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| Posted by Adam on 14-Aug-2005 | Beware of Dog!As a man walks into store, he noticed a sign on the door,
"BEWARE OF DOG". He cautiously walks into the store. Lying in
the middle of the floor was an old German Shepard. He asks the
clerk behind the register, "Is THAT the dog the sign is talking
about?!" The clerk replies, "Yes, before we put up the sign
people kept tripping over him!"
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| Posted by Megan S. Renner on 14-Aug-2005 | The BetThis guy walked into a bar. After sitting at the bar he saw a
$1,000 dollar bill in a frame above the bar. He asked the
bartender "What is the $1,000 dollar bill for?" The bartender
said "It's for a bet. Do you see that 300 pound man over there?"
"Yes" said the man. "You have to go over to the man and beat the
crap out of him. Then you have to go through that door, down the
stairs and there's a pitbull down there with a bad tooth. You
have to pull the tooth. Then when you are done you have to go up
them stairs over in the corner and theres a fat lady up there.
You have to have sex with her until she's satisfied. The guy
says, "That's ok, I'm going to go sit down. Just keep bringing
the beer." After a while of drinking beer and getting
intoxicated the guy came back to the bartender, "I'll take that
bet. What do I do first?"
"Remember the guy......"
"Yes I remember." So he walked over to the guy and beat the crap
out of him. He walked back to the bartender and said give me a
beer.
After drinking the beer he looked at the bartender and the
bartender pointed towards the door. He stumbled over to the door
and opened it. He tried walking down the stairs and fell to the
bottom. A lot of growling was heard then you heard YIPE YIPE
YIPE YIPE.... The guy came back to the top of the stairs and
yelled to the bartender, "Where's that fat bitch with the bad
tooth?!"
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| Posted by Jessie A. Mcadams on 14-Aug-2005 | Boy and FrogOne day during school a little boy went up to his teacher and
said that he had found a frog.
"Was the frog dead or alive?" the teacher asked.
"It was dead," said the boy.
"How do you know it was dead?" questioned the teacher.
"Cause I pissed in its ear," the boy replied.
"You WHAT?!?!" exclaimed the teacher.
"You know, I leaned over and went 'Pssst....'"
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| Posted by *rach* on 14-Aug-2005 | little timLittle Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his
neighbour peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he
politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up,
"and I've just buried him."
The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a
goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's
because he's inside your fucking cat."
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| Posted by Fantastique Lindsay on 14-Aug-2005 | Why did The Chicken Cross the Road?Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment
would let it take.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we
were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone
before.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the
road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken
was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the
competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen
Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped
the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and
implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model
(PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills,
methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the
chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its
overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen
Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts
and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep
skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day
itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal
knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them
to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit
goals of delivering and successfully architecting and
implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the
continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was
held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful
environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and
built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and
aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values.
This was conducive towards the creation of a total business
integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken
change to become more successful.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man.
The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and
keep him down.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens
will be free to cross roads without having their motives called
into question.
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the
chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed
the road, and there was much rejoicing.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How
many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat,
the chicken did NOT cross the road.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who
cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever
motive there was.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why
doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken
doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken
crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000,
which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your
important documents, and balance your checkbook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross
the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same
time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken
crossing?"
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been
naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically
disposed to cross roads.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved
beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road .. it
transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
DILBERT: I hate when the title gives away the plot!
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| Posted by Dastir on 14-Aug-2005 | Guard DogIn the small town of Whatsville, there were a lot of crimes going on, and
Dave wanted to get a guard dog. So one day Dave goes into the pet store
and says, "I need the best guard dog I can buy." The petstore owner goes
to the back. He returns with a tiny dog. Dave laughed and said, "That's no
guard dog!" The owner said, "Not only a guard dog, but this dog knows
karate," The owner said, "Dog, karate that chair." and the chair turned
into a pile of splinters. Dave said, "I'll take it!!" When he got home, he
told his wife about this dog and said, "Watch this, my dog knows karate."
The wife looked over and said, "Karate my ass!"
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| Posted by Tina B on 14-Aug-2005 | The Flying TurtleDeep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree.
After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air
waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.
After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and
fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a
couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she
chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
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| Posted by ASS HOLE on 14-Aug-2005 | The Amazing Talking DogA man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet
you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."
Bartender: "Yeah! Sure...go ahead."
Man: "What covers a house?"
Dog: "Roof!"
Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"
Dog: "Rough!"
Man: "Who was the greatest ball player of all time?"
Dog: "Ruth!"
Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."
The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out
the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and
says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"
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| Posted by Nat Hartten on 14-Aug-2005 | Guide Dog Almost Killed Blind ManA blind man is walking down the street with his guide dog one
day. They come to a busy intersection and the dog, ignoring the
high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind
man right out into the thick of the traffic. This is followed by
the screech of tires as panicked drivers try desperately not to
run the pair down. Horns blaring, the blind man and the dog
finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of
the street and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat
pocket which he offers to the dog.
A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't
control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth
are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you
killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To
find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass!"
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| Posted by I Luv Jason Williams on 14-Aug-2005 | Stuttering CatLittle Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher
says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only
human stutter, no other animal in the world does this.
Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.
"Please explain, Johnny!", replies the teacher. "Well, Miss,
the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The
neighbors' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat
went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he
could said, "Fuck off!", the dog ate him!"
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| Posted by Dete on 14-Aug-2005 | Pussy CatOne day a fly was flying over a lake. In the lake a trout said
to himself, "If that fly will drop four inches, I can jump out
and catch it." Behind a shrub a bear said to himself, "If that
fly will drop four inches, the trout will jump out of the water
and catch it, so I can reach out and grab the trout." On a hill
sat a hunter who said, "If that fly will drop four inches, the
trout will jump out of the water and catch it, the bear will
reach out and grab the trout, and it will expose him for a clear
shot." Behind A bush there was a rat who said, "If that fly will
drop four inches, the trout will jump out of the water and catch
it, the bear will reach out and grab the trout, the hunter will
have a clear shot at the bear and run down to get his kill, and
I can steal his food." Behind a tree was a cat who said, "If
that fly will drop four inches, the trout will jump out of the
water and catch it, the bear will reach out and grab the trout,
the hunter will have a clear shot at the bear and run down to
get his kill, the rat will steal the hunter's food, and I can
pounce on the rat." Well, everything began: the fly dropped four
inches, the trout caught the fly, the bear reached out and
grabbed the trout exposing himself, the hunter shot the bear and
ran down for his kill, the rat stole the hunter's food, and the
cat tripped and rolled all the way down the hill into the lake.
Moral: When the fly drops, the pussy gets wet.
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| Posted by Chandler on 14-Aug-2005 | The 2 IrishmenPaddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig.
When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said "Paddy, me ol' mate,
how we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"
Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one a ta' ears off my fookin pig, and
ten we can tell 'em apart." "Ah tat'd be grand." Says Paddy.
This worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Paddy stormed into the
house.
"Paddy" he said "Your fookin pig has chewed the ear offa my fookin pig.
Now we got two fookin pigs with on one ear each. How we gonna tell who
owns which fookin pig?"
"Well Paddy" said Paddy "I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten
we'll av two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear"
"Ah tat'd be grand." says Paddy.
Again this worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Paddy again
stormed into the house.
"Paddy" he said "Your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin
pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears. How we gonna tell who
owns which fookin pig?"
"Ah tis is serious, Paddy." Said Paddy "I'll tell ya what I'll do I'll cut
ta tail offa my fookin pig. Ten we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin
ears and only one fookin tail."
"Ah tat'd be grand." Says Paddy.
Another couple of weeks went by, and you guessed it, Paddy stormed into
the house once more.
"PADDY" shouted Paddy "YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFFA MY
FOOKIN PIG AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO
FOOKIN TAILS!!!!!!!!!!! HOW THE FOOK ARE WE GONNA FOOKIN TELL 'EM
APART!!!!!!!!!!"
"Ah fook it." Says Paddy "How's about you have the black one, and I'll
have the white one?"
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| Posted by Rebecca j. Mallett on 14-Aug-2005 | Little Princess meets a talking frog...Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured
princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the
princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put
a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a
prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom,
and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children
and forever feel happy doing so."
That night, while the princess dined on frogs legs, she laughed
to herself and thought "I don't fucking think so."
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| Posted by jake hatesworth on 14-Aug-2005 | RoarOne night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being
introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around
said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our
oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."
They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting story.
"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting expedition in
Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing.
On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen
tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep.
I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the
bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest lion I ever saw jumped
out of the bushes at me like this, ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!! I
tell you, I just shit in my pants." The young men looked astonished and
one of them said, "I don't blame you, I would have shit my pants too if a
lion jumped out at me." The old man shook his head and said, "No, no, not
then, just now when I said ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!
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| Posted by helen w on 14-Aug-2005 | Do you have a problemA bear decides to go take a shit in the woods. Upon entering the
woods, he sees a rabbit doing the same as he is about to do. So
he takes his shit and notices that he got shit on his hair
again. He asked the rabbit, "Hey rabbit, do you have a problem
with shit sticking to your hair?" The rabbit replied, "No." So
the bear picked up the rabbit and wiped his ass with him.
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| Posted by stephanie l. gregory on 14-Aug-2005 | Firetruck SirenOne day a man is walking down the street, when he notices a
young boy in a wagon fixed up to look like a firetruck. The man
also notices that the wagon is being pulled by a dog with a rope
attached to his nards! The dog is, of course, howling like a
banshee, and inching along ever so slowly. The man thinks for a
moment, then approaches the boy and says: "You know, son, the
dog would probably pull you faster if you had the rope attached
to his leash." The boy looks up at the man and says: "Well,
yeah, maybe, but then I wouldn't have this really cool siren!"
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| Posted by Orphan Annie on 14-Aug-2005 | Animal TriviaLittle Johny asks the teacher, "How many feathers are there on a bird's
wing?"
The teacher answered, "I don't know."
Little Johny then asked, "How many stripes are there on a bee's body?"
The teacher answered, "I don't know"
Then Little Johny asked, "How many lives does a cat have?"
Happily the teacher answered, "Nine lives."
Little Johny followed up, "How come you know so much about pussy and
nothing about the birds and the bees?"
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| Posted by Charlie Rich on 14-Aug-2005 | Snake TalkTwo snakes were crawling along when one snake asked the
other, "Are we poisonous snakes?"
The other replied, "You're darn right we're poisonous!
We're rattlesnakes. Why do you ask?"
To which the first replied, "Because I just bit my tongue."
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| Posted by KaBoOm on 14-Aug-2005 | The Sniffer Dog!A man is sitting in a plane which is about to take off, when
another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The
dog is sat in the middle, and the first man is looking
quizzically at the dog, when the second man explains that they
work for the airline. The dog handler says to the first man,
"Don't mind Rover, he is a 'sniffer dog,' the best there is.
I'll show you when we get airborne and I set him to work."
The plane takes off and levels out, when the handler says to the
first man, "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Rover, search."
The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a
woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts
one paw on the handler's arm. He says, "Good boy," and turns to
the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of
marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and the seat number for
the police who will apprehend her on arrival." "Fantastic!"
replies the first man.
Once again, he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog
sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns
to its seat and places both paws on the handler's arm. He says,
"Good boy," and he turns to the first man and says, "That man is
carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this and the
seat number." "That's marvellous, I've never seen anything like
it!" says the first man.
Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. He goes up and
down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone, and
then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and shits all
over the place. The first man is surprised and disgusted by
this, and asks, "What the hell is going on?"
The handler replies. "He's just found a bomb!"
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| Posted by Pyrochic on 14-Aug-2005 | No Fishing BaitHaving arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon
realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he
happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm.
The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm.
Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched
him up again and poured a little beer down his throat and went
about his fishing. An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug
at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three
more worms.
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| Posted by Shen Singh on 14-Aug-2005 | Talking ParrotA guy goes and buys a parrot. The parrot can speak really well.
The guy takes the parrot into a pub and bets everyone that the
parrot can talk well. He gets the odds of 30 to 1. He is just
about to boast about the parrot but the parrot won't talk. He is
furious and goes home and yells at the parrot. He raps his hands
around the parrots neck when the parrot says, "STOP! Just think
of the odds you'll get tomorrow night."
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| Posted by Lindsey L. D on 14-Aug-2005 | Any Gators?While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized
his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him
clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber
standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any
gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the
shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the
gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"The sharks got 'em."
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| Posted by Scott Mcrae on 14-Aug-2005 | Dog PoundThere were 3 dogs in a cage at a dog pound and they were discussing why
they were in there. One dog said that he was being put to sleep beacause
he drank out of the toilet. Another dog was being put to sleep beacause he
tore up the newspaper. The third dog said he was in there because his
owner dropped her towel and went to pick it up and he couldn't resist and
started humping her. The other dogs said that they understood why he was
being put to sleep. But the dog said, "I'm not being put to sleep, I'm
getting my nails trimmed!"
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| Posted by Carly A. Jordan on 14-Aug-2005 | Little Johnny and His Gold FishOne day Little Johnny is in his back yard digging a hole. His
neighbor, seeing him there, decides to investigate. "What are
you doing?" he asks. Little Johnny replies, "My goldfish died
and I'm burying him." "That's an awful big hole for a goldfish,
ain't it?" asked the neighbor. Little Johnny shouts back,
"That's because he's inside your fucking cat!"
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| Posted by Kelli on 14-Aug-2005 | Put that worm back in that holeA little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little
boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.
He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."
The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too
wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of
hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.
Then he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray,
and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back
out and hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."
The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."
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| Posted by Anu Patel on 14-Aug-2005 | The Snail ReturnsOne day a guy heard a knock on his door, so he answered it and
no one was there. But he looked down and saw a snail. So he
picked up the snail and threw it as far as he could.
3 years later, the guy hears a knock on his door, so he answered
it and no one was there. He looked down and there was that same
snail. The snail said, "What the fuck was that all about?!?!"
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| Posted by snickers13107 on 14-Aug-2005 | I Like MonkeysThe pet store was selling them for five cents a pieace. I thought this was
odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a
gift horse in the mouth so I bought 200 of them.
I like monkeys.
I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of drive. His name
was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright.
They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed. They punched me
in the genitals. I stopped laughing.
I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new
environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high
speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle
lost its novelty halfway into it's third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive; they
all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda
like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Cheap monkeys.
I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my
room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like
I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't
work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred
ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.
I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for
awhile, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real
bad.
I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn't want to
call a plumber. I was embarrassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately
there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them
every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it
didn't go bad.
I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable. I
had to extinguish the fire.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in
my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile
on my bed. The odor wasn't improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I
really had to use the bathroom. So I went and severely beat one of the
monkeys. I felt better.
I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said the city was not
allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one. He
couldn't take it either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My
friends didn't quite know what to say. They pretended to like them, but I
could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.
I like monkeys.
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| Posted by I Like Cheese You Like Cheese on 14-Aug-2005 | The Perfect PetA man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to
buy a pet that can do everything.
The owner says, "How about a dog?"
The man replies, "A dog? That's so ordinary! And a dog can't
doeverything!"
The owner says, "How about a cat?"
The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I
want a pet that can do everything!"
The owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it -- a
centipede!"
The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing
everything. But, okay ... I'll try a centipede."
He gets the centipede home and says to it, "Clean the kitchen."
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and it's
immaculate. All the dishes and silverware have been washed,
polished, dried and put away. The countertops have been cleaned.
The appliances are sparkling. The floor has been waxed.
He's absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, "Go clean the
living room." Twenty minutes later he walks into the living
room. The carpet has been vacuumed, the furniture clean and
dusted, the pillows on the sofa plumped and the plants watered.
The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've
ever seen. This is truly a pet that can do everything."
He says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a
newspaper." The centipede walks out the door. Ten minutes later,
no centipede. Twenty minutes later, no centipede. Thirty minutes
later, no centipede. The man is wondering what's going on. The
centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes.
Forty-five minutes later, still no centipede! The man can't
imagine what happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get
run over by a car? Finally, he goes to the front door and opens
it ... and there's the centipede sitting right outside the door.
The man says, "Hey! I sent you 45 minutes ago to run down to the
corner and get me a newspaper. What's the story?" The centipede
says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm puttin' on my shoes!"
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| Posted by Joe F. Cool on 14-Aug-2005 | The Slow SpeakerJohn and Steve were high school buddies. They have not seen each
other since they both went to college. Five years went by and
they ran into each other at a bar.
John spotted Steve first, "Hey Steve!" "Hey John! Long time no
see!" John was surprised that Steve spoke smoothly without
stutters--Steve has been stuttering since he was a child. "How
did you fix your speaking?" "I went to the doctor and he said
that if I speak really slow, I won't stutter! Did you hear? I
almost got married!" "How did you ALMOST get married?"
"Well, I was sitting on the front porch with my fiance and the
dog was sitting there too and he was scratching his back!
Although I have to speak slow, I said to my wife: When we're
married YOU can do that for me and then I pointed to the dog.
But, because I talk so slow, by then he was licking his balls!"
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| Posted by Lisa R. Schwarz on 14-Aug-2005 | Dogs vs. CatsA dog thinks, "Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me,
provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me.
They must be Gods!"
A cat thinks, "Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me
with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me. I must be a
God!"
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