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| Posted by fantase on 14-Aug-2005 | Beer TroubleshootingSYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was
them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're
in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
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| Posted by Anna Flack on 14-Aug-2005 | Deep ThoughtsSome DEEP THOUGHTS to start off your week with:
. How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the
OTHERS here for?
. STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
. Clones are people two.
. If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he
still wrong?
. No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
. Think "honk" if you're telepathic.
. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went
nuts.
. I went to a store which said open 24 hours and he was closing. When I
asked why he said, "We're open 24 hours, but not in a row."
. Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
. I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are
furious.
. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
. Disney World is a people trap operated by a mouse?
. Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak?
. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold
tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
. Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is
dead?
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| Posted by Dragon Bird on 14-Aug-2005 | Funny SignsPlumber: "We repair what your husband fixed." -Mo4al ************
On the trucks of a local plumbing company here in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't
sleep with a drip, call your plumber!!" -Rickley L. Buck ************
Pizza shop slogan: 7 days without pizza makes one Weak!! ************
At a Tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout." - Adolph
Herbstrei ************
Door of a plastic surgeon's office: Hello, can we pick your nose? -Chanel
Rose ************
Sign at the psychic's hotline: Don't call us, We'll call you. -IBDOUGELL
************
At A Laundry shop: How about we refund your money Send you a new one at no
charge Close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be
satisfactory? 'Signed Customer Service' -Janet36603 ************
At a towing company: "We won't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
-Phred ************
Billboard on the side of the road: "Keep your eyes on the road and stop
reading these signs" -Joe E Bowers, Jr.
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| Posted by David McMorris on 14-Aug-2005 | The Oreo Personality TestPsychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo
cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which
method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreos:
1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time
3. Slow and methodical nibbles, examining the results of each bite
afterwards.
4. In little feverish nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...).
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10. I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreos.
Your Personality:
1. The whole thing. This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun
to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are
totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children.
2. One bite at a time. You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other
people who eat their Oreo's this very same way. Just like them, you lack
imagination, but that's ok, not to worry, you're "normal".
3. Slow and methodical. You follow the rules. You're very tidy and
orderly. You're very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to
the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of
the fast lane if you're only going to go the speed limit.
4. Feverish nibbles. Your boss likes you because you get your work done
quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to
do them. Mental break downs and suicides run in your family. Valium and
Ritalin would do you good.
5. Dunked. Every one likes you because you are always upbeat. You like to
sugar-coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good
ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have
a propensity towards narcotic addiction.
6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie. You have a highly
curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how
they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you
destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement
when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if
not criminal, behavior.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie. You are good at
business and take risk that pay off. You take what you want and throw the
rest away. You are greedy,selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You
should be ashamed of yourself. But that's ok, you don't care, you got
yours.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside. You enjoy pain.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them. Stay away from small furry
animals and seek professional medical help immediately.
10. I don't have a favorite way, I don't like Oreo cookies. You probably
come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to upscale
restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own,
and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a
prima donna. There's just no pleasing you. Kill yourself now.
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| Posted by ~Stephy~ on 14-Aug-2005 | Keeping the Organ SafeA priest went into the country to pay a visit to a 92 year old church
member he hadn't seen in years. She welcomed him into the parlor. While
she made tea, he looked around and saw a beautiful oak pipe organ with a
cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was half filled with water
and a condom was floating on top. Astonished and shocked, he quickly
turned away. But after tea, his curiosity got the best of him and he asked
her about it. "Oh, yes," she said enthusiastically. "While in town last
year, I found a package on the sidewalk. The directions on the back said
to keep wet and put on your organ to prevent disease. And you know, I
think it works. I haven't had a cold all winter."
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| Posted by Yanie on 14-Aug-2005 | Random Funny Facts* Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name that was only
used once, on the never-aired pilot show. His first name was
Willy.
* Dr. Seuss and Kurt Vonnegut went to college together. They
were even in the same fraternity, where Seuss decorated the
fraternity house walls with drawings of his strange characters.
* The Les Nessman character on the TV series WKRP in Cincinnati
wore a band-aid in every episode. Either on himself, his
glasses, or his clothing.
* John Larroquette of "Night Court" and "The John Larroquette
Show" was the narrator of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre."
* Beelzebub, another name for the devil, is Hebrew for "Lord of
the Flies", and this is where the book's title comes from.
* The term "devil's advocate" comes from the Roman Catholic
church. When deciding if someone should be sainted, a devil's
advocate is always appointed to give an alternative view.
* Before Prohibition, Shlitz Brewery owned more property in
Chicago than anyone else, except The Catholic Church.
* It is believed that Shakespeare was 46 around the time that
the King James Version of the Bible was written. In Psalms 46,
the 46th word from the first word is 'shake' and the 46th word
from the last word is 'spear'.
* In 1986 Danny Heep became the first player in a World Series
to be a designated hitter (DH) with the initials "D.H."
* In the four major US professional sports, (Baseball,
Basketball, Football, and Hockey), there are only seven teams
whose nicknames do not end with an "s" Basketball: The Miami
Heat, The Utah Jazz, The Orlando Magic. Baseball: The Boston Red
Sox, The Chicago White Sox. Hockey: The Colorado Avalanche, The
Tampa Bay Lightning. Football: None.
* In 1963, baseball pitcher Gaylord Perry remarked, "They'll put
a man on the moon before I hit a home run." On July 20, 1969, a
few hours after Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon, Gaylord
Perry hit his first, and only, home run.
* When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at
home to a sellout crowd, the full stadium becomes the state's
third largest city.
* Kermit the Frog is left-handed.
* The lifespan of a tastebud is ten days.
* Non-dairy creamer is flammable.
* The dial tone of a normal telephone is in the key of "F".
* If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep
floating to the top and sinking to the bottom.
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