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| Posted by ~*~JoNaThAnLuVa88~*~ on 13-Aug-2005 | Boarding the busOne day, a large group of people were waiting for the bus at a local Greyhound station. At the front of the line was a very attractive woman dressed in a black business vest, white blouse, leather miniskirt, and high heels.
As the bus pulled up and opened the door, she went to board it, but found that her skirt was too tight for her to raise her leg to the required height. Looking around and thinking quickly, she reaches behind her and unzips the zipper on the back of her skirt a little and then tries again. Again, she finds that she cannot maneuver the step, so once more she reaches behind her and unzips her skirt a little more.
With a smile, she looks at the bus driver and tries to board again. With disappointment, she finds that she still can't step that high and so with exasperation and a sigh she unzips her skirt the rest of the way down. To her amazement, her leg still will not reach the bottom step.
Finally, a very large Texan behind her gently grabs her by the waist, lifts her up, and places her on the bus. The woman turns to the Texan furious and says, "Who do you think you are to touch my body in that way? I don't even know you!"
Nonplused, the Texan looks at her and replies, "Well, ma'am, after you unzipped my fly I thought we were pretty good friends."
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| Posted by Little Devil on 13-Aug-2005 | Nothing to worry aboutWhile cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. 'Good lord!' he screamed, 'one of the engines just blew up!' Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached the package to their backs. 'Say,' spoke up an alert passenger, 'aren't those parachutes?' The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, 'But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?' 'There isn't,' replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. 'We're going to get help.'
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| Posted by Ben C. Bays on 13-Aug-2005 | Airline SpeechIn my own words: "I was flying from SFO to PDX on Friday, and the flight attendant reading the flight safety information had the whole plane looking at each other like 'what the heck?' (Getting PDX people to look at each other is an accomplishment.) So once we got airborne, I took out my laptop and typed up what she said so I wouldn't forget. I've left out a few parts I'm sure, but this is most of it."
Before takeoff...
"Hello, and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to Portland. If you're going to Portland, you're in the right place. If you're not going to Portland, you're about to have a really long evening."
"We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is...The Flight Attendants. Please look at one now."
"There are 5 exits aboard this plane: 2 at the front, 2 over the wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If you're seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea. Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit. Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did.
We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows."
"In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but there's oxygen there, promise. If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask first. If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one first, and then work your way down."
"In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out and play with it now."
"Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and tight about your waist. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it's a pulley thing -- not a pushy thing like your car because you're in an airplane -- HELLOOO!!"
"There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide. There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit.
We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight...hold on, let me check what it is...Oh here it is; the movie tonight is 'Gone with the Wind.' "
"In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going to get really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading light. Please don't press the orange button unless you absolutely have to.
The orange button is your seat ejection button."
"We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for choosing Alaska Air, and giving us your business and your money. If there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask."
"If you all weren't strapped down you would have given me! a standing ovation, wouldn't you?"
After landing...
"Welcome to the Portland International Airport. Sorry about the bumpy landing. It's not the captain's fault. It's not the copilot's fault. It's the asphalt."
"Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate. So please don't even try. Please be careful opening the overhead bins because 'shift happens'."
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| Posted by Bubble Angel on 13-Aug-2005 | Cab Driver IncidentA taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second, everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
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