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| Posted by cuttaholic on 09-Aug-2005 | Can My Dog Stay?A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town, which he planned to visit on his vacation.
He wrote, "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well groomed and very well behaved.
Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls.
I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly.
And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.
Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel, and if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too!"
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| Posted by Nikki on 09-Aug-2005 | CandidatesTwo candidates for political office inadvertently scheduled simultaneous campaign rallies in the same park of a small New England town.
After a lengthy round of speeches, the candidates worked their way through the crowd - shaking hands, kissing babies and beaming mightily.
Suddenly, the skies opened and it began to rain.
One of the candidates fled to take shelter in a nearby restaurant along with half a dozen regulars.
The other candidate, however, continued to move through the crowd shaking hands, kissing babies, etc.
"That man's persistence yonder," observed one of the natives, "it sure makes it easy to know who to vote for."
"Yep," another native agreed. "I can't see myself casting a vote for a man who hasn't the good sense to come in out of the rain!"
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| Posted by Emi J. LaLa on 09-Aug-2005 | Rectal ThermometerUpon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly
this morning on the phone."
Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,
"Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm
failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with
both house and car keys inside."
"I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash
register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I
got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone was
still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash
drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of
perfume bottles on it...half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile,
the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to
answer it. It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal
thermometer. and believe me, Mister, I TOLD HER!
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| Posted by Richard Pratt on 09-Aug-2005 | Revenge on GossipsJoan, the town gossip and supervisor of the town's morals, recently accused George, a local man, of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar.
George stared at her for a moment, and said nothing.
Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.
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| Posted by David Welch on 09-Aug-2005 | New Word MeaningsThe Washington Post??™s Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some of the winners:
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high up on walls.
Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit, and the recipient who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Karmageddon: It??™s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it??™s, like, a serious bummer, man.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts only until you realize it was your money to start with.
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| Posted by Harriet Uhm on 09-Aug-2005 | Old Guys Sperm CountAn 80 year old couple decide they want kids again. They visit the doctor who suggests, since they are a little older than usual, some tests might be in order. He hands the couple a small jar and asks them to go next door and for the gentleman to fill it so they can test his sperm count.
A few minutes later the couple returns and hands back the jar. The doctor exclaims, "But it's still empty!"
The main replies, "I know. I tried with my right hand, I tried with my left hand, then I tried with both hands, and I still couldn't do it. Then my wife tried with her right hand, then her left hand, and with both hands. She tried with her teeth in and her teeth out, and we still couldn't get the lid off that jar!"
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