|
|
 |
|
 |
 |
| Posted by kakyok on 09-Aug-2005 | Captain HookHow did captain hook die?
He wiped his ass with the wrong hand!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
| Posted by J S. M on 09-Aug-2005 | How to be cheapWorried that his son was spending too much money on dates, a father asked the boy how much his last date had cost.
The son thought for a minute and then replied, "Oh, about $15 I think."
"Well," said the father, "I'm proud of you for finally coming up with an inexpensive evening."
"To be honest dad," the son went on, "we'd have spent more, but that was all the money she had."
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Claire M. Ulrich on 09-Aug-2005 | Read it on the netI was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M's (sent to me because I forwarded an e-mail to five other people, celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is "MM" in Roman numerals), when I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken (which is predictable, since as everyone knows, there's no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government made them change their name to KFC).
Anyway, one day this guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over and when he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEY HAD BEEN STOLEN. He saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an email entitled "Join the crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true - I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)
The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked him to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the guy's expense.
Then reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital - the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives.
I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good luck but for 10 people only you will only have OK luck and if you send it to fewer than10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS).
So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.
Send THIS to all the friends who send you their junk mail and you will receive 4 green M&Ms -- if you don't, the owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck: you will get sick from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo, your spouse/mate will develop a skin rash from using the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your arms, and the U.S. government will put a tax on your e-mails forever.
I know this is all true because I read it on the Internet!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Amanda S. Lonick on 09-Aug-2005 | Above a manWhen is a woman above a man?
When the kitchen is upstairs!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Joshua R. Cameron on 09-Aug-2005 | Behaviorist solutionJoe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed.
It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep.
Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different.
A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful.
"Doc!" Joe says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!"
"That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "you seem to be doing much better. How?"
"I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!"
"One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.
"Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist."
"A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?"
"Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by bob bob on 09-Aug-2005 | Tommy the tomcatTired of having to stare at the luscious young kitten on the other side of the fence, bold Tommy Tomcat decided to visit her.
Settling back on his haunches, he gave a mighty leap and landed on the other side. Impressed, the lovely cat sauntered over.
"That was quite a leap," she remarked. "Want to go somewhere and cuddle?
"Fraid not," said Tommy, a pained expression on his face. "The fence was higher than I thought."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
