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| Posted by MindYerBeak on 14-Aug-2005 | Christmas Jokes!As a little boy climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual,"And what would you like for Christmas?" The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, "Didn't you get my E-mail?"
Q: What's red and white and falls down the chimney?
A: Santa Klutz!!!!
Q: If athletes get athlete's foot, then what do astronauts get?
A: Missile toe.
Q: Why is it so cold at Christmas?
A: It?s in Decembrrrrr.
Q: What do elves learn in school?
A: The Elf-abet!
Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
A: North Polish.
Q: Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
A: He wanted to sleep like a log.
Q: Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
A: Because every buck is dear to him.
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():holiday jokes (333): Top 10 Halloween Things that Sound Dirty but Aren't |
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| Posted by Dick Day on 14-Aug-2005 | Top 10 Halloween Things that Sound Dirty but Aren't10. She's a goblin!
9. I'd like to get a little something in the sack.
8. Let me see your bag....OH!-You're having a great night!
7. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.
6. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch
5. If you just lick it, it'll last longer.
4. Show me your JuJuBees and I'll let you see my Zagnuts.
3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth
2. You scared me stiff!
1. He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!
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():holiday jokes (333): The Top 15 Disclaimers Found on Toy Boxes (Part I) |
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| Posted by Sam ze Chef on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Disclaimers Found on Toy Boxes (Part I)[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
15> Use as a marital aid nullifies warranty.
14> Warning: This fad will disappear in 6 weeks.
13> Uranium-236 not included.
12> As with real appliances, this thing *will* burn your careless ass.
11> Some dismemberment may occur.
10> Do not purchase this toy at all. Put it back on the shelf! NOW!! Just walk away, timid little man.
9> Harmful if swallowed with massive quantities of vodka.
8> No disrespect intended.
7> Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously.
6> Use as an actual terrorist device not recommended.
5> NOTE: The makers of "Queen Amidala's Naboo Dream Palace" assume no responsibility for the quality of the movie which spawned it.
4> Some assimilation required. Resistance is futile.
3> Manufacturer not responsible for accidents involving EZ-Bake Oven and Suicide-Watch Barbie.
2> Caution: "Mack Daddy Ken" is anatomically exaggerated and may excite or frighten little girls and create self esteem problems in little boys.
1> Do not place Captain Viagra within 5"-7" of an open flame.
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| Posted by brittany l. fint on 14-Aug-2005 | Walkin' in a Doggie WonderlandDog tags ring, are you listening'?
In the lane, snow is glistening'.
It's yellow, NOT white, I've been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.
Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
It's a sign for wandering vagrants;
"Avoid where I pee, it's MY pro-per-ty!
Marked up as my winter wonderland."
In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
Following the classical design.
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go Man,
So all the world will know that it's Mine-mine--mine!
Straight from me to the fence post,
Flows my natural incense boast;
"Stay off my TURF, this small piece of earth,
I marked it as my winter wonderland."
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| Posted by Joe Mom on 13-Aug-2005 | Five least popular holiday gifts1)I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, The Board Game
2)Jimmy Dean's Pork Log O' Fun
3)The Chia Coat
4)"Miracle Grow, Your Lawn and You" a 14 hour video perspective
5)Pepper Spray Flavored Silly String
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| Posted by Jen Z on 13-Aug-2005 | Bah Humbug ChristmasT'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have good mind to scrap the whole works
I've busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter
They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money
And the kids these days - they all are the pits
They want the impossible ...Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them
They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!
If you think that's bad...just picture this
Try holding those brats...with their pants full of piss
They pull on my nose - they grab at my beard
And if I don't smile..the parents think I'm weird
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment
There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason
I found me a blonde.. I'm going SOUTH for the season!!
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