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| Posted by Francisco on 09-Aug-2005 | ClimbYou know your in trouble when the tower say's, "Climb like your life depends on it...because it does."
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| Posted by nate f. gayfag on 09-Aug-2005 | Angle of arrivalThe probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.
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| Posted by Lucy G. Van Pelt on 09-Aug-2005 | Aerial PhotosA photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.
The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting.
He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes."
"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."
The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"
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| Posted by Jason A. Romig on 09-Aug-2005 | Airline foodThe nice thing about airlines???‚¬?„? in-flight meals is that there???‚¬?„?s no confusion about the quality of the food.
The best and the worst tastes exactly the same.
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| Posted by Adam R. Culbertson on 09-Aug-2005 | MaroonedA boat carrying blue paint and a boat carrying red paint collided in the middle of the ocean.
What happened to the crew?
They were marooned.
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| Posted by Saucy Sammy on 09-Aug-2005 | Panic on the flightA plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the Captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles.
The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back
and relax...
OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I frightened you earlier while I was talking to you.
The flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach yelled, "You should see the back of mine."
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| Posted by Krissy Boo on 09-Aug-2005 | Children and spouses"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses."
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| Posted by saber saint on 09-Aug-2005 | With our compliments"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
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| Posted by Hope moynahan on 09-Aug-2005 | We love youWeather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try try to have them fixed before we arrive.
Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
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| Posted by Cameron Rivard on 09-Aug-2005 | Pick your favorite"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling.
Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.
If you have a small child traveling
with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs.
If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
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| Posted by Dragonfire563 on 09-Aug-2005 | Seat beltFrom a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to
Tampa.
To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight.
It works just like every other seat belt and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
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| Posted by ben kiesel on 09-Aug-2005 | Thanks for the ride"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
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| Posted by Haydogg, Wooder on 09-Aug-2005 | Left behindOn landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings.
If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
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| Posted by Kathryn Ellis on 09-Aug-2005 | AppearanceOn a flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights.
This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.
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| Posted by Brendan Cross on 09-Aug-2005 | BackwardsPaddy went to a riding stable and hired a horse.
"Hold on for a moment," said the assistant as he helped him on to the horse, "aren't you putting the saddle on backwards?"
"Why, you don't even know which way I want to go!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
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| Posted by Xandi on 09-Aug-2005 | BeckhamDavid Beckham decides to go horse riding. Although he has had no previous experience he skilfully mounts the horse and appears to be in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace.
Victoria admiringly watching her husband.
After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse around the neck shouting for it to stop.
Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horses neck.
David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups.
As the horse gallops along David's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness.
Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help!
Hearing her screams, the Tesco Security Guard comes out of the store and unplugs the horse.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
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| Posted by Randy_Andy on 09-Aug-2005 | Pig in bullbarA farmhand in Australia was out checking farm fences in his Landcruiser when he hit something. He radioed the farm for advice.
"There's a pig stuck in the bullbar and is still alive but he's kicking and squealing so much I can't get him free" he said.
"Okay," said the boss. "In the back of the 'cruiser there's a pistol. Put it up to the pig's head and shoot it. When its body goes all limp you'll be able to get it off the bullbar and throw it into the bush."
About 45 minutes later the farmhand called in again, "I did what you said, boss. I shot the pig in the head, he went all limp and I got him out of the bullbar, no problem. But I still can't go on."
"Why not?" Asked the boss. "What's the problem?"
"Well it's his motorbike ... the flashing blue light is jammed under the wheel-arch."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by Clueless_3216 on 09-Aug-2005 | First classThere is a blonde on a plane to New York. She is sitting in the first class section, but her ticket says that she should be in the coach section.
A flight attendant realizes the blonde's mistake and asks her politely to move. The blonde won't move.
She says, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York."
The flight attendant goes and tells all of the other flight attendants. They all try to persuade the blonde to move, but she won't move.
She says again, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York."
The flight attendants go and tell the pilot about the obnoxious blonde. They tell him the only thing that she says. He puts the plane on auto-pilot and whispers something in the blonde's ear.
Immediately, she gets up and moves to her normal seat. Then the pilot goes back to fly the plane. The flight attendants are all very curious about how the pilot made the blonde move so quickly.
They ask him and he says, "Oh, it was easy. All I had to do was tell her that the first class section wasn't going to New York!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Christine
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| Posted by Steve Bessette on 09-Aug-2005 | Pilot vs engineWhat's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.
Submitted by Yisman
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by Aimee C. Goldberg on 09-Aug-2005 | Speeding ticketA police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together."
"Yesterday you took my license away and today you expect me to show it to you!?"
Submitted by Sherri
Edited by Yisman
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| Posted by Ab on 09-Aug-2005 | Night flightAn American tourist was boasting to an Irishman how advanced the Americans are. "Gee, we've even put a man on the moon."
"That's nothing," replied the Irishman," we're going to put a man on the sun."
"Don't be stupid," said the American," "he'll fry before he even gets there."
"Oh no, he won't. We're sending him at night."
Submitted by Tantilazing
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by Wonder-Woman N. Super Man on 09-Aug-2005 | Don't help dearAn old Montana rancher hates wearing his seat belt.
One day, he's driving on the highway with his wife and sees a state trooper behind him.
He says to his wife, "Quick, take the wheel! I've got to put my seat belt on!"
She does, and right then, the trooper pulls them over.
He walks up to the car and says to the rancher, ??????Say, I noticed you weren??????t wearing your seat belt.??????
The rancher says, "I was, but you don't have to take my word for it. My wife is a good Christian, ask her. She'll tell you the truth. She doesn't lie about anything."
So the cop asks the wife.
The wife says, "I've been married to Buck for 20 years, officer, and one thing I've learned in all that time is this: You never argue with him when he's drunk."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
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| Posted by Ba A. Bi on 09-Aug-2005 | Hung like a horseA horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking.
He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.
The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.
He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole.
The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.
The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story:
If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
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| Posted by Nicholas Hock on 09-Aug-2005 | Drunk driverA policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."
"Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."
"Alright, we could get a blood sample."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die."
"Fine then, just walk this white line."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
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| Posted by KrAzYBoY on 09-Aug-2005 | Things not to sayEight things not to say to a cop
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you that guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must have been doin' at least 120 mph to keep up with me...Good job!
5. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop.
6. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
7. I pay your salary!
8. Bad cop! No donut!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by michelle on 09-Aug-2005 | Birth control pillA truck driver was pulled over by a state trooper.
The patrolman told him to get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab.
Figuring that the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked, "Did I just see you swallow something?"
"Yep, that was my birth control pill," said the driver.
"Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman.
"Yep, when I saw your light, I knew I was fucked."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
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| Posted by LeeLee on 09-Aug-2005 | ContactsA policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
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| Posted by Isis D. Belle on 09-Aug-2005 | Nervous old ladyA nervous old lady on a bus was made even more nervous by the fact that the driver periodically put his arm out of the window.
Well she couldn't stand it any longer, so she tapped him on the shoulder and whispered in his ear.
"Young man, you keep both hands on the wheel..... I'll tell you when its raining!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by Timbo on 09-Aug-2005 | Portland FairStumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine.
Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said
"Ya know Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane."
And every year Martha would say "I know Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."
So Stumpy says "By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old. If I don't go this time I may nevah go."
Martha replies "Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."
So the pilot overhears them and says "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but just one word and it's ten dollars."
They agree and up they go.The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard.
He does it one more time, still nothing. So he lands.
He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't."
And Stumpy replies "Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out, but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by Nicola Smith on 09-Aug-2005 | Driving OffenseA man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place....
The man says "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going 80. [Man gives his wife a dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. [Man gives his wife another dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!"
Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife says: "No, only when he's drunk."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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