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| Posted by Evangeline Serrano on 14-Aug-2005 | Big FartsOne day, Bob asked a beautiful girl out. Her name was Tammy. He
asked her if she wanted to go to the drive-in movie. She said
"sure". Bob was really excited, so when he got home he told his
Mom and asked her if she could make him a can of beans. Bob was
in so much of a rush that he gulped down the beans, got changed,
had a shower, an hour before he had to go pick her up.
Anyway, he finally left to go pick her up. She got in the car
and away they went. They started watching the movie and Bob all
of a sudden had a terrible cramp and he needed to fart. "Shit!"
he said to himself. "I need to fart but I can't because I'm with
a beautiful girl and, and, oh shit!"
He thought that he could just wait until the intermission to go
to the washroom. Finally it was intermission and he asked Tammy
if she would like some pop and popcorn. She said sure.
He got to the washroom, opened the door and saw a big line up.
"Fuck!" he said. I guess I'll wait until the end of the movie.
He went back to the car and covered his stomach.
Finally, it was the end of the movie. He said to Tammy that
he'll be right back, he has just got to go to the washroom. He
got there, opened the door and there was still a big line up.
"Damn! I guess I'll wait until after I drop her off."
So they're driving home and Bob's intestines are about to
explode. They pulled up in Tammy's driveway and Tammy said, "Oh!
My Grandparents are here, come in and say hello."
Bob thinks to himself, "Damn! I need to fart but I have to go
in." So he said "Okay". They are all sitting down at the dinner
table and Bob is about to explode. He says to himself, "I've
really got to fart so I'll just let a little bit go at a time."
Meanwhile the dog, Duke, is sitting right beside him. "Bllllght!"
Tammy's father said "Duke!" and sat back down.
"Oh my God! They think it's the dog!"
"Bllllght!"
Again Tammy's father stands up and says "Duke!"
Finally, Bob lets it go really big, it's the biggest fart you've
ever heard. "Blllhhhttgggghtttttttbang!"
Tammy's father stands up and shouts "Duke! Get the hell out of
there before he shits on ya!"
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| Posted by Sumeet Patel on 14-Aug-2005 | Salesman & ChildA salesman is trying to call a client.
The phone rings and their little boy, in a whisper, says, "Hello."
SALESMAN: "Is your mommy there?
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) "Yes."
SALESMAN: "Can I speak with her?"
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) "She's busy."
SALESMAN: "Is your daddy there?"
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) "Yes."
SALESMAN: "Can I speak with him?"
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) "He's busy."
SALESMAN: "Is there anyone else there?"
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) "The fire department."
SALESMAN: "Can I talk to one of them?"
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) "They're busy."
SALESMAN: "Is there anybody else there?"
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) "The police department."
SALESMAN: "Well, can I talk to one of them?"
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) "They're busy."
SALESMAN: "Let me get this straight, your mother, father, the
fire department and the police department are all in your
house, and they're all busy. What are they doing?"
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) "They're looking for me."
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| Posted by tweets on 14-Aug-2005 | A Psychology ExperimentA very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the
bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her
and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a
while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with
you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks
back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She
smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a
graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to
embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
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| Posted by Kaylee R on 14-Aug-2005 | KidsEver notice how a 4 year old's voice is louder than 200 adult
voices?
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm
hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into
my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my
wife, Karen, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned
myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night.
The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it
was OK to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was
expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said
okay.
After my next trip several weeks later, Karen and the children
picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the
plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for
my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting
for their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my
son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some
good news!" As I waved back, I said loudly, "What is the good
news?" "The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you
were away this time!" Alex shouted. The airport became very
quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then
turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if
they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.
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| Posted by David Zielinski on 14-Aug-2005 | Exciting Indian RideAn attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of
Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and
offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the
horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few
minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from
the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station,
yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station
attendant.
"Nothing," shrugged the woman, " I merely sat behind him on the horse, put
my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall
off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback........"
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| Posted by Anonymous on 14-Aug-2005 | "CAPTAIN BRAVO"********************
Captain Bravo
Such leadership!
Captain Bravo
Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo.
He was a manly man's man who showed no fear in facing his
enemies.
One > > > > day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout
spotted
a pirate ship and
the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me
my red shirt."
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and
while wearing
The bright frock he led his mates into battle and defeated
the pirates.
Later on, the lookout spotted not one, but two pirate ships.
The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again
vanquished the pirates.
That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting
the
day's
triumphs and one of the them asked the captain: "Sir, why
did you
call
for your red shirt before battle?" The captain
replied: "If I am wounded in
the attack, the shirt will not show my blood, and
thus, you men will
continue to resist, unafraid." All of the men sat in
silence and marveled
at the courage of such a man's manly man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout once again
spotted not
one,
not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and
file all stared
in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual
reply.Captain
Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed
against
his
mighty sailing ship and, without fear, turned, and
calmly shouted:
"Get me my brown pants"
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