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| Posted by Mark B. Cullen on 14-Aug-2005 | birdsthere were 2 birds sitting on a perch one said i smell fish if u
like it email me at sarahgascoigne@btinternet.com
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| Posted by Anashel k. Hall on 14-Aug-2005 | Wrong StrawAt a circus in a nearby town a man stood thoughtfully looking at
the camels. Then he picked up a straw, placed it on the camel's
back and waited. Nothing happed,"Wrong straw," he muttered and
walked away.
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| Posted by John Smith on 14-Aug-2005 | Stupide AssYou're mamma's so stupide that she sits on the
tv to watch the couch!!!!
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| Posted by Giselle DaSilva-Martins on 14-Aug-2005 | Unique RabbitQ: How do you catch a unigue Rabbit
A: Unique up on it.
Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit
A: Tame way
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| Posted by Canadian seven seven eight on 14-Aug-2005 | Hamburger CowA hungry cow walked into a Butcher shop.
"Boy, Do I feel like a hamburger." he said.
"You should." said the Butcher with a evil grin.
and the cow was never seen again....
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| Posted by Betsy on 14-Aug-2005 | Angry piggy in the orchardThe angry piggy went to steal some cherries. It entered the
orchard and climbed a cherry tree and started to eat...
The ranger sees the angry piggy and shouts to it: "What the heck
are you doing up there?". The angry piggy answered: "I'm eating
apples!"
The ranger: "Don't try to foul me, you're up in a cherry tree!"
The angry piggy: "Yeah, but i brought apples with me from
home..."
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| Posted by Eric Skinner on 14-Aug-2005 | DogsWhy do dogs have fur coats?
So they don't fur-eeze!
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| Posted by Nina! on 14-Aug-2005 | 3 Penguins3 Penguins walk into a bar. The first one walks into the bar and
passes out. The second one walks into the bar and he, too,
passes out. The third one walks into the bar and after he passes
out a guy watching says, "Gee, I thought the third guy would
have ducked!"
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| Posted by David J. Nicholson on 14-Aug-2005 | intimate bunnysWhy cant you hear 2 rabbits making love?
cause they have cotton balls
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| Posted by david m. stwert on 14-Aug-2005 | The beachOne day at the beach there was this girl that did not have any
arms or legs and was crying.So that day this guy walks by her
and says is there anything wrong the girl says yes never been
kissed so he kissed her.The next day she was there crying again
so the guy walked by her and said is there something wrong the
gurl says yes never been huged
so the guy huged her.The next day he sees that girl crying so he
walks
by and says anything wrong the girl says yes never been fucked
so he picked her up and threw her in the water and said now
you're fucked.
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| Posted by Erin Lord on 14-Aug-2005 | the chickenwhat did the baby chicken say when a hen laid an orange?
look at the orange marmalade.
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| Posted by Rob on 14-Aug-2005 | The MuleA burrow (mule) walks into a fancy resturant and sits on a
chair. A waiter comes over and sais : I am sorry, but we do not
allow animals in this resturant. The burrow looks at him and
sais: but sir, i am not a burrow, I am a costume for a movie. I
am a man inside. Any way, the waiter lets him order. After a
fine meal, the waiter sees he's clearly an animal, yells at him
for lieng. The mule said hey you belived me, I may be a mule but
your the real jackass.
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| Posted by Matt Der on 14-Aug-2005 | centepiedeOne day a guy walked in to apet shop and was looking for a pet a
sales man comes over and says"Would you like a pet that could do
all your chores"sure i would the guy said then the saleman says
see that centepiede it can do every thing take it or leave it
the says ill take the guy gos home and says go get some milk to
the centepiede{which had ove a thousand legs} the cenpied gos
out the door the guy waits 20 mins 30 mins now an hour the guy
got up and went out the door and looked down and saw the
centepiede he said what are you doing then the centepiede
replies im going im going im tieing my shoes
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| Posted by Tiger_Lily on 14-Aug-2005 | 3 PigsThere where 3 pigs that walked in to a bar. The first pig asked
the bartender for a drink and where the bathroom was. The
bartender said down the hall and to the left. The next pig asked
for a drink and where the bathroom was. The bardender said down
the hall and to the left. The next pig asked for a drink. The
bartender said, "Are you going to ask where the bathroom is?",
and the pig said, "No, I go wee, wee, wee all the way home."
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| Posted by ron k. carmichael on 14-Aug-2005 | insectisidea friend of mine has just invested a wonderful insectiside, it
kills all plans to the insects starve to death!
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| Posted by Dean A. Evans on 14-Aug-2005 | A mouse's vacationOne day 3 mice got sooo board they decided to go on vacation.
They went on vacation in the bathroom. The first mouse went in
the tub,the second mouse went in the sink and the third mouse
went in the toilet. When they got back they told everyone about
it. The first mouse said"It was nice and refreshing and i liked
it". The second mouse said "It was nice and refreshing and i
liked it". The third mouse said "well,i didn't like it at all!
First it started to get dark then there was thunder and it
started to rain and after all that there was a giant whirlpool!!
But if it wasn't for the log i wouldn't be standing here!
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| Posted by Herman on 14-Aug-2005 | IM GOINGOne day a guy walked into a pet shop and a guy walked up and
said" Would you like a animal that can talk and do all of your
chores"
the guy thought a moment and said "Sure i would" they walked
around
the corner and it was a centiepiede in a cage this is our best
one we have sir ill take it the guy said then he left to go
home when he got there he said to the centepiede to go get some
milk the centipede walked
directly outthe door the guy waited 30 mins. not back yet 45
mins not
back now an hour the guy got up walked to his door and opened it
he looked down
and saw him what are you doing the guy said then the centepiede
said im going im going im
tieing my shoes
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| Posted by Ramon Hughes on 14-Aug-2005 | Ducks at the Bar One rainy day, a duck walks into a bar with a cheeky grin
on his face. He orders a bottle of beer. The bartender asks,
"Why are you so happy?" The duck replies, "Oh, I've been in and
out of puddles all day." The bartender gives him his beer.
Another duck walks in the bar. He has sweat all over him
and he's panting like a crazy dog. He orders a glass of water.
The bartender asks him, "Why are you panting like that?" The
duck replies, "I've been jumping in and out of puddles all day
long." The bartender gives him the water.
After the two ducks left, another duck walks in the bar
with a frown on her face. She orders a glass of wine. The
bartender asks her, "Why are you so sad?" The duck replies, "I'm
Puddles."
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| Posted by NINER on 14-Aug-2005 | The Bear and the Rabbit Once there was a bear taking a nasty, smelly crap. Five
minutes later, a rabbit hopped by. When the rabbit stopped the
bear asked."Do you have problems of crap sticking to your fur."
"no" replied the rabbit
The bear said "Good." Picked up the rabbit and wiped his butt.
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| Posted by Yo Momma on 14-Aug-2005 | Animals and Porsche A mouse was walking back home in Africa, when he fell into a
briar bush. Mean while, an elephant hears the mouses call for
help and he tell the mouse to hold on to his dick (sence
elephants don't have hands). So the mouse did as the elephant
wanted and he got out of the briar bush. Then the mouse tells
the elephant that when he needed help, just ask the mouse for it.
About five minutes later, the elephant falls into an
elephant trap. The elephant is screaming for help and then the
mouse remembered his promise to the elephant and so he goes to
the elephant with his Porsche and tells the elephant to hold
onto the bumber with his trunk. Now the elephant does as he is
told and he gets out of the trap.
What's the moral of the story.
If you have a big dick you don't need a Porsche.
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| Posted by Mickey Kirksey on 14-Aug-2005 | Mary's little lambMary had a little lamb,
She tide it to a pylon,
500 volts went up it's ass,
and now it's wool is nylon
Mary had a little lamb,
she knew it cudnt swim,
she took it to the swimming baths,
and threw the fucker in
Mary had a little Lamb,
she also had a duck,
she put them on the mantle piece,
to see if they wud fuck
Mary had a little Lamb,
her father shit it dead,
now everyday she takes it to school,
in a roll of bread!
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| Posted by Frank J. James on 14-Aug-2005 | Whale Hijinx
Two whales are swimming along one day, bored. One whale spots a
ship and suggests to the other, "Hey, why don't we swim under
that boat, and spurt out water so it tips over?"
"Well," says the other whale, "I'll give it a blow job, but I
refuse to swallow to swallow any sea men!"
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| Posted by Aaron D. Fredrick on 14-Aug-2005 | A day in the jungleHow do you hide an elephant?
Stick him up a tree and paint his balls brown.
Whats the loudest noise in the jungle?
Tarzan picking coconuts.
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| Posted by Zak on 14-Aug-2005 | JesusOne Day A Guy Broke Into A Familys House While They Were Out. He
Was Creeping Slowly Up The Stairs When He Heard "Jesus Is Gonna
Get U!" He Stood Still For A Moment Thinking There Was Still
Someone Home. When He Didnt Hear Anything For Awile He Continued
His Way Up The Stairs. The He Heard It Again, He Got Out His Gun
And Turned The Corner, And Sitting There Was A Parrot. He WaS
Releived And The Parrot Said Again "Jesus Is Gonna Get U!" He
Replied "Is That So, And Where Is Jesus" He Laughed And Started
To Walk On, The He Heard The Parrot Say "Jesus Is The Family
Rotwieler"
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| Posted by jake hatesworth on 14-Aug-2005 | Major MisunderstandingA guy walks into a bar and sees a jar full of money on the
counter. Natrally the guy asks the bartender 'That money couldnt
have possibly been collected in tips, whats it there for?'
so the bartender explains 'well in this jar is $5,000 in cash
and i am willing to give it up if someone will take on a dare i
propose to them.'
so the guy say says 'well whut is the dare?'
the bartender smirks and explains 'well u see that huge, burley,
monster of a man?' the guy nods-
-the bartender says 'you have to knock him out cold in one
swing, and you see that door in the back of this bar?'
the guy nods while the bartender continues 'behind that door is
a pitbull, you gotta reach in her mouth and pull out her gold
tooth, and u see the old woman sitting on that park bench across
the street?' the guys nods again-bartender says 'she is 93 and a
virgin , u must have sex with her'
so the guys sits for about 10minutes thinking this dare over and
in the end thinks what the heck - ill take the dare, i need the
money anyway.
so he goes up to the gigantic man and knocks him out cold ,
one punch to the head. then he goes to the back of the bar opens
the door goes in, and closes it. for at least 30 minutes the
rest of the bar hears loud squealing and yelping from the
pitbull and moans and groans from the guy. Finally the guy comes
out looks at the bartender and says 'ok so wheres the old lady
with the gold tooth?'
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| Posted by candy gram on 14-Aug-2005 | Christmas ParrottA man walks into a pet store and tells the owner that he is
looking for a parrot that sings Christmas carols. The owner
tells him that he is in luck becuase they just got one in that
day. So the man asks to see it.
It is a beautiful bird, and the man is very excited, so he askes
how you get it to sing. "Oh that's simple," answers the shop
owner, "all you have to do is hold a lighter up to the bird's
body and it will sing different songs."
So the man gets out his lighter and holds it up to the birds
left wing and it sings "Jingle Bells", he is impressed. He then
holds it up to the right wing, and the bird starts to sing
"Frosty the Snowman", when the lighter got held up to the birds
stomach it started to sing "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer."
Finally the man holds the lighter up under the bird's tail, and
without a moments hesitation the parrot starts to sing "Chesnuts
Roasting on an Open Fire."
Ha Ha Ha you know you love it!! :)
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| Posted by Brian G. Hurley on 14-Aug-2005 | puddles? three ducks walk into a bar, the bar tender askes the first one
"whats your name?" the duck replies "tom, i've had a wonderfull
day i've been playing in puddles in and out over and through! it
was fun!" the bar tender says "i bet it was" and he goes to the
seconde duck "whats your name?" the duck replies "i am dick, and
i've had a wonderfull day i was playing in puddles in and out
over and through it was fun!" and the bartender says "i bet it
was" then he goes to the third duck "i bet your name is harry!"
"no" the duck replies "my name is puddles and you don't wanna no
what kind of day i had".
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| Posted by Ryan I. Mehmi on 14-Aug-2005 | The Horse in the BarA man walks into a bar one day to see a horse tied up to a stool
with a bucket full of five dollar bills beside him. The man goes
up to the bartender and says,"Hey, whats going on with the
horse?" the bartender replies, "You put five dollars into that
bucket and if you can make that horse laugh, you can take home
all the money." the guy figures its worth a shot so he puts five
dollars into the bucket and whispers into the horses ear. The
horse looks dazed for a moment and then starts laughing
uncontrolably. The man picks up the bucket and silently walks
out.
The next day, the same man walks into the same bar and sees the
same horse. He goes up to the bartender and says, "same thing
today?" the bartender says, "Nah, today you gotta make him cry"
so the guy puts a five into the bucket and leads the horse into
another room. A couple of minutes later the guy and the horse
come back. The horse is sobbing and weeping all over the place.
The man picks up the bucket and is about to walk out the door
when the bartender says, "Hey, pal, wait up. What did you do to
that animal? I've got to know." The man smiles and simply
replies, "Well the first day I told the horse I had a bigger
dick than he did, and today I proved it."
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| Posted by lil'devil on 14-Aug-2005 | Dead catA little boy went up to his mum one day and said: "guess what
mummy? I found a dead cat!" So his mum said "are you sure it's
dead?"
The little boy said - "yes! I know it's dead because i pissed in
its ear and it didn't wake up!"
"You did WHAT??!!!" Exclaimed his mother.
"you know" said her son "i went pssst in its ear and it didn't
stir!!"
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| Posted by Keith Mc Laughlin on 14-Aug-2005 | panda in pubA panda enters the pub and asks the barman for a pint and a blt.
The baramn serves him and carriess on with his job.
When the panda has finished his pint and his blt he gets up,
pulls out a gun and shoots dead the man playing the piano.
The panda is about the leave when the barman says "you can't
just leave, you have just shot my best piano player"
"Yes i can" says the panda. "you look panda up in the dictionary"
the barman is confused so he goes home and gets out his
dictionary. he looks up panda and there it says
"Panda - eats shoots and leaves"
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