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| Posted by *PoOpHeAd* on 14-Aug-2005 | Cock SuckersA large, menacing construction worker walks into a bar. He orders a beer,
chugs it back, and then bellows, "All you guys on this side of the bar are
cock suckers!" A sudden silence descends. After a moment, he asks, "Anyone
got a problem with that?" The silence lengthens.
He then chugs back another beer and growls, "And all you guys on this side
of the bar are mother fuckers!" Once again, the bar is silent. He looks
around belligerently and roars, "Anyone got a problem with that?"
A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards
the man. The construction worker looks the man square in the eye and says,
"You got a problem, buddy?"
"Um, no," insists the man. "I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."
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| Posted by Butters on 14-Aug-2005 | Wanna be a builderDid you hear about little Jimmy? He is four years old.
He was bugging his mother so she said, "Jimmy, why don't you go
across the street and watch the builders work? Maybe you'll
learn something."
Jimmy was gone about 2 hours. When he came home, his mother
asked him what he learned.
Jimmy replied, "Well first you put the God damn door up. Then
the son-of-a-bitch doesn't fit, now you have to take the cock
sucker back down. Then you have to take a cunt hair off each
side and put the mother fucker back up."
Jimmy's mother said, "You wait till your dad gets home!"
When Jimmy's dad got home, mom told him to ask Jimmy what he
learned across the street. Jimmy told him the whole story.
Dad said, "Jimmy, you go outside and get a switch!"
Jimmy replied, "Fuck you, that's the electrician's job!"
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| Posted by Kevin N. Wong on 14-Aug-2005 | Whispering BoyA 911 operator gets a call one evening but nobody says anything.
Fearing the worst, the operator calls back, and a little boy
answers the phone in whispering voice ...
[barely audible] Hello!
(Operator) Hello little boy. Did you just call 911?
[barely audible] "No!"
(Operator) O.K., is your mommy home?
[barely audible] "Yes."
(Operator) Can I speak to her, please?
[barely audible] "No."
(Operator) "Why not?"
[barely audible] "Because she's busy!"
(Operator) "Oh, OK. Is your daddy home then?"
[barely audible] "Yes."
(Operator) "Well, can I speak to him?"
[barely audible] "No!"
(Operator) "Well, my goodness, why not?"
[barely audible] "Because he's busy too!"
(Operator) "OH, goodness! What's he busy doing?"
[barely audible] "Talking to the police."
(Operator) "Oh, so the police are there?"
[barely audible] "Yes."
(Operator) "Can I speak to one of them?"
[barely audible] "No!"
(Operator) "Why not?"
[barely audible] "Because they are really busy."
(Operator) "Well, what's your mom busy doing?"
[barely audible] "Talking to the firemen."
(Operator) "Can I speak to one of the firemen then, please?"
[barely audible] "No."
(Operator) "Well, goodness, why not?"
[barely audible] "Because they are really busy too!"
(Operator) "Well, what are all of these people busy doing?"
[barely audible] "Looking for me!"
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| Posted by Dr Drew on 14-Aug-2005 | Counting f'sRead the following sentence and count how many F's there are. Count them
ONLY ONCE: Do not go back and count them again!!!
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.
ANSWER:
There are six F's in the sentence. One of average intelligence finds three
of them. If you spotted four, you're above average. If you got five, you
can turn your nose at most anybody. If you caught six, you are a genius.
There is no catch. Many people forget the "OF"'s. The human brain tends to
see them as V's and not F's. Pretty weird, huh?
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| Posted by Tom Hanks is my love on 14-Aug-2005 | Two Dogs PleaseTwo Scottish nuns have just arrived to USA by boat and one says to the
other, I hear that people in this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her
companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do
as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, she points to a hot dog vendor
and they walk towards it.
"Two dogs, please," says one of the nuns. The vendor is pleased to oblige
and he wraps both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a
bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The first nun, staring at it for a
moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part
did you get?"
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| Posted by Erik Broome on 14-Aug-2005 | PhilosophiesAlways take the time to smell the roses...and sooner or later
you'll inhale a bee.
If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek...nothing
gets the message across like a good mooning.
If genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration, I must be
sharing elevators with a lot of bright people.
It's always darkest before dawn...so if you're gonna steal the
neighbors newspaper, that's the tme to do it.
It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown...and fewer still
to ignore someone completely.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked up into jet
engines.
I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't
be blamed on someone else.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
My father always said laughter is the best medicine, which I
guess is why several of us ended up dying of tuberculosis.
It takes a big man to cry...but it takes a bigger man to laugh
at that man.
When I'm feeling down I like to whistle...it makes my neighbor's
dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
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