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| Posted by Brooke A. Wilds on 09-Aug-2005 | Blind golfStevie Wonder bumps into Jack Nicklaus at a charity event and says, "Hey, Jack, we should go out and play a round of golf sometime."
"No offense, Stevie, but you??™re blind. How the hell can you play golf?"
"Easy," Stevie says. "I have a guy who stands next to the hole and whistles. Then I hit it toward the sound. I??™m actually quite good."
"Yeah, sure," Jack says in disbelief.
"I??™m serious," Stevie says, "I??™ll even bet I??™d shoot a better score than you."
"C??™mon, Stevie, I??™d never take your money like that."
"I??™m telling you," Stevie says confidently, "I??™m certain I would win."
"OK," Jack says, "when will we play?"
Stevie replies, "How about tonight?"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
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| Posted by Ring a Ding Kid on 09-Aug-2005 | Med classA group of first-year medical students is gathered around an operating table for their first anatomy lesson with a dead body.
???As a doctor, you??™ll need to develop two key skills,??? the professor begins. ???The first is stoicism. You can??™t be disgusted by anything involving the human body.???
The professor then rolls the body over, sticks his finger into the corpse??™s butt, withdraws it and sticks his finger in his mouth.
???Now do the same,??? he instructs.
The horrified students hesitate, but eventually take turns dipping a finger into the cadaver??™s anus and then sucking on it.
When everyone has finished, the professor continues, ???The second skill is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and then I sucked on my index finger."
"Pay attention!???
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
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| Posted by Riesa Lewis on 09-Aug-2005 | FleaA flea died and went to Heaven. St. Peter met it at the gate and explained that it could choose how it could spend the rest of eternity.
SP: "Have you thought about it? Do you know how you'd like to spend the rest of eternity?"
Flea: "Yes St. Peter, I have thought about it, I'd like to spend the rest of eternity on the back of a rich lady's dog."
SP: "So be it, it's done."
A few weeks later St. Peter was wondering about the flea and so he called.
SP: "Flea, how are you doing?"
Flea: "Oh St. Peter, I made a terrible mistake. This old broad washes her dog two to three times a day, she perfumes it, and I'm nauseous and I have a headache from the smell."
SP: "Well you know that you aren't supposed to get more than one choice on how to spend the rest of eternity, but you are supposed to be happy. Have you thought about what else you might like to do?"
Flea: "Oh yes, St. Peter! I have thought about it and I'm sorry I didn't bring it up before, I'd like to spend it in Willie Nelson's beard."
SP: "So be it, it's done."
Out of curiosity St. Peter checked on the flea a few weeks later.
SP: "Hello flea, how are you doing now?"
Flea: "I'm sorry St. Peter, I'm not doing well at all. I get woke up in the middle of the night, get drenched with beer, foul language all the time and I keep getting woozy with some white powder that flies around. It's Hell, St. Peter, I'm miserable!"
SP: "You know, flea, you're not supposed to be able to change your mind about how you spend the rest of eternity, but you say this is 'Hell,' have you considered what else you might like to do?"
Flea: "Oh, St. Peter, YES! I have thought about it, and I have decided that I'd like to spend the rest of eternity in Dolly Parton's bush."
SP: "So be it, it's done."
Not being able to stand his curiosity, St. Peter decided to check on the flea again after a few weeks.
SP: "How's it going flea?"
Flea: "Oh, hi St. Peter, well, it's kind of strange... You see there was this big party. There was lots of singing and dancing, I got bounced around a lot and there was this weird smoke in the air that made me dizzy.
There were hands all over me and I don't quite remember all that happened, but would you believe it? I'm back in Willie Nelson's beard!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
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| Posted by Brenda Willing on 09-Aug-2005 | 8 moreWhy is 77 better than 69?
Because you get 8 more!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
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| Posted by Amanda Ussell on 09-Aug-2005 | rooster v prostituteWhat's the difference between a rooster and a prostitute?
One says 'Cock-a-doodle-doo' and the other says 'Any cock will do'.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
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| Posted by DarkAxz on 09-Aug-2005 | Chicken thingSo Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
GEORGE W BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. Our side of the road is the right side of the road and the chicken is either against us or for us. There is no middle ground for any chicken.
COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
DONALD RUMSFELD
I have known about the chicken crossing the road for several months. I was investigating why the chicken moved but didn't feel it was necessary to alert anyone.
HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road I am now against it!
RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
PAT BUCHANAN
To steal the job of a decent, hard-working American.
RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that somebody out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build road for chickens to cross.
MARTHA STEWART
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any inside information.
DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die in the rain. Alone.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together -- in peace.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX
It was a historic inevitability.
CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.
SIGMOND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
I have just witnessed eChicken2004, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook... and Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE
That was my chicken! I invented the chicken.
COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?
Submitted by Tantilazing
Edited by Yisman
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