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| Posted by Adam on 14-Aug-2005 | Beware of Dog!As a man walks into store, he noticed a sign on the door,
"BEWARE OF DOG". He cautiously walks into the store. Lying in
the middle of the floor was an old German Shepard. He asks the
clerk behind the register, "Is THAT the dog the sign is talking
about?!" The clerk replies, "Yes, before we put up the sign
people kept tripping over him!"
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| Posted by Megan S. Renner on 14-Aug-2005 | The BetThis guy walked into a bar. After sitting at the bar he saw a
$1,000 dollar bill in a frame above the bar. He asked the
bartender "What is the $1,000 dollar bill for?" The bartender
said "It's for a bet. Do you see that 300 pound man over there?"
"Yes" said the man. "You have to go over to the man and beat the
crap out of him. Then you have to go through that door, down the
stairs and there's a pitbull down there with a bad tooth. You
have to pull the tooth. Then when you are done you have to go up
them stairs over in the corner and theres a fat lady up there.
You have to have sex with her until she's satisfied. The guy
says, "That's ok, I'm going to go sit down. Just keep bringing
the beer." After a while of drinking beer and getting
intoxicated the guy came back to the bartender, "I'll take that
bet. What do I do first?"
"Remember the guy......"
"Yes I remember." So he walked over to the guy and beat the crap
out of him. He walked back to the bartender and said give me a
beer.
After drinking the beer he looked at the bartender and the
bartender pointed towards the door. He stumbled over to the door
and opened it. He tried walking down the stairs and fell to the
bottom. A lot of growling was heard then you heard YIPE YIPE
YIPE YIPE.... The guy came back to the top of the stairs and
yelled to the bartender, "Where's that fat bitch with the bad
tooth?!"
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| Posted by Jessie A. Mcadams on 14-Aug-2005 | Boy and FrogOne day during school a little boy went up to his teacher and
said that he had found a frog.
"Was the frog dead or alive?" the teacher asked.
"It was dead," said the boy.
"How do you know it was dead?" questioned the teacher.
"Cause I pissed in its ear," the boy replied.
"You WHAT?!?!" exclaimed the teacher.
"You know, I leaned over and went 'Pssst....'"
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| Posted by *rach* on 14-Aug-2005 | little timLittle Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his
neighbour peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he
politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up,
"and I've just buried him."
The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a
goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's
because he's inside your fucking cat."
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| Posted by Fantastique Lindsay on 14-Aug-2005 | Why did The Chicken Cross the Road?Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment
would let it take.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we
were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone
before.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the
road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken
was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the
competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen
Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped
the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and
implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model
(PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills,
methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the
chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its
overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen
Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts
and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep
skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day
itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal
knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them
to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit
goals of delivering and successfully architecting and
implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the
continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was
held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful
environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and
built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and
aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values.
This was conducive towards the creation of a total business
integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken
change to become more successful.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man.
The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and
keep him down.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens
will be free to cross roads without having their motives called
into question.
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the
chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed
the road, and there was much rejoicing.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How
many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat,
the chicken did NOT cross the road.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who
cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever
motive there was.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why
doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken
doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken
crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000,
which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your
important documents, and balance your checkbook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross
the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same
time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken
crossing?"
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been
naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically
disposed to cross roads.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved
beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road .. it
transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
DILBERT: I hate when the title gives away the plot!
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| Posted by Dastir on 14-Aug-2005 | Guard DogIn the small town of Whatsville, there were a lot of crimes going on, and
Dave wanted to get a guard dog. So one day Dave goes into the pet store
and says, "I need the best guard dog I can buy." The petstore owner goes
to the back. He returns with a tiny dog. Dave laughed and said, "That's no
guard dog!" The owner said, "Not only a guard dog, but this dog knows
karate," The owner said, "Dog, karate that chair." and the chair turned
into a pile of splinters. Dave said, "I'll take it!!" When he got home, he
told his wife about this dog and said, "Watch this, my dog knows karate."
The wife looked over and said, "Karate my ass!"
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