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| Posted by Max Willman on 14-Aug-2005 | Christmas Carol ParrotOne Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop
looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop
owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous
Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I
get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a
lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's
reply. The shop owner Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle
Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the
parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was
filled with: " Silent Night. Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and
ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When
the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. "How beautiful!" She
exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "But he
can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his
lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper
had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle
Bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot,
and out came: "Silent Night. Holy Night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if
we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know.
"Let's try it." He answered, eager to please his wife. So they
held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face,
cleared his throat, the little parrot sang out loudly (like it
was the performance of his life): "Chet's nuts roasting on an
open fire...."
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| Posted by emily n on 14-Aug-2005 | Bitchs and Basterds There once was a little boy. His parents always are arguing
calling each other bitchs and basterds. One day, the little boy
asks what this meens. The parents answer, "well, it means, uh,
ladies and gentlemen". So, the little boy goes upstairs and
walks in on his grandparents having sex. He hears," give me your
boobs and give me your balls", from his grandparents. He asks
them, "what does that mean?", "uh, hats and coats", they
answered. So, the little boy makes his way down the stairs and
hears his mum mutter "fuck!". He walks in to the kitchen to find
her cutting the turkey. He asks, " what does that mean?". His
mom answers,"um, well, preparing the turkey". So, he goes
upstairs and hears his dad scream shit!!. So, he asks his dad
what that means. He anwers,"well, it's shaving cream".
"DING DONG", the little boy runs downstairs to greet the
guests for thanksgiving dinner. He anwers the door," Hello
bitches and basterds, give me your boobs and balls". The guests
are very offended and ask him where his parents are. "My moms in
the kitchen fucking the turkey, and my dad is upstairs putting
shit on his face", he answers.
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| Posted by stephan o. brion on 14-Aug-2005 | Thanksgiving QuotesTHINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING, BUT AREN'T...
"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"
"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."
"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."
"Talk about a huge breast!"
"It's Cool Whip time!"
"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"
"Are you ready for seconds yet?"
"Are you going to come again next time?"
"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"
"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"
"Don't play with your meat."
"Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."
"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"
"You still have a little bit on your chin."
"How long will it take after you stick it in?"
"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."
"How many are coming?"
"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"
"How long do I beat it before it's ready?"
"It must be broken 'cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out."
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| Posted by Nicki on 14-Aug-2005 | Is there a Santa Claus?Is there a Santa Claus?
As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help
from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) -
I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of
living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects
and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only
Santa has ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world.
BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and
Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total -
378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average
(census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes.
One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different
time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west
(which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is
to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has
1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney,
fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat
whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the
sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these
91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth
(which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our
calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per
household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do
what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding
and etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000
times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made
vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per
second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element.
Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set
(2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who
is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can
pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer"
(see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the
job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases
the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons.
Again, for comparison--this is four times the weight of the
Queen Elizabeth.
5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air
resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as
spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer
will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short,
they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer
behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake.
The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a
second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces
17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa
(which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh
by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve,
he's dead now.
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| Posted by funny he bitch on 09-Aug-2005 | 'Twas the Night before FinalsT'was the night before finals,
And all through the college,
The students were praying
For last minute knowledge.
Most were quite sleepy,
But none touched their beds,
While visions of essays
Danced in their heads.
Out in the taverns,
A few were still drinking,
And hoping that liquor
Would get their brains thinking.
In my own apartment,
I had been pacing,
Dreading all those exams
I soon would be facing.
My roommate was speechless,
His nose in his books,
And my comments to him
Drew unfriendly looks.
I drained all the coffee,
And brewed a new pot,
No longer caring
That my nerves were shot.
I stared at my notes,
But my thoughts were all muddy,
My eyes went a'blur,
I just couldn't study.
"Some pizza might help,"
I said with a shiver,
But each place I called
Refused to deliver.
I'd pretty much concluded
Life is unfair and cruel,
Since our futures all depend
On grades made in school.
When all of a sudden,
Our door opened wide,
And Patron Saint Put-It-Off
Ambled inside.
Her spirit was careless,
Her manner was mellow,
She looked at the mess
And started to bellow:
"Why should us students
Make such a fuss,
About what those teachers
Toss out to us?"
"On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes!
On Last Year's Exams!
On Wingit and Slingit,
And Last Minute Crams!"
Her message delivered,
She vanished from sight,
But we heard her laughing
Outside in the night.
"Your teachers won't flunk you,
So just do your best.
Happy Finals to All,
And to All, a good test."
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| Posted by Dopie on 09-Aug-2005 | The Chinese pay off all of their debtsJones: "The chinese make it an invariable rule to settle all their debts on New Years Day."
Smith: "So I understand, but, then again, the Chinese don't have a Christmas the week before."
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