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| Posted by NoraLora on 14-Aug-2005 | Blind PilotsOn a plane going from Perth to Sydney all the passengers are on
board and the crew are checking that everone is wearing their
seatbelts. But the pilot and co-pilot are not on the plane yet
as everyone can see through the door into the cockpit. Finally
the pilot and co-pilot step on the plane. The pilot is holding
onto a leash that restrains a seeing-eye labrador and the
co-pilot is holding a white cane which he is tapping on the
ground. Both men are wearing thick black glasses. The passengers
laugh nervously, Surely this must be a joke they think as the
pilots walk into the cockpit. the plane begins to run down the
runway. At the end of the runway there is a large lake. The
plane is already half way down the runway and the plane still
hasn't taken off. The passengers begin screaming loudly. Surely
the plane will fall right into the lake. Then the plane takes
off into the air. In the cockpit the co-pilot turns to the pilot
and says.
Co-pilot- Frank, one of these days the passengers are going to
scream too late and then we'll all die.
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| Posted by Amy E. Allendorf on 14-Aug-2005 | Damn fish!A man was selling goods on a market...
Man: Dam fish, get your dam fish!
Vicar: There's no need for language like that, why are you
calling it damn fish, my son?
Man: It was caught in a dam.
Vicar: Oh, that's OK then, I'll have some please.
The vicar goes home to his wife...
Vicar: Cook this dam fish.
Wife: How dare you talk like that, you're a vicar!
Vicar: No, you don't understand, it was caught in a dam.
Wife: Oh! OK.
The wife cooks the fish and half an hour later, they are sitting
down to dinner with their son...
Vicar: Pass the dam fish please, son.
Son: That's the spirit, dad! Now pass the fucking potatoes!
( I apologise for the unfunniness of this joke, it was told to
me by a friend who insisted I put it on this website!)
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| Posted by skitzo frenic on 14-Aug-2005 | Another Elevator JokeA man and a woman are in an elevator. As the doors close, the
woman takes off all of her clothes and says, "Make me fell like
a woman." Then the man smiles, takes off his clothes, and says
"Here, fold these."
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| Posted by dantheman on 14-Aug-2005 | 10 words that dont exist but should10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should
1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to
turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when
vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a
dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then
putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of
confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it,
assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering
for one armrest in a movie theater.
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be
swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the
room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the
rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling
the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has
to resort to the 'illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant
whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if
they want fresh ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone
number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a
dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of
always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it
up, even when you're only six inches away.
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| Posted by Diana Shalmi on 14-Aug-2005 | Midget in a toiletStanding at a urinal, a man notices he's being watched by a
midget. Although the short man is staring at him intently, the
man doesn't feel uncomfortable until the midget drags a small
stepladder over to him, climbs it and proceeds to stare at the
mans balls at close range.
"Wow!" says the midget, "those are the nicest balls I've ever
seen!"
Surprised and flattered, the man thanks the midget but starts to
walk away. But the dwarf stops him.
"Listen, I know this is a strange request, but can I touch your
balls?"
"Erm. I suppose theres no harm in it" says the man.
Quickly the midget reaches out and grabs the guys balls tightly
and shouts "Hand over the wallet or I jump...!"
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| Posted by bubbles_flower on 14-Aug-2005 | jokeThe Shiny-Walled Box Thingie
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They
were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two
shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by
themselves.The lad asked, "What is this, father?"The father
(having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what
it is."While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an
old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and
pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between
them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his
father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.The walls
opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman
stepped out.The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go
get your mother."
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