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| Posted by Kristof P. Grina on 14-Aug-2005 | Bicycle Safety Violation TicketOn Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic
light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop
says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that
to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year
tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety
violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before he rides
off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did
Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah,
he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put
the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
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| Posted by sarah l. mellor on 14-Aug-2005 | Twelve Days Of ChristmasRead this in the songs toon from the last one (12) to the first
one (1). I know you know the song.
1. One homosexual cow
2. Two fake nipples
3. Three genital warts
4. Four ballhairs
5. FIVE ORGASMS
6. Six candied dildos
7. Seven flavored condoms
8. Eight pimps-a-playing
9. Nine prison bitches
10. Ten dogs-a-humping
11. Eleven hookers hooking
12. Twelve crackheads tweaking
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| Posted by Pablo The Spicy Latin on 09-Aug-2005 | Question and answer Christmas jokeQ: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
A: Ribbon hood.
Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com
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| Posted by mitchell s. listol on 09-Aug-2005 | Question and answer Christmas jokeQ: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
A: Missletoe!
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| Posted by funny he bitch on 09-Aug-2005 | 'Twas the Night before FinalsT'was the night before finals,
And all through the college,
The students were praying
For last minute knowledge.
Most were quite sleepy,
But none touched their beds,
While visions of essays
Danced in their heads.
Out in the taverns,
A few were still drinking,
And hoping that liquor
Would get their brains thinking.
In my own apartment,
I had been pacing,
Dreading all those exams
I soon would be facing.
My roommate was speechless,
His nose in his books,
And my comments to him
Drew unfriendly looks.
I drained all the coffee,
And brewed a new pot,
No longer caring
That my nerves were shot.
I stared at my notes,
But my thoughts were all muddy,
My eyes went a'blur,
I just couldn't study.
"Some pizza might help,"
I said with a shiver,
But each place I called
Refused to deliver.
I'd pretty much concluded
Life is unfair and cruel,
Since our futures all depend
On grades made in school.
When all of a sudden,
Our door opened wide,
And Patron Saint Put-It-Off
Ambled inside.
Her spirit was careless,
Her manner was mellow,
She looked at the mess
And started to bellow:
"Why should us students
Make such a fuss,
About what those teachers
Toss out to us?"
"On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes!
On Last Year's Exams!
On Wingit and Slingit,
And Last Minute Crams!"
Her message delivered,
She vanished from sight,
But we heard her laughing
Outside in the night.
"Your teachers won't flunk you,
So just do your best.
Happy Finals to All,
And to All, a good test."
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| Posted by IOVANA BRITO on 09-Aug-2005 | Signs you've had too much holiday cheer1. You strike a match and light your nose.
2. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
3. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.
4. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
5. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
6. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"
7. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
8. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
9. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
10. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.
11. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
12. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
13. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.
14. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
15. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.
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| Posted by april pe on 09-Aug-2005 | Question and answer Christmas jokeQ: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
A: Crisp Cringle.
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| Posted by wayne watson on 09-Aug-2005 | Question and answer Christmas jokeQ: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: Because it " soots " him!
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| Posted by Iceman B. Kool on 09-Aug-2005 | Ten things to say about gifts you don't like10. Boy, if I had not recently shot up four sizes, that would've fit.
9. It would be ashame if the garbage man ever accidentally took this from me.
8. Perfect for wearing in the basement.
7. Well, well, well...
6. I really don't deserve this.
5. Gosh, I hope this never catches fire!
4. I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
2. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.
1. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
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| Posted by Shawn Nocilla on 09-Aug-2005 | Question and answer Christmas jokeQ: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
A: Ribbon hood.
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| Posted by Cameron d. Peckham on 09-Aug-2005 | Question and answer Christmas jokeQ: How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ?
A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"
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| Posted by lil dude on 09-Aug-2005 | Question and answer Christmas jokeQ: What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?
A: Forty feet of track - all straight!
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| Posted by Jeremy W. Thompson on 09-Aug-2005 | Question and answer Christmas jokeQ: How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
A: Fleece Navidad!
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| Posted by Dakota K. Johnson on 09-Aug-2005 | Question and answer Christmas jokeQ: Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gambel?
A: Its true . . . Comet cleans sinks!
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| Posted by Kyle W. Battalia on 09-Aug-2005 | Question and answer Christmas jokeQ: What's a good holiday tip?
A: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.
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| Posted by Dopie on 09-Aug-2005 | The Chinese pay off all of their debtsJones: "The chinese make it an invariable rule to settle all their debts on New Years Day."
Smith: "So I understand, but, then again, the Chinese don't have a Christmas the week before."
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| Posted by Someone Funny on 09-Aug-2005 | Question and answer Christmas jokeQ: If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?
A: A subordinate claus.
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| Posted by Blazin Shorty on 09-Aug-2005 | Question and answer Christmas jokeQ: Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E?
A: Because the angel had said, "No L!"
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| Posted by chips on 09-Aug-2005 | Question and answer Christmas jokeQ: Where do polar bears vote?
A: The North Poll.
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| Posted by Allison L. Aaserude on 09-Aug-2005 | Question and answer Christmas jokeQ: Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?
A: Because it has long-distance runners on each side.
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| Posted by Warlock Z on 09-Aug-2005 | The very different childrenTwo ten-year-old children were exactly opposites: Bill was a die-hard optimist, and Bob a hopeless pessimist.
The mom asked the psychiatrist what to do about Christmas. The doctor told her to buy all the toys she could for Bob and get Bill nothing. In fact, he said just to wrap up some manure for Bill to break down his hopes even more.
Christmas morning, Mom came downstairs and found the twins by the tree. She asked Bob what Santa had brought him.
"A B.B. gun, but I'll probably hit someone in the eye and blind him. And a bicycle, but I'll probably get run over and killed while riding it. And an electric train, but I'll probably electrocute myself," said Bob.
Realizing it wasn't going very well, the mom turned to Bill and asked what he got. "I'm not sure!!" he replied, "I think I got a pony, but I haven't been able to find him yet!!"
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| Posted by Salma DeLuna on 09-Aug-2005 | Question and answer Christmas jokeQ: Why do birds fly south for the winter ?
A: Because it's to far to walk.
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| Posted by Gledson Bernardelli Pereira on 09-Aug-2005 | Question and answer Christmas jokeQ: What kind of bird can write?
A: A PENguin.
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| Posted by missbehavin on 14-Aug-2005 | How to Cook a TurkeyStep 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) OR JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Hope you'all have a Tappy Thansgibing
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| Posted by immoonglorious on 14-Aug-2005 | HALLMARK CARDS THINGS YOU WON'T SEE ON HALLMARK CARDS
OUTSIDE: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am
INSIDE: that you're not here to ruin it for me.
OUTSIDE: If I get only one thing for Christmas,
INSIDE: I hope it's your sister.
OUTSIDE: I've always wanted to have someone to hold,someone
to love.
INSIDE: After having met you, I've changed my mind.
OUTSIDE: I must admit, you brought Religion in my life.
INSIDE: I never believed in Hell 'till I met you.
OUTSIDE: Looking back over the years that we've been
together, I can't help but wonder:
INSIDE: What the f___k was I thinking?
OUTSIDE: I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well
respected.
INSIDE: And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly.
OUTSIDE: Sex with you is like using drugs:
INSIDE: Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to
admit it.
OUTSIDE: When we were together, you always said you'd die for
me.
INSIDE: Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept
your promise.
OUTSIDE: The holidays are a great time to be with family.
INSIDE: Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm
taking the
kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating
bastard!
OUTSIDE: I'm so miserable without you,
INSIDE: it's almost like you're here.
OUTSIDE: If you ever need a friend...
INSIDE: buy a dog.
OUTSIDE: Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
INSIDE: Did you ever find out who the father was?
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| Posted by robyn on 14-Aug-2005 | ChristmasIt's the day after Christmas and two kids are comparing notes about what
they'd gotten. The first kid says "What'd you get?" The second kid
replies, "Man, I made out! I got Power Rangers stuff, Nintendo, a new
bike, a Walkie-Talkie set, a stereo, and a whole lot more! What'd you
get?" "Ah, I just got a baseball glove and bat," says the first kid. "Wow,
that's pretty rough," says the second kid. The first kid says, "Yeah, well
I'm not dying of cancer."
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| Posted by slimchance on 14-Aug-2005 | Ghosts Favorite ClothesWhat's a ghosts favorite clothes?
Boo-jeans.
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| Posted by Brent A. Lund on 14-Aug-2005 | Santa's Worst ConfessionWhat is Santa's worst confession?
He admits that only naughty girls get presents for Christmas!
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| Posted by Tsalbeci on 14-Aug-2005 | embarising moment... ok, well this aint a joke,
this is a true embarrising moment which happened to me last
summer on my holiday to paris for 3 weeks.
the day was very hot. we were bored we needed something to do,
so me and my sister, karren went out shopping. we went to loads
of clothes shops trying on lots of clothes and stuff. We
decieded to try on swimming costumes. i tryed on really ace
ones, adidas, nike, speedo and other makes. karren dared me to
try on this horridable costume, even my granny probobly wouldnt
wear it, i tryed it on and when i saw my reflection in the
mirror i burst out in fits of laughter, i was laughing so much i
wet myself not only that one of the staff made me buy it.
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| Posted by Anna Flack on 14-Aug-2005 | Christmas Trees vs. PriestWhat do Christmas trees and priests have in common?
Their balls are for decoration.
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