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| Posted by Sara Bernabeo on 09-Aug-2005 | cameraPolaroid has a new camera they call a hemaroid , takes shitty pictures and anyone can operate it.
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| Posted by I'm Angel on 08-Aug-2005 | keeping idiots busyThis cat is cat a cat good cat way cat to cat keep cat an cat idiot cat busy cat for cat 20 seconds cat.
Now read this again without the word cat.
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| Posted by Bec on 14-Aug-2005 | things to do in a hotel1) smear peanut butter all over the public restroom floor!
2)spill lemonade on the sheets, after it doesnt lQQK like
lemonade
3) Go to the fronk desk constantly asking for toilet paper
4) When a maid comes to clean your room call the front desk and
tell them that their isa phsyco at you door trying to get
in(lock the door), then give a description,ex. a middle-agd
spanish lady, with a cart, about 4'5, sayin words that seem t
be" Room Service"
5) dial random numbers saying your the police and theres a bomb
in your room, tell them to evacuate immediantly
6) clog the toilets numerious times!
7) unplug your t.v. then call room seriveand tell them your t.v.
is not working, then when they try plugging it in ask them how
to change the colors!
8) pour fish into the pool
9) pee all over the toilet seat, and the floor , and see what
the mids say!
10)go fishing in the pool( USE REAL LIVE WORMS)
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| Posted by XX2Gurly4UXX on 12-Aug-2005 | Spongebob jokewhy do you think Mr.Crabs let spongebob do all the cookin?
Because he would come in handy for cleanin after all these years of hard work!
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| Posted by sexy bugger on 14-Aug-2005 | Congratulate Me!A woman is in the shower. Suddenly the doorbell rang. She puts
on her bathrobe and goes to answer it. A doctor is their.
"Congratulate me!" he says. "I just got a letter saying I'm a
great doctor. The lady slammed the door in his face and goes
back to the shower. The doorbell rang. It was a college
student. "Congratulate me." he said. "I just got my diploma."
She slammed the door in his face. She goes back into the
shower. Knowing that the only guy left on her blockis the blind
man, she doesn't bother to put on her bathrobe. She goes to the
door and sees the blind man. "Congratulate me." he said. "I
just got my eyesight back!"
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| Posted by Dan Berkowitz on 09-Aug-2005 | Murphy's Laws /Murphys 1st Law: If anything can go wrong, it will Murphys 2nd Law: Nothing is as easy as it looks Murphys 3rd Law: Everything takes longer than you think Murphys 4th Law: If theres a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will. Murphys 5th Law: Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first Murphys 6th Law: Every solution breeds a new problem Murphys 7th Law: Its immposible to make something foolproof as fools are so ingenious. Murphys 8th Law: Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. Murphys 9th Law: Left to themselves things tend to go from bad to worse Murphys 10th Law: When things just cant get any worse, they will
O'Toole's Law: Murphy was an opptomist.
Forsythes Corollary to Murphys Law: Just when you see the light at the end of the tunnel, the roof caves in.
The Unspeakable Law: As soon as you mention something if its good it will go away, if it is bad it wil happen
Non-Reciprocal Law of Expectations: Negative expectations yield negative results, positive expectations yield negative results
Etorres Observation: The other queue always moves faster
Barths Distinction: There are two types of people. Those who divide people into 2 types of people, and those who dont.
Segals Law: A man with 1 watch always knows what time it is, a man with 2 is never sure
Fabers 4th Law: Nessesity is the mother of strange bedfellows
Simons Law: Everything put together sooner or later falls apart
Scotts 1st Law: No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right Scotts 2nd Law: When an error has been detected and corrected it will be found to have been correct in the first place
Finagles Law: Once a job has been fowled up, almost everything done to improve it only makes it worse.
Buggings Law: A man that can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on
Gumpersons Law: The probability of anything happening is the inverse of its desirability
Stockmayers Law: If it looks easy it is tough, if it looks tough it is immposible
Hofstadters Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadters law into account
Any horse which has won all of its races will lose as soon as you bet on it
Agnes Allens Law: Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.
Andersons Law: I have yet to see any problems however complicated which, when you looked at it the right way didnt become more complicated
Borens guidlines for bureacracy: When in charge, ponder; when in trouble, delegate; when in doubt, mumble
Corcorans Law: All papers that you keep will never be needed until you dispose of them, when they become essential
Jonses Law: Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate
Johnsons Law of Car Repair: Any tool dropped while repairing a car will role under the vehicle to the exact geographical center
Wolfs Law: Those who dont study the past will repeat its errors, those who do study it will find new ones.
Also contrary to other thoughts Coles Law is not a life law at all, it is slices cabbage.
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| Posted by Leah Pavo on 09-Aug-2005 | what is it?Q. There's one in every corner and two in every room. What is it?
A. O
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| Posted by unknow on 04-Oct-2005 | blonedBlond (B1) is walking in the forest and comes to a lake. She wants to cross the lake so she looks around ans see another blond (B2) on the other side so the B1 goes:
Hey, how do I get to the other side?
B2 You are on the other side!
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| Posted by Rachel E. Winograd on 14-Aug-2005 | responsibility lectureThere was a family of 3 generations all living in separate
homes: The Father and mother [age 66 and 70]
The Oldest Son and his wife and two childeren [a son-15 and a
daughter-10]
&The youngest daughter and her husband and two children [a
daughter-12 and a son-8]
It was summer holidays for the children and the parents were all
working, so, just to let the kids play they decided to leave
them all at their grandparents [just a reminder aged 66 and 70]
for thursday and friday every week until they had stopped the
working year and gone on holidays.
The children knew that their grandparents were over protective,
and also liked to chat a lot. So when the first day came, they
sat themselves down on the couch to watch some TV.
"NO NO NO! you cant just sit in front of the TV all day, you
have to go outside FIRST just for a little bit." lectured the
grandmother.
the grandfather had left just a few minutes earlier and wouldnt
have objected to TV, it was peace and quiet for him.
So the kids went outside to find something to do. Andrew, the
oldest son of the oldest son, was bored and didnt want to play
anything, so he sat down and read a book. The other 3 had a
water fight with water pistols and water bombs and everything!
When the grandmother came out, she cracked a fit and let them
all watch TV.
Just a few minutes later, the grandmother returned and said to
Andrew, the oldest,
"Now Andrew, you've got 3 children in your hands now!"
"oh Gosh!" exclaims Andrew.
"Because im going out and you HAVE to be responsible!"
"Yeah whatever"
"WHATEVER!??!?!?! its not just WHATEVER, its 3 children, YOU
have to be responsible for them, you're nearly 16!"
"and ill be driving soon, away, FAR away."
"You should learn to be responsible!"
any way this continues for about another hour and finally when
the grandmother is satisfyed that Andrew will be responsible,
she ends it:
"fine, im going now."
"Grandma, where are you going?"asks the youngest one.
"To the letter box, to check the mail."
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| Posted by cory a. HOGAN on 14-Aug-2005 | doctorA doctor was delivering a baby and when the baby comes out he
drops it on the ground. The mother says what in the hell are you
doing? He then picks up the baby and throws it againts the wall.
He runs acrost the room and picks it up and drop kicks it. Then
finally he picks it up by the legs and spikes it on its head.
The whole time the mother is going ape shit saying what the hell
are you doing to my baby boy? Oh, the doctor says, dont worry it
was already dead.
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| Posted by devil dawg 50 on 14-Aug-2005 | Man on toiletQ:What do you call someone standing on top of a toilet?
A:High on Pot
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| Posted by Scott D. Willson on 14-Aug-2005 | No CodA man went into a fish shop and said
"Can I have some cod please?"
The shop owner replied,
"We dont have any cod"
So the man said ok then asked,
"Can I have some cod?"
The chippy owner told him again that there was no cod. So the
man said,
"OK... can I have some cod?"
At this the chip shop owner got really pissed off and said,
"Look mate we have no cod C-O-F-D, cod" the bloke said,
"But the is no F in cod."
And the chippy owner said,
"Thats what I've been trying to tell you!!!"
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| Posted by iRiShBaBi Smith on 14-Aug-2005 | The Boy
there was a boy, he didn't know any word
so one day his mum said go buy a bun, a bucket and a
cockerspaniel
so he went to the bakery and said can i please have a bum
and the baker said don't you mean a bun and the boy yes yes.
then he went to the super market and said can i please have a
fucket
and then the man said don,t you mean a bucket the boy yes yes.
then he went to the pet shop and said may i please and cock and
spank it and then the women said don,t you mean a cockerspaniel
the boy said yes please.
he was on the bus home and the cockerspaniel jumped out the
window and he went to bus driver and said may you please hold my
bum and fucket while i go get my cock and spank it.
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| Posted by E G on 14-Aug-2005 | Grose...You know whats grose... Seeing two vampires fight over a bloody
tampon!
You know whats groser than that... Finding a used condom at the
bottom of a mayonnaise jar...
you know whats groser than that... When you open the
refrigerator and the rump roast farts in your face.
You know whats groser than that... Siting on your grandpa's lap
when he pops a boner
You know whats even groser than that... SITTING ON YOUR
GRANDMA's LAP AND SHE POP A BONER!
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| Posted by sk8ergirl697131 on 14-Aug-2005 | 10 Fun Things To Do at the Mall1.) Get a white sweater in a very large size and tie it around
one of your friends. Have them run through people screaming, "I
SWEAR, IT'S TRUE!! TINY GREEN KNOMES STOLE MY UNDERPaNTS!!!!"
2.) Stand outside an elevator and inside a store. Run out as
fast as you can go, and if the elevator doors are open, run in
and press buttons rapidly. Then when the doors close, sigh
relaxingly. If the doors are closed, pound on them and scream,
"No, no!!!!" Then push the buttons rapidly. Have a muscular or
large friend drag you off to the bathrooms while you scream,
"No, I wont!! I wont do it!!!!! I WONT!!!!!!!"
3.) Dress yourself (If you're a male) or another male friend
head to toe in womens 'delicates'. Have them (or you) run out
of the store, saying, "They said it couldn't be done, and I did
it!! My name is forever braman!!!!"
4.) Sing made up elevator music.
5.) While wearing pajamas, sucking on your thumb, and holding a
stuffed animal closely, sit on a bed in a department store and
when someone looks funny at you, say "I had nightmares . . ."
6.) While in a department store's shoe department, have a male
try on a pair of high heels and say "Is this too manly?" to
another male friend. Talk back and forth having a 'man to man'
conversation.
7.) Bring a camera and whenever you see a slut, take pictures of
them while circling them and saying, "Yes, yes, there's the look
baby! Beautiful!! Come on, gimme a smile, there ya go!!!"
Speak in a British accent.
8.) When someone orders food from the food court, ask them,
"Wow, that smells good, where'd you get it?" Before they can
answer, pick up some and lick it. Then throw it back on their
plate and say, "Yuck! Never mind!"
9.) Ask people annonymosly, "Do you have any Grey Poupon?"
10.) While sitting near a young female on a bench, look down at
your private and poke it saying, "Crap, c'mon boy, we almost
nailed her . . ."
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| Posted by roshan on 14-Aug-2005 | Thoughts for the dayThoughts for the day
1) Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2) One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3) Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4) If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have
monkeys and apes?
5) The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where
all the bad girls live.
6) I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the
self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the
purpose.
7) Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets
aren't going as ghosts, but as mattresses?
8) Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
9) And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S"
in it?
It is not known with what weapon World War III will be fought,
but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
-- Albert Einstein
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| Posted by Enric Clive on 10-Aug-2005 | The Leper and the HookerQ. What did the Leper say to the Hooker?
A. Keep the tip.
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| Posted by Prosthetic Head on 12-Aug-2005 | ToothpickWhat do you call a woman with a toothpick up her bum?
Olive.
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| Posted by James P. Bond on 13-Aug-2005 | FireworksWhy did the firework go off?
I dont know, why?
Because someone lit the fuse! DUH!
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| Posted by Lees on 13-Aug-2005 | Indiehow do you turn indian men off?
press the red dot.
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| Posted by Nadia Issa on 14-Aug-2005 | Stepping on DucksOne day, a woman died and went to heaven. An angel met her at
the gateway to heaven and said "Welcome to heaven. Everything
here is perfect. You may do whatever you want. The only
exception is, there are ducks walking around everywhere. You may
not step on any of them, or you will be punished. After a year,
if you have not stepped on any ducks, you will be rewarded." The
woman agreed so the angel took her into heaven. She discovered a
chain linked to her wrist, though she had no idea why, but then
she realized that everyone else did, too. After awhile, the
woman began to watch other people and see what happened. She saw
a really pretty woman step on a duck because it had gotten
in her way. She saw the angel go up to the woman, talk to her,
and then chain her to an ugly man. The man said, "Wow, you are
the most beautiful woman I've ever seen." The woman said, "And
you are so ugly I can't believe I stepped on that damn duck."
After that she saw a handsome man step on a duck and swear. The
angel went over to him and talked to him. Then he walked over to
the woman and said, "You have been good, so you are going to be
rewarded." The woman was excited to see what her reward was. The
angel then took the man by his chain and hooked it to the
woman's. The woman said, "Wow, you are the hottest man I've ever
seen."
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| Posted by Shameka Moore on 14-Aug-2005 | 3 men on a desert island3 men were stuck on an island. Using their nearly dead GPS they
find out land is only 100 miles from that island. After finding
this out the GPS dies. The first guy says "Well, I guess we
could swim." So he sets off. He swims 10 miles, collapes, and
drowns. The second guy go 25 miles, collapes, and drowns. The
third guy goes 50 miles then says, "I'm getting tired, I think
I'll go back."
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| Posted by Huzzah2k on 14-Aug-2005 | Kickme signSome people say they where born with a silver spoon in thier
mouth.I think that I was born with a "Kickme sign" on my back.
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| Posted by Alan Kovacs on 14-Aug-2005 | The Road to SucksessOnce while driving down a road a man saw a ladder with a sign
reading "The Road to Sucksess" he had just been fired and it
seemed like a good idea. He got the first landing and there was
a
very pretty woman standing there. He then saw her went higher
and thought, "I bet the higher I go the hotter a woman there
will be!" So he went another story and sure enough a hotter
woman than before stood there waving to him. Now he was really
excited and climbed as fast as he could, every story having a
hotter and hotter woman. So finally he got to the finnal floor.
He looked around but the onlything he could see was a tall,
fat,hairy, smelly man, who then said, "Hi I'm Sess."
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| Posted by ann h. moose on 14-Aug-2005 | JimmyAn exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into
mischief,
finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The
boy
thought
it
over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and
keep
slamming
the door until St. Peter says, "For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come
in or stay
out!"
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| Posted by jeff on 14-Aug-2005 | The Fairy GodmotherA wife and her husband had been married for 40 years happily.
And also celbrated their sixty birthdays together. As it was
their celebration on their wdding anniversary a fairy godmother
appeared. "Since you two have not fought once through out the
whole time and loved each other faithfully I will grant each of
you one wish." The woman and man were overjoyed. The woman was
first. The fairy godmother said to choose whatever was in her
heart. "I wish...I wish......I wish that me and my husband had
a romantic vacation in Los Vegas and Miami." Then "Poof" The
tickets and passports and money were in her hand. The husband
sughed. :Pick whatever is in your heart, or in your dreams."
The fairy godmother said. The man grinned and said, "I know
what I wish for...I wish I had wife 30 years younger." And
poof. The man was 90 years old. (Don't you love fairy
godmothers?)
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| Posted by arz on 14-Aug-2005 | Poor school kid!One day little jonny came back from school and said to his mam '
Mam, all the kids at school say i have a big head!'
'U ain't got a big head son!' said his mam 'Now go and get me a
six pound of potatoes.'
'Have you got a bag?'
'Just put 'em in u'r hat!'
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| Posted by Cuto on 14-Aug-2005 | New Label Instructions!
Actual Label Instructions
On can of wet cat food:
This is not for humans!
On a Kennmore washing machine box:
Take clothes off before washing
( Dang! Kids get out of the washer! )
On a tube of toothpaste:
Best results if used on teeth.
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| Posted by XiA0bAbY on 14-Aug-2005 | No CanoeThree men get captured by cannibals on a tropical island. Before
they are stripped of their skin to make canoes out of, they are
given their choice of how to kill themselves. The first wishes
to die quickly and painlessly, and shoots himself in the head.
The second chooses to die slowly and somewhat euphoricly by
drowning, and subsequently immerses himself in the lagoon until
dead. The third, asks the tribal chief for a fork, and proceeds
to stab himself repeatedly all over. When the tribal chief askes
why he has chosen such a painful and masochistic form of death,
the condemned man replies, "There's no way you're making a
fucking canoe out of me!"
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| Posted by Chris S. Porter on 14-Aug-2005 | new carpetsA family was renevating their house and was having new carpet
put in. After the carpet was put in, the workers realized there
was a large lump in the carpet. "It must have been my
cigarettes" said one of the workers. The second took a large
hammer and pounded it down until the lump was gone. Just then,
the wife walked in and said "I found some cigarettes in the
kitchen are they yours? By the way, have you seen my son's
hamster?"
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