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| Posted by Sam Tucker on 14-Aug-2005 | Biggest Lies3 Biggest Software Lies:
- The program's fully tested and bugfree.
- We're working on the documentation.
- Of course we can modify it.
3 Biggest Computer Room Lies:
- As long as you remember to 'SAVE' your input, you'll never lose any files.
- We run the stuff through as fast as it comes in the door.
- The new machines on order.
3 Biggest Large Company Lies:
- We have an entrepreneurial spirit here.
- People are our greatest resource.
- We say 'let the marketplace decide'.
3 Biggest Small Company Lies:
- We have an entrepreneurial spirit here.
- The boss is just one of the guys.
- Staying small is a conscious decision.
3 Biggest Marketing Lies:
- Immediate delivery?...No problem.
- We treat every customer as if they were our most important.
- We're going out to lunch to talk business.
3 Biggest Engineering Professor's Lies:
- Some day this course will come in handy.
- These tests are more trouble for me than they are for you.
- This is the way they do it in industry.
3 Biggest Executive Lies:
- Money...it's just a score card.
- If it were up to me, there'd be no assigned parking spaces.
- You have to twist my arm to get me to go on a business trip.
3 Biggest undergraduate student starting Physics Lies:
- There are plenty of jobs out there for Physics graduates.
- You'll make lots of money in your proffessional career.
- The general public respect Physicists.
3 Biggest student teacher lies:
- The school will help and support you all they can.
- This teaching course is interesting and stimulating.
- Kids today are just the same as when you went to school.
3 Biggest advertising lies:
- This product will taste as good as it looks.
- You really need our product.
- If you use our product you will have sex with the same kinds of people as you see in our ad.
3 Biggest mail order lies:
- Delivery of your product will occur within 30 days of ordering it.
- If you're not satisfied with our product we will guarentee a full refund.
- We offer repair of your product free of charge with an accredited repairer in your home State.
3 Biggest retail industry lies:
- Our staff are courteous and considerate.
- We try to help you with your problem.
- You can exchange or get full refund on an item that you're not satisfied with.
3 Biggest politician lies:
- I'll be factual and to the point.
- I'll give you a straightforward answer to your question.
- The government doesn't waste taxpayers money.
3 Biggest parent lies:
- We're doing this for your own interest.
- You can have that (do that) later (when you're older).
- The family can't afford it now.
3 Biggest supermodels lies:
- Women normally look like that.
- Women should look like that.
- Fasting and dieting is good for your health.
3 Biggest beer ads lies:
- Drinking beer is for macho men only.
- You'll meet good lifelong friends drinking beer in a bar.
- Women think drunken loudmouths are sexy.
3 Biggest life lies:
- ..and they lived happily ever after.
- Dying is painless.
- Things have gotten so bad that they couldn't possibly get worse.
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| Posted by Amy M. Poh on 14-Aug-2005 | Top Ten Drug Using Cartoon Characters10. Gargamel
Most likely LSD. spends his life in pursuit of little blue guys in faggy white outfits and mentally abusing his cat. what does he plan to do with the blue dwarfs when he catches them anyway?
9. Olive Oil
Probably Dexatrim abuse, maybe some amphetamines. Who is that skinny?! she might even be anorexic, she IS always giving her burger to her friend. One side question, what the hell are Popey and Brutus thinking? They almost made the list for courting her.
8. Snagglepuss
Can't explain it. Maybe it's the name, or the look, but he is suspicious.
7. He-Man
This is an easy one. I mean c'mon. Roid monkey #1. "BY THE POWER OF ANABOL!!!!!!" Makes me want to root for Skeletor. Alone in his castle, hitting the weights. And on top of that he even injects the shit in his pet tiger. Animal Abuse.
6.& 5.
Yogi and Boo Boo We all know what is really in those picnic baskets. They go back to the cave and trip. Another side ? - Are they gay? I mean, take a look at boo boo.
4. Droopy
The number one downer abuser in toon land. Can't someone slip him an upper every year or two? The only time I ever saw him happy is when he sees the picture of the babe.
3. Dopey Dwarf
He openly admits it. The other dwarfs deny involvement but they are under investigations. Allegations that Doc is writing some extra scripts for Sneezy and all the guys are partaking are afloat.
2. Daffy Duck
If he isn't using crack, Merion Barry is clean. He is so wired he bounces around on his head without pain. Blows his beak off all the time. Some symptoms might be from "daffiness" but Haldol wouldn't work for him. Might for his buddy with Tourettes, Porky though.
1. Shaggy
By far the #1 suspect. His clothes, his hair, his bad goatee, the boy converses with dogs. But all of this is nothing until you go to the Munchie Factor. Anybody who averages 9.3 dog treats consumed per episode does pot. And Look at the way him and his friends painted that van!
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| Posted by pyro_chaos78102 on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Scenes Cut from "Titanic"16. Hilarity ensues when someone replaces the life jackets with whoopee cushions.
15. Right after the ship hits the iceberg, the Captain hits the First Mate over the head with his cap, saying "Gilligan, you idiot!"
14. P-Funk Mothership descends on the quarterdeck and plays "Aqua Boogie" while Sir Nose d'Voidoffunk wails that he can't swim.
13. Twenty passengers cling to Kate Winslet's implants for safety.
12. Crazy French skunk sneaks on board and tries to romance Rose's black cat, who rubbed against a freshly-painted white pole.
11. Sexy young Strom Thurmond is saved when his new friend, Sven, the handsome Swedish steward, heroically gives up his lifeboat seat.
10. Battle over survivors breaks out between the "Carpathia" and the "Kevorkian."
9. Gopher, Isaac, and Doc escaping on a lifeboat with some stolen jewels and divorcees Karen Valentine, Connie Stevens and Charo.
8. At the 2:20 minutes mark, dinner guest #5 throws down his napkin and exclaims, "Will this damned thing ever end?!?"
7. A computer-generated Herve Villachaise screaming, "De berg, Boss, de berg!"
6. Fearing theme song will "go on forever," Celine Dion's grandmother leaps from lifeboat.
5. The evil fianc?© reveals that he's Jack's father and suggests they overthrow the Captain and rule the ship together as father and son.
4. Kathie Lee belting out, "If they could see me drown..."
3. Blooper in which Marlon Brando's "iceberg" makeup slips off.
2. Wanting his Scotch "on the rocks," First Mate Skippy Hazelwood deliberately steers the ship into the iceberg.
1. Captain Clinton shows Rose his dinghy.
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| Posted by Champ on 14-Aug-2005 | Top 15 Signs You're Dating a Control Freak15. During lovemaking, remains levitated just above a perfectly made bed and insists you do likewise.
14. Not only cuts up your steak for you, but numbers it as well.
13. The blindfold. The cuffs. The way she makes you yell "Thank you, Ms. Reno! May I have another?"
12. After you reach over to unlock his car door, he makes you do it again the *right* way.
11. He accedes to a romantic horse and buggy ride through Central Park -- *if* they let him drive.
10. Becomes furious if you have on your Tuesday socks at 11:30 pm Monday night.
9. He's carrying a copy of "Men are From Mars, Women Should Just Do What I Say."
8. "You idiot! That's not how you send a submission to the Top 5 list! Here, give me that keyboard."
7. If you use the wrong fork at dinner, she jabs the correct one into your neck.
6. When you threaten to leave her, she responds screaming, "And do what, Pretty Boy? Another AAMCO commercial?!?"
5. Swears she wouldn't correct you about your breathing if you weren't "doing it all wrong."
4. She sits on the couch and heckles that sloppy Martha Stewart Show.
3. Refuses to let you call Mia on Mother's Day.
2. His TV remote has a PIN number.
1. She keeps telling you that even though you're just a humble boy from Arkansas now, if you stick with her, you'll be President someday.
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| Posted by Brent Lybbert on 14-Aug-2005 | 20 Ways to Annoy Public Bathroom Stallmate1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"
6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"
11. Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"
13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me."
14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.
15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."
16. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free".
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| Posted by K. Caplan on 14-Aug-2005 | Ways To Be Offensive At A Funeral1.Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was a Viking S&M session
2.Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens.
3.Punch the body and tell people he hit you first.
4.Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.
5.At the cemetary, play taps on a kazoo.
6.Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're not in it.
7. Ask the widow to give you an enema.
8.Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask him if he can sneak him into the coffin.
11.Place a golf ball into the mouth of the deceased..... PAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
12.Slip a whoopee cushion under the deceased.
13.Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over.
15.Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor who can't afford firewood.
16.Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.
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