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| Posted by whitney on 14-Aug-2005 | Candybar & LifespanLittle Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy
bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across
from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good
for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you
fat!"
Little Johnny replied. "My grandfather lived to be 107 years
old." The man asked, "Well sonny, did your grandfather eat 6
candy bars at a time?"
Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business!"
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| Posted by Jesse Jesse on 14-Aug-2005 | PoisonDid you know that mayonnaise is one ingredient away from being
poison?
What is the ingredient, you may ask?
Poison.
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| Posted by J Man on 12-Aug-2005 | Black peopleQ.What do you call a swimming pool filled with black people?
A.Coco-Pops.
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| Posted by Alex Martin on 14-Aug-2005 | Pharmacy BanditsThree men held up the local pharmacy. They stole the entire
supply of Viagra. Police are now looking for three hardened
criminals.
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| Posted by Jeff D. Ahern on 08-Aug-2005 | Knock knock jokeKnock knock!
Who's there?
I dont know. Go answer the door.
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| Posted by Tom A. Woelky on 09-Aug-2005 | Only Six Months to L"Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news", the doctor told his anxious patient, "You only have six months to live."
The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes. Regaining his composure, he apologetically told his physician that he had no medical insurance.
"I can't possibly pay you in that time."
"OK", the doctor said, "Let's make it NINE months."
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| Posted by Jeanna M. Garloch on 14-Aug-2005 | Things To Do to kill timeFind a cure for AID's, tell no one.
Build a giant eraser by scraping pencil erasers into a shoe box.
count all of the hairs on your body.
calcutate the amount of inches from where you are to the moon,
once finished, do the same for every planet in the solar system.
construct the statue of liberty, with toothpicks.
dig a hole that you can bury a car in, using a spoon.
try gaining weight, by eating celery
Do you whole classes math homework
watch every movie ever made, in one sitting.
learn every foriegn language
ask your grandparents about their life. (try to act interested)
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| Posted by Something on 10-Aug-2005 | Mad CondomWhy did the condom fly across the room?
An It got pissed off!!!
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| Posted by Ben C. Bays on 10-Aug-2005 | What do you call a blind deer?Q: What do you call a blind deer?
A: "No-eye deer".
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| Posted by luke on 09-Aug-2005 | Best place for PackiQ: if Packeys weren't taxi driver's, where would be the next best place for them to be?
A: Face first in the bottom of the fuckin Atlantic!
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| Posted by Shea M. Lund on 12-Aug-2005 | A book never writtenAbook never written...
How to Read by: Ivana Learn
Care of Pets by: Mibird Hasdied
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| Posted by Sara Bernabeo on 09-Aug-2005 | cameraPolaroid has a new camera they call a hemaroid , takes shitty pictures and anyone can operate it.
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| Posted by I'm Angel on 08-Aug-2005 | keeping idiots busyThis cat is cat a cat good cat way cat to cat keep cat an cat idiot cat busy cat for cat 20 seconds cat.
Now read this again without the word cat.
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| Posted by Bec on 14-Aug-2005 | things to do in a hotel1) smear peanut butter all over the public restroom floor!
2)spill lemonade on the sheets, after it doesnt lQQK like
lemonade
3) Go to the fronk desk constantly asking for toilet paper
4) When a maid comes to clean your room call the front desk and
tell them that their isa phsyco at you door trying to get
in(lock the door), then give a description,ex. a middle-agd
spanish lady, with a cart, about 4'5, sayin words that seem t
be" Room Service"
5) dial random numbers saying your the police and theres a bomb
in your room, tell them to evacuate immediantly
6) clog the toilets numerious times!
7) unplug your t.v. then call room seriveand tell them your t.v.
is not working, then when they try plugging it in ask them how
to change the colors!
8) pour fish into the pool
9) pee all over the toilet seat, and the floor , and see what
the mids say!
10)go fishing in the pool( USE REAL LIVE WORMS)
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| Posted by XX2Gurly4UXX on 12-Aug-2005 | Spongebob jokewhy do you think Mr.Crabs let spongebob do all the cookin?
Because he would come in handy for cleanin after all these years of hard work!
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| Posted by sexy bugger on 14-Aug-2005 | Congratulate Me!A woman is in the shower. Suddenly the doorbell rang. She puts
on her bathrobe and goes to answer it. A doctor is their.
"Congratulate me!" he says. "I just got a letter saying I'm a
great doctor. The lady slammed the door in his face and goes
back to the shower. The doorbell rang. It was a college
student. "Congratulate me." he said. "I just got my diploma."
She slammed the door in his face. She goes back into the
shower. Knowing that the only guy left on her blockis the blind
man, she doesn't bother to put on her bathrobe. She goes to the
door and sees the blind man. "Congratulate me." he said. "I
just got my eyesight back!"
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| Posted by Dan Berkowitz on 09-Aug-2005 | Murphy's Laws /Murphys 1st Law: If anything can go wrong, it will Murphys 2nd Law: Nothing is as easy as it looks Murphys 3rd Law: Everything takes longer than you think Murphys 4th Law: If theres a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will. Murphys 5th Law: Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first Murphys 6th Law: Every solution breeds a new problem Murphys 7th Law: Its immposible to make something foolproof as fools are so ingenious. Murphys 8th Law: Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. Murphys 9th Law: Left to themselves things tend to go from bad to worse Murphys 10th Law: When things just cant get any worse, they will
O'Toole's Law: Murphy was an opptomist.
Forsythes Corollary to Murphys Law: Just when you see the light at the end of the tunnel, the roof caves in.
The Unspeakable Law: As soon as you mention something if its good it will go away, if it is bad it wil happen
Non-Reciprocal Law of Expectations: Negative expectations yield negative results, positive expectations yield negative results
Etorres Observation: The other queue always moves faster
Barths Distinction: There are two types of people. Those who divide people into 2 types of people, and those who dont.
Segals Law: A man with 1 watch always knows what time it is, a man with 2 is never sure
Fabers 4th Law: Nessesity is the mother of strange bedfellows
Simons Law: Everything put together sooner or later falls apart
Scotts 1st Law: No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right Scotts 2nd Law: When an error has been detected and corrected it will be found to have been correct in the first place
Finagles Law: Once a job has been fowled up, almost everything done to improve it only makes it worse.
Buggings Law: A man that can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on
Gumpersons Law: The probability of anything happening is the inverse of its desirability
Stockmayers Law: If it looks easy it is tough, if it looks tough it is immposible
Hofstadters Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadters law into account
Any horse which has won all of its races will lose as soon as you bet on it
Agnes Allens Law: Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.
Andersons Law: I have yet to see any problems however complicated which, when you looked at it the right way didnt become more complicated
Borens guidlines for bureacracy: When in charge, ponder; when in trouble, delegate; when in doubt, mumble
Corcorans Law: All papers that you keep will never be needed until you dispose of them, when they become essential
Jonses Law: Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate
Johnsons Law of Car Repair: Any tool dropped while repairing a car will role under the vehicle to the exact geographical center
Wolfs Law: Those who dont study the past will repeat its errors, those who do study it will find new ones.
Also contrary to other thoughts Coles Law is not a life law at all, it is slices cabbage.
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| Posted by Leah Pavo on 09-Aug-2005 | what is it?Q. There's one in every corner and two in every room. What is it?
A. O
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| Posted by unknow on 04-Oct-2005 | blonedBlond (B1) is walking in the forest and comes to a lake. She wants to cross the lake so she looks around ans see another blond (B2) on the other side so the B1 goes:
Hey, how do I get to the other side?
B2 You are on the other side!
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| Posted by Rachel E. Winograd on 14-Aug-2005 | responsibility lectureThere was a family of 3 generations all living in separate
homes: The Father and mother [age 66 and 70]
The Oldest Son and his wife and two childeren [a son-15 and a
daughter-10]
&The youngest daughter and her husband and two children [a
daughter-12 and a son-8]
It was summer holidays for the children and the parents were all
working, so, just to let the kids play they decided to leave
them all at their grandparents [just a reminder aged 66 and 70]
for thursday and friday every week until they had stopped the
working year and gone on holidays.
The children knew that their grandparents were over protective,
and also liked to chat a lot. So when the first day came, they
sat themselves down on the couch to watch some TV.
"NO NO NO! you cant just sit in front of the TV all day, you
have to go outside FIRST just for a little bit." lectured the
grandmother.
the grandfather had left just a few minutes earlier and wouldnt
have objected to TV, it was peace and quiet for him.
So the kids went outside to find something to do. Andrew, the
oldest son of the oldest son, was bored and didnt want to play
anything, so he sat down and read a book. The other 3 had a
water fight with water pistols and water bombs and everything!
When the grandmother came out, she cracked a fit and let them
all watch TV.
Just a few minutes later, the grandmother returned and said to
Andrew, the oldest,
"Now Andrew, you've got 3 children in your hands now!"
"oh Gosh!" exclaims Andrew.
"Because im going out and you HAVE to be responsible!"
"Yeah whatever"
"WHATEVER!??!?!?! its not just WHATEVER, its 3 children, YOU
have to be responsible for them, you're nearly 16!"
"and ill be driving soon, away, FAR away."
"You should learn to be responsible!"
any way this continues for about another hour and finally when
the grandmother is satisfyed that Andrew will be responsible,
she ends it:
"fine, im going now."
"Grandma, where are you going?"asks the youngest one.
"To the letter box, to check the mail."
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| Posted by cory a. HOGAN on 14-Aug-2005 | doctorA doctor was delivering a baby and when the baby comes out he
drops it on the ground. The mother says what in the hell are you
doing? He then picks up the baby and throws it againts the wall.
He runs acrost the room and picks it up and drop kicks it. Then
finally he picks it up by the legs and spikes it on its head.
The whole time the mother is going ape shit saying what the hell
are you doing to my baby boy? Oh, the doctor says, dont worry it
was already dead.
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| Posted by devil dawg 50 on 14-Aug-2005 | Man on toiletQ:What do you call someone standing on top of a toilet?
A:High on Pot
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| Posted by Scott D. Willson on 14-Aug-2005 | No CodA man went into a fish shop and said
"Can I have some cod please?"
The shop owner replied,
"We dont have any cod"
So the man said ok then asked,
"Can I have some cod?"
The chippy owner told him again that there was no cod. So the
man said,
"OK... can I have some cod?"
At this the chip shop owner got really pissed off and said,
"Look mate we have no cod C-O-F-D, cod" the bloke said,
"But the is no F in cod."
And the chippy owner said,
"Thats what I've been trying to tell you!!!"
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| Posted by iRiShBaBi Smith on 14-Aug-2005 | The Boy
there was a boy, he didn't know any word
so one day his mum said go buy a bun, a bucket and a
cockerspaniel
so he went to the bakery and said can i please have a bum
and the baker said don't you mean a bun and the boy yes yes.
then he went to the super market and said can i please have a
fucket
and then the man said don,t you mean a bucket the boy yes yes.
then he went to the pet shop and said may i please and cock and
spank it and then the women said don,t you mean a cockerspaniel
the boy said yes please.
he was on the bus home and the cockerspaniel jumped out the
window and he went to bus driver and said may you please hold my
bum and fucket while i go get my cock and spank it.
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| Posted by E G on 14-Aug-2005 | Grose...You know whats grose... Seeing two vampires fight over a bloody
tampon!
You know whats groser than that... Finding a used condom at the
bottom of a mayonnaise jar...
you know whats groser than that... When you open the
refrigerator and the rump roast farts in your face.
You know whats groser than that... Siting on your grandpa's lap
when he pops a boner
You know whats even groser than that... SITTING ON YOUR
GRANDMA's LAP AND SHE POP A BONER!
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| Posted by sk8ergirl697131 on 14-Aug-2005 | 10 Fun Things To Do at the Mall1.) Get a white sweater in a very large size and tie it around
one of your friends. Have them run through people screaming, "I
SWEAR, IT'S TRUE!! TINY GREEN KNOMES STOLE MY UNDERPaNTS!!!!"
2.) Stand outside an elevator and inside a store. Run out as
fast as you can go, and if the elevator doors are open, run in
and press buttons rapidly. Then when the doors close, sigh
relaxingly. If the doors are closed, pound on them and scream,
"No, no!!!!" Then push the buttons rapidly. Have a muscular or
large friend drag you off to the bathrooms while you scream,
"No, I wont!! I wont do it!!!!! I WONT!!!!!!!"
3.) Dress yourself (If you're a male) or another male friend
head to toe in womens 'delicates'. Have them (or you) run out
of the store, saying, "They said it couldn't be done, and I did
it!! My name is forever braman!!!!"
4.) Sing made up elevator music.
5.) While wearing pajamas, sucking on your thumb, and holding a
stuffed animal closely, sit on a bed in a department store and
when someone looks funny at you, say "I had nightmares . . ."
6.) While in a department store's shoe department, have a male
try on a pair of high heels and say "Is this too manly?" to
another male friend. Talk back and forth having a 'man to man'
conversation.
7.) Bring a camera and whenever you see a slut, take pictures of
them while circling them and saying, "Yes, yes, there's the look
baby! Beautiful!! Come on, gimme a smile, there ya go!!!"
Speak in a British accent.
8.) When someone orders food from the food court, ask them,
"Wow, that smells good, where'd you get it?" Before they can
answer, pick up some and lick it. Then throw it back on their
plate and say, "Yuck! Never mind!"
9.) Ask people annonymosly, "Do you have any Grey Poupon?"
10.) While sitting near a young female on a bench, look down at
your private and poke it saying, "Crap, c'mon boy, we almost
nailed her . . ."
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| Posted by roshan on 14-Aug-2005 | Thoughts for the dayThoughts for the day
1) Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2) One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3) Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4) If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have
monkeys and apes?
5) The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where
all the bad girls live.
6) I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the
self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the
purpose.
7) Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets
aren't going as ghosts, but as mattresses?
8) Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
9) And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S"
in it?
It is not known with what weapon World War III will be fought,
but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
-- Albert Einstein
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| Posted by Enric Clive on 10-Aug-2005 | The Leper and the HookerQ. What did the Leper say to the Hooker?
A. Keep the tip.
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| Posted by Prosthetic Head on 12-Aug-2005 | ToothpickWhat do you call a woman with a toothpick up her bum?
Olive.
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| Posted by James P. Bond on 13-Aug-2005 | FireworksWhy did the firework go off?
I dont know, why?
Because someone lit the fuse! DUH!
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