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| Posted by MindYerBeak on 14-Aug-2005 | Christmas Jokes!As a little boy climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual,"And what would you like for Christmas?" The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, "Didn't you get my E-mail?"
Q: What's red and white and falls down the chimney?
A: Santa Klutz!!!!
Q: If athletes get athlete's foot, then what do astronauts get?
A: Missile toe.
Q: Why is it so cold at Christmas?
A: It?s in Decembrrrrr.
Q: What do elves learn in school?
A: The Elf-abet!
Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
A: North Polish.
Q: Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
A: He wanted to sleep like a log.
Q: Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
A: Because every buck is dear to him.
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| Posted by Dick Day on 14-Aug-2005 | Top 10 Halloween Things that Sound Dirty but Aren't10. She's a goblin!
9. I'd like to get a little something in the sack.
8. Let me see your bag....OH!-You're having a great night!
7. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.
6. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch
5. If you just lick it, it'll last longer.
4. Show me your JuJuBees and I'll let you see my Zagnuts.
3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth
2. You scared me stiff!
1. He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!
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| Posted by Joe Mom on 14-Aug-2005 | Top 10 Resolutions you won't keep next year10. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk..
9. I will stop sending email to my roommate.
8. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.
7. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer my email.
6. When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.
5. I will stay on the computer as long as I want. What? OK, dear... I'm coming. Never mind.
4. No more downloads from alt.binaries.*
3. I resolve to back up my new 1GB hard drive daily... well, once a week... monthly, perhaps...
2. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Net.
1. I won't try to get onto the Netscape ftp site as soon as a new Navigator beta comes out.
0. When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I won't reply "MS Tech Support."
-1. I will read the manual.
-2. I will think of a password other than "password."
-3. I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.
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| Posted by Patty M on 14-Aug-2005 | Top 10 Signs Your Mall has a Bad Santa10. Instead of saying, "Ho-Ho-Ho," he hollers "Oy vey!"
9. He asks the mothers if they want to sit on his lap.
8. Resume includes appearing as Santa in "Naughty, Naughty Girls."
7. You recognize him as a former NFL star doing Community Service hours.
6. He complains that the food court has no whiskey.
5. He refers to the wishing fountain as his "tip jar."
4. He won't talk to the kids without conferring with his lawyer.
3. He asks the kids to leave him milk and crack.
2. He Replaces Joe Camel as the new Camel cigarettes spokesman.
1. Before the kids sit on his lap he orders the elves to frisk them.
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| Posted by Sam ze Chef on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Disclaimers Found on Toy Boxes (Part I)[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
15> Use as a marital aid nullifies warranty.
14> Warning: This fad will disappear in 6 weeks.
13> Uranium-236 not included.
12> As with real appliances, this thing *will* burn your careless ass.
11> Some dismemberment may occur.
10> Do not purchase this toy at all. Put it back on the shelf! NOW!! Just walk away, timid little man.
9> Harmful if swallowed with massive quantities of vodka.
8> No disrespect intended.
7> Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously.
6> Use as an actual terrorist device not recommended.
5> NOTE: The makers of "Queen Amidala's Naboo Dream Palace" assume no responsibility for the quality of the movie which spawned it.
4> Some assimilation required. Resistance is futile.
3> Manufacturer not responsible for accidents involving EZ-Bake Oven and Suicide-Watch Barbie.
2> Caution: "Mack Daddy Ken" is anatomically exaggerated and may excite or frighten little girls and create self esteem problems in little boys.
1> Do not place Captain Viagra within 5"-7" of an open flame.
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| Posted by Chula1010 on 13-Aug-2005 | Barbie is PissedDear Santa:
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here by next Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list for 1997:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man...maybe G.I. Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.
6. A jogging bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec!
8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years - I think I deserve it.
Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.
Yours truly -- Barbie
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| Posted by todd pernerowski on 13-Aug-2005 | Female ReindeerWhere do the female reindeer go when Santa and his male reindeer go do the Christmas run ?
They go into town and blow a few bucks !!!
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| Posted by Thomas Flask on 13-Aug-2005 | A Vader ChristmasDarth Vader and Luke Skywalker face each other. With light sabers drawn about to commence an almighty battle of good over evil. Suddenly, in the middle of fight Vader pulls Skywalker to him and whispers: "I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GETTING FOR CHRISTMAS, LUKE. IT'S TRUE, LUKE, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GETTING FOR CHRISTMAS!"
Skywalker tried to ignore this but couldn't in the end. He wrenched himself free and yells "How can you know this!?!"
Vader replied "I FELT YOUR PRESENTS..."
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| Posted by Jason C. Johnson on 14-Aug-2005 | Christmas ParrotOne day, shortly before Christmas, a man was shopping for a gift for his children, and went into a pet store. The owner showed the man the usual array of pets, puppies, kittens, hamsters, etc., but the man said he was looking for something a little more unique.
The owner said, "I might have what you are looking for!", and took the man into the back room, where a bedraggled looking parrot sat on a perch. "This is Chet. He is a perfect Christmas pet, because he sings Christmas songs."
The owner took a Bic lighter out of his pocket, lit it, and held it under Chet's right wing just far enough away to keep from singing the parrot's feathers. Immediately Chet began to sing, "Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way."
Then the owner held the lighter under Chet's left wing, and the squawky sound of "Silent night. Holy night" poured out of Chet's beak. The man bought the parrot on the spot, and took him home.
His children were gone when he got home, so he decided to check out Chet' talent for himself, just to make sure he hadn't been tricked. He lit a match, held it under Chet's right wing, and sure enough the bird began singing "Jingle bells.", just like before. Moving the match under Chet's left wing produced the same results as in the pet store. "Silent Night."
Being of a curious nature, the man decided to hold the match between Chet's legs to see what would happen. Immediately the parrot began to sing, "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire.
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| Posted by Leland W. Hack on 14-Aug-2005 | Top Ten Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Kid - Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"
- Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes
- Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling
- By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam peanuts
- Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.
- Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the dork list
- Sends him off on one of them Carnival Cruises with Kathie Lee
- First words when kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my beard and I'll put the hurt on you."
- Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown."
- Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"
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| Posted by Samantha Prahl on 14-Aug-2005 | Snow Shoveling DiaryDecember 8: 6:00 PM.
Hi. My wife and I just moved here from San Diego just this fall where I have lived since I was a 6-year-old kid. I was born in Toronto but we haven't been back since my childhood. I have fond memories of my early years, playing in the snow. Well guess what, this evening it started to snow. It's the first snow of the season. My beautiful wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. The light, fluffy translucent flakes shimmered in the glow of the streetlight as they floated down to earth. Millions of microscopic diamonds shimmered on the frozen streetscape. God, it looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic, we cuddled together under a blanket by the bay window while we toasted our love with a bottle of Dom. I swear she looked eighteen again in the soft light reflecting in from the snow surface. We felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a lovelier place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. I ran outside and immediately fell to my knees, giggling as the fluffy white clouds flew up around me. I giggled with the joy of a 3-year-old. It was like being a child again. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like reborn. Did both our driveway and the sidewalks and then in a display of community friendship, I hopped over to my neighbour Bob's house and did his driveway and walk too. Bob was so happy, he just couldn't stop smiling and waving as he cheered me on from his front window. When all was done I collapsed in a giggling exhausted heap on my front lawn. A snowflake landed on the end of my nose. Ah, this is great! This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. Aren't some times in your life simply magical!
December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor Bob tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I laughed and looked down as I demurely shook my head. Bob is a blue-collar guy you see and I just don't think these guys appreciate the inner beauty of nature. I replied that I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man though. I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14:
Snow, lovely snow! It started out as -8 last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so in the evening light. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. What a great way to condition your body, forget the gym! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15:
Jeez, 20 inches forecast. Getting serious now! Sold my Lexus and bought a Lincoln Navigator. Bought snow tires for the wife's Infiniti and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer and bought some Naphtha to power my Coleman stove. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. That's silly, she's been watching a little too much TV. We aren't in Siberia after all, are we?
December 16:
Ice storms this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Could barely move. Had to slither back to the house on my belly like a snake. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour. I think that was very cruel and told her so!
December 17:
Still way below freezing. More freezing rain coming. No way I'm going to lay salt down. Let the postman fall on his ass. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but I won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room!
December 20:
Finally, electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. Shoveled like a son-of-a-bitch. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. I smiled and waved at the driver as soon as I saw him coming down the street. I figured he would back the plow off a bit, reverse and clear a little more of the snow but the driver didn't seem to notice. In fact I swear the gum-chewing creep smiled at me as I stood there helplessly with my shovel watching the 5 foot wall of snow and ice thrown up on my driveway. Tried to find a neighbors kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. Well, I think they're lying! Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower. The guy laughed and told me they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think he's lying! Bob says I have to shovel or the city will come around, do it and bill me. I think he's lying!
December 22:
Woke up to the sound of a city bobcat plowing my sidewalk. Wow this is great I thought. Just as I was about to email the mayor with kudos, a knock came at the door. When I opened it a Works department man held out a citation for $250.00 for not shoveling my walk. If I don't pay the city will apply it to my taxes. I cursed to the heavens as I slammed the door on the scumbag. Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Remembered the scumbag from the city and immediately became motivated. Saw Bob outside tuning up his Dodge Ram Supercab Diesel 4x4 truck with the huge snow plow on the front. Tried to hire Bob for the rest of the winter. He says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying!
December 23:
Only 8 inches of snow fell today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she...fu*$#( god*#$ nuts??? Why the hell didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I know she's damn well lying!
December 24:
Light fall of 6 inches. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, the shovel broke. Hacked away at the ice dam for 2 hours. Suddenly I collapsed on the ground with pains shooting through my arm and back. Thought I was having a heart attack. Doctor said I have pulled my back. Prescribed Tylenol IIIs and Demerol. Tossed and turned in the livingroom chair all night. Lying down on the bed is impossible. If I ever catch the grinning son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. The bastard hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling. When he sees me walking in he guns it down the street at a 100 miles an hour piling snow in the scoop knowing that when he turns the gentle curve in front of my house, it is all going to come off in front of my driveway. The bastard! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents. The woman must be fu*$^%!&g crazy. I keep looking out the window watching for the goddamn snowplow.
December 25:
Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the fu&$#*&g slop tonight. Snowed in again. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! The snowplow driver destroyed my driveway but then had the nerve to stop and ask for a donation. What luck. I planted him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a stupid idiot. If I have to watch -It's a Wonderful Life- one more time I'm going to kick her ass out into the snow!.
December 26:
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves. She wants to go to the Boxing Day sales but is pissed cause she can't get the car out of the garage. "Why don't you clear the snow off the driveway so its clear like Bob's", she asks me. "Bobs got a fu#%& snow plow on his tank of a truck you slut" I scream back. Why the hell doesn't she get off of her ass and get outside shoveling. Lazy bitch!
December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes at the front of the house along the garage froze. Used a propane torch to heat the pipe up, ended up starting a fire in the insulation. Managed to barely put it out with my extinguisher but the fire department showed up, probably alerted by Bob. Over my protests they insisted on spraying it with their big fire hoses, told me it was for insurance purposes. The water damage destroyed my furnace. Everything in the basement froze after. The Gas Company tells me they can't get someone over until tomorrow. The temperature is still dropping in the house. I lifted the back lid off of the toilet and scooped up the last remnants of fresh water we'll have until the furnace is fixed. Didn't tell my bitchy wife where it came from as I poured her a glass to make sure it was all right!
December 28:
Warmed up to above -21. Still snowed in. Furnace had to be replaced as well as the water heater. The bill was over $4000.00. Had to put it on my Visa since the Bitch racked the Mastercard up over Christmas. The Bitch seems to be oblivious to all of this, constantly whining, "When is the heat coming back on?" "When is the driveway going to be cleared?" "Why can't you fix things instead of constantly watching TV, you're so useless!" The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
December 29:
10 more inches. That prick Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave-in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. I bet he wants to laugh at me as I flail around on the roof looking like a complete ass to the other neighbours. Probably fall twenty feet onto my ass. Ha! How dumb does he think I am?
December 30:
Roof caved in. Insurance Company called to tell me that they aren't paying the 15 grand for the repairs. It seems I didn't "mitigate" damages by breaking my ass shoveling the roof of my house. While I was on the phone a knock came on the door. Opened it to a Police officer. Immediately placed under arrest and taken to the station. Charged with assault for klunking the snowplow operator. It turns out the snowplow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The Bitch came down to bail me out. I couldn't listen to her incessant bitching any more. Stopped the car, opened the door and kicked her out. The Bitch went home to her mother. Another 9 inches predicted.
December 31:
Set fire to what's left of the house. Such a beautiful glorious flame arcing to the night sky. No more shoveling! Bob's house caught too. Even better.
January 8:
Got a cell mate today. A big, mean looking con with a pink triangle tatooed on his bicep. Guard told me his name is Bubba and that we should take some time to get to know each other real well...Bubba smiled. I wonder what he means by that?
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| Posted by Lauren L on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Disclaimers Found on Toy Boxes (Part II)15> No beanies or babies harmed in the manufacture of this product.
14> For children ages 4-10, or really wasted adults.
13> Not to be confused with "Poke You Man" by Adult Inflatable Products, Ltd.
12> Caution: Care Bears do not actually care very much.
11> Warning: This toy produces substantially less childish glee in real life than it does in the TV commercial.
10> Failure to fall immediately to your knees in gratitude and eternally thank parents for shelling out $400 and waiting in line behind a smelly woman from Jersey City for two hours to *get* your Sega Dreamcast -- especially when you've already got a Playstation and a box full of games that are now headed for the next garage sale -- may result in bodily injury.
9> Syringe and vaccine sold separately.
8> Do not stare at product. Hey! You're doing it now! Cut that out!!
7> In case of breakage, scream until dad buys a replacement.
6> Do not attempt to combine your Ultra Mega Warrior with your cat to make Ultra Mega Cat Warrior.
5> For eternal use only.
4> For best results, consume hard liquor prior to assembly.
3> Talk to your doctor before using Xenical Barbie. Xenical Barbie not intended for children less than 20% above their ideal weight. Discontinue use if oily leakage occurs.
2> Replacement blades and toes not included.
1> Warning: Although technically a game, Parcheesi sucks.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by brittany l. fint on 14-Aug-2005 | Walkin' in a Doggie WonderlandDog tags ring, are you listening'?
In the lane, snow is glistening'.
It's yellow, NOT white, I've been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.
Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
It's a sign for wandering vagrants;
"Avoid where I pee, it's MY pro-per-ty!
Marked up as my winter wonderland."
In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
Following the classical design.
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go Man,
So all the world will know that it's Mine-mine--mine!
Straight from me to the fence post,
Flows my natural incense boast;
"Stay off my TURF, this small piece of earth,
I marked it as my winter wonderland."
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| Posted by Lindsay Drue Whitley on 14-Aug-2005 | Scaring the Cashiers at HalloweenIf you really want to scare the cashiers at your local supermarket for Halloween, go to the store and purchase a large bag of apples and a box of razor blades.
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| Posted by tinmil on 09-Aug-2005 | A man forgot to buy turkey for ThanksgivingIt's the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door.
"Please let me in," says the man desperately. "I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one."
"Okay," says the butcher. "Let me see what I have left." He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.
"That's one is too skinny. What else you got?" says the man.
The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man.
"Oh, no," says the man, "That one doesn't look any better. You better give me both of them!"
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| Posted by Freak in snow on 09-Aug-2005 | Question and answer Christmas jokeQ: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
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| Posted by Rebecca j. Mallett on 09-Aug-2005 | Enter the Pearly GatesThree men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
Answer... "They're Carol's."
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| Posted by Kenny Ross on 09-Aug-2005 | The twelve days after ChristmasThe first day after Christmas
My true love and I had a fight
And so I chopped the pear tree down
And burnt it, just for spite
Then with a single cartridge
I shot that blasted partridge
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.
The second day after Christmas
I pulled on the old rubber gloves
And very gently wrung the necks
Of both the turtle doves
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.
On the third day after Christmas
My mother caught the croup
I had to use the three French hens
To make some chicken soup
The four calling birds were a big mistake For their language was obscene
The five golden rings were completely fake and turned my fingers green.
The sixth day after Christmas
The six laying geese wouldn't lay
So I sent the whole darn gaggle to the
A.S.P.C.A.
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.
On the seventh day, what a mess I found The seven swans-a-swimming all had drowned.
The eighth day after Christmas
Before they could suspect
I bundled up the
Eight maids-a-milking
Nine ladies dancing
Ten lords-a-leaping
Eleven pipers piping
Twelve drummers drumming
And sent them back collect
I wrote my true love
"We are through, love!"
And I said in so many words
"Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the Birds!"
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves
And a partridge in a pear tree!"
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| Posted by Micah Bluming on 09-Aug-2005 | Question and answer Christmas jokeQ: How does Al Gore's household keep Christmas politically correct?
A: On Christmas morning, they give the presents TO the tree.
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| Posted by Miss Khris on 09-Aug-2005 | Question and answer Christmas jokeQ: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
A: Okay everyone, sack time!!
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| Posted by Joe Fallica on 09-Aug-2005 | Question and answer Christmas jokeQ: What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
A: It was wound up already.
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| Posted by Natassia Hogenbirk on 09-Aug-2005 | Question and answer Christmas jokeQ: What do elves learn in school?
A: The Elf-abet!
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| Posted by Lori M. C on 09-Aug-2005 | The football-playing turkeyThe pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.
Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus."
"Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"
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| Posted by sexy bugger on 09-Aug-2005 | Ways to confuse Santa Claus8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :("
11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
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| Posted by Samuel P. Wilson on 09-Aug-2005 | I just had a dream about itA young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".
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| Posted by Georgie Wellington on 14-Aug-2005 | Angels atop the christmas tree traditionIt was a starry night and the snowflakes drifted down gently.
The snowcrust sparkled in the lamplight at the North Pole.
Sleigh bells jingled in the distance. It was supposed to be a
happy time, but it wasn't.
Santa was really pissed off. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING
was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the Christmas
cookies. The elves were bitching about not getting paid for the
overtime they had put in while making toys. And to top it all
off, the reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were
completely useless. They had taken the sleigh out for a spin
earlier in the day and crashed it into a tree, breaking off one
of the runners. They were still stumbling around outside,
giggling and shaking their sleigh bells. Santa was redder than
usual with anger. He drank another slug of scotch, and then
bellowed, "I CAN'T believe it! I've got to deliver millions of
presents all over the world in just a few hours from now and all
my reindeer are drunk, my elves are on strike and I don't even
have a Christmas tree! AND I sent that stupid little angel out
HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What the
HELL am I going to do?"
Just at that moment, the little angel opened the front door and
stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree
behind him. He said, "Yo, Santa, where do you want me to stick
the Christmas Tree this year?" And thus the tradition of angels
perched atop the Christmas trees came to pass.
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| Posted by Nicki on 14-Aug-2005 | Is there a Santa Claus?Is there a Santa Claus?
As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help
from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) -
I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of
living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects
and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only
Santa has ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world.
BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and
Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total -
378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average
(census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes.
One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different
time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west
(which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is
to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has
1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney,
fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat
whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the
sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these
91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth
(which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our
calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per
household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do
what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding
and etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000
times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made
vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per
second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element.
Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set
(2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who
is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can
pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer"
(see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the
job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases
the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons.
Again, for comparison--this is four times the weight of the
Queen Elizabeth.
5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air
resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as
spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer
will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short,
they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer
behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake.
The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a
second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces
17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa
(which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh
by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve,
he's dead now.
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| Posted by stephan o. brion on 14-Aug-2005 | Thanksgiving QuotesTHINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING, BUT AREN'T...
"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"
"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."
"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."
"Talk about a huge breast!"
"It's Cool Whip time!"
"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"
"Are you ready for seconds yet?"
"Are you going to come again next time?"
"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"
"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"
"Don't play with your meat."
"Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."
"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"
"You still have a little bit on your chin."
"How long will it take after you stick it in?"
"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."
"How many are coming?"
"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"
"How long do I beat it before it's ready?"
"It must be broken 'cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out."
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| Posted by emily n on 14-Aug-2005 | Bitchs and Basterds There once was a little boy. His parents always are arguing
calling each other bitchs and basterds. One day, the little boy
asks what this meens. The parents answer, "well, it means, uh,
ladies and gentlemen". So, the little boy goes upstairs and
walks in on his grandparents having sex. He hears," give me your
boobs and give me your balls", from his grandparents. He asks
them, "what does that mean?", "uh, hats and coats", they
answered. So, the little boy makes his way down the stairs and
hears his mum mutter "fuck!". He walks in to the kitchen to find
her cutting the turkey. He asks, " what does that mean?". His
mom answers,"um, well, preparing the turkey". So, he goes
upstairs and hears his dad scream shit!!. So, he asks his dad
what that means. He anwers,"well, it's shaving cream".
"DING DONG", the little boy runs downstairs to greet the
guests for thanksgiving dinner. He anwers the door," Hello
bitches and basterds, give me your boobs and balls". The guests
are very offended and ask him where his parents are. "My moms in
the kitchen fucking the turkey, and my dad is upstairs putting
shit on his face", he answers.
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| Posted by Max Willman on 14-Aug-2005 | Christmas Carol ParrotOne Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop
looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop
owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous
Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I
get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a
lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's
reply. The shop owner Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle
Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the
parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was
filled with: " Silent Night. Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and
ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When
the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. "How beautiful!" She
exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "But he
can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his
lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper
had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle
Bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot,
and out came: "Silent Night. Holy Night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if
we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know.
"Let's try it." He answered, eager to please his wife. So they
held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face,
cleared his throat, the little parrot sang out loudly (like it
was the performance of his life): "Chet's nuts roasting on an
open fire...."
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