Better Luck Next Tim

You just can't get that screwed up in one lifetime.

How to Mess With the

(Internal Revenue Service, an agency of thegovernment to whom Americans pay taxes on their salary.)

Texas Talkin'

• The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving = Not too smart
• As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party = An unwelcome person
• Tighter than bark on a tree = Stingy
• Big hat, no cattle = All talk, no action
• We've howdied but we ain't shook yet = We've met, but haven't been formally introduced
• He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow = He thinks his s#%! doesn't stink
• She's got tongue enough for ten rows of teeth = She's a talker
• It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs = Rain would be nice
• Just because a chicken has wings doesn't mean it can fly = Appearances can be deceiving
• This ain't my first rodeo = I've been around the block
• He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch = U-G-L-Y
• They ate supper before they said grace = They're living in sin
• Time to paint your butt white and run with the antelope = Stop arguing and do as you're told
• As full of wind as a corn-eating horse = A braggart
• You can put your boots in the oven, but that doesn't make them biscuits = You can say whatever you want, but that doesn't change a thing

Gary Condit's Co

"Why's he smiling?"

one officer asks.

The other replies, "He thought he was having his picture taken."

Bush, Cheney, and th

"Hello, Mr. President, and Vice President. If I may please make a suggestion... it would be much easier for you to drag your deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."

The leaders of the free world thanked the man and tried his suggesion. A while later Cheney said, "You know, that was good thinking. This is a lot easier!"

"Yessir," agreed Bush.

"But durn it! We're gettin' farther away from our truck!"

Saddam Hussein in a

Shoot the lawyer twice.