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| Posted by NaughtyPillow on 09-Aug-2005 | Black box firstThe pilot came across the intercom and said "Folks we are experiencing major difficulties and we need to prepare for a crash landing". Everyone began to panic. The flight attendant starting to check on the passengers. She walked by one lady putting on make-up and fixing her hair. He said "we are about to crash what are you doing?"
She replied "I heard that when the come to recover the passengers that they look for the prettiest one first".
She shook her head and kept walking. Across the way she noticed another passenger putting on all of her jewelry. She asked her what she doing.
She replied "I heard that they look for the wealthiest person first.
She kept walking and came to a black lady taking all of her clothes off.
She asked her what she was doing and she replied "I heard that when they come to rescue that they look for the black box first"!!
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| Posted by Derek K. Lewis on 09-Aug-2005 | Thumbs upA successful businessman flew to Vegas for a weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip air ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, offering his credit card numbers, his driver's license number and his address but to no avail.
The cabbie said, "if you don't have $15, get the hell out of my cab".
So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab back to the airport.
Well, who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line.
'How much for a ride to the airport?' he asked.
'Fifteen bucks,' came the reply.
'And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?'
'What? Get the hell out of my cab you arsehole!'
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked,
'How much for a ride to the airport?'
The cabbie replied, 'Fifteen bucks.'
The businessman said 'OK' and off they went.
Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs-up sign to each driver.
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| Posted by Blake A. Cooper on 09-Aug-2005 | On Flight 167A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.
He asks her about it and she replies,
'This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that Native Americans have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill, what's yours?'
He coolly replies, 'Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you.'
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| Posted by ProudBreed on 09-Aug-2005 | Only when drunkA man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place...
Man: 'What's the problem officer?'
Officer: 'You were going at least 75 in a 50 zone.'
Man: 'No sir. I was going 65. '
Wife: 'Oh. Harry. You were going 80. '
The man gives the wife a dirty look.
Officer: 'I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. '
Man: 'Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!'
Wife: 'Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.'
Man gives his wife a dirty look.
Officer: 'I'm also going to give you a ticket for not wearing your seat belt.'
Man: 'Oh, I just look it off when you were walking up to the car'
Wife: 'Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.'
Man: 'Shut your big bloody mouth, OK!'
Officer: 'Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time.'
Wife: 'No, only when he's drunk.'
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| Posted by DayDreamer on 09-Aug-2005 | $10 is $10Stumpy and his wife Martha, went to the fair every year and every year Stumpy would say,
'Martha, I'd like to ride in that there aeroplane.'
And every year Martha would say,
'I know Stumpy, but that aeroplane ride costs $10, and $10 is $10.'
One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said,
'Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that aeroplane this year I may never get another chance.
Martha replied
'Stumpy that aeroplane costs $10 and $10 is $10
The pilot overheard them and said
'Folks. I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's $10.??™
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns' rolls and dives' but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy,
'By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't.'
Stumpy replied,
'Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out but $10 is $10.'
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| Posted by Chris Rinchik on 14-Aug-2005 | No Longer AngryAn award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being
smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger
who probably deserved to fly as cargo. During the final days at Denver's
old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled.
A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his
ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it
has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but
I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work
something out."
The passenger was not impressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers
behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address
microphone.
"May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing
throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES
NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come
to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at
the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "Fuck you."
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have
to stand in line for that, too."
The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although
the flight was canceled and people were late, they were no longer angry at
United.
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