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| Posted by jarrod baimbridge on 12-Aug-2005 | Blind loveDo you believe in love at first sight?
How about for blind people?
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| Posted by Everybody's Sweetheart on 12-Aug-2005 | The TestThree men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, \"I brought ten
apples.\" The king then explained the trial to him. \"You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you\'ll be eaten.\"
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, \"Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?\" The
second one replied, \"I couldn\'t help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples.\"
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| Posted by casanova on 13-Aug-2005 | Larry Miller on AgingA great standup routine which somone typed up!
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Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than ten years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half."
You're never 36 and a half....you're four and a half going on 5. You get into your teens; now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number.
"How old are you?"
"I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16. Eventually.
Then the great day of your life; you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony You BECOME 21....Yes!!!!!
Then you turn 30. What happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. What's wrong? What changed? You BECOME 21; you TURN 30.
Then you're PUSHING 40....stay over there.
You REACH 50.
You BECOME 21; you TURN 30; You're PUSHING 40; you REACH 50; then you MAKE IT to 60. By then you've built up so much speed, you HIT 70.
After that, it's a day by day thing. You HIT Wednesday...
You get into your 80's; you HIT lunch, you HIT 4:30. My Grandmother won't even buy green bananas. "Well, it's an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one."
And it doesn't end there....
Into the 90's, you start going backwards. "I was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens; if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half."
Happy aging!
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| Posted by Kyrajeff N. Rufclare on 14-Aug-2005 | Way to Go Old ManA knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man planning to screw him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference.
On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a 12 inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and noseplugs.
Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"
The elderly gentleman replied, "There are just two things I can't stand - the sound of a woman screaming and the smell of burning rubber."
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| Posted by Funny Girl on 14-Aug-2005 | Last WishesSometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been. "Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes.
`Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then I can rest in peace'."
"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.
"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.
"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral.' I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."
"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.
"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone.' Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said, "So, do you like my stone?" showing off her ten carat diamond ring.
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