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| Posted by lou e. king on 14-Aug-2005 | College HumorCONTRIBUTIONS
Even though I was an engineering student at the University of Maryland, chemistry was a required course in my day. The Professor, on the first day of class, asked everyone to name the most outstanding contribution chemistry had made to society. When my turn came, I answered, "Blondes!"
INGENUITY
In one class, the Professor asked anyone to explain how they would measure the height of a building using an Aneroid Barometer. One student, short of knowledge but long on ingenuity replied, "I would lower the barometer on a string and measure the string."
CAPITAL GAIN?
The professor of an economics class asked for an example of unremunerative outlay of capital. One student replied, "Taking one's sister out to dinner and the movies."
INCIDENTALLY
Jumping back in time again, when I was attending the University of Maryland, I was asked by the bursar's office to pay a $20 "Incidental Fee." I asked them how many incidents that entitled me to.
DROWN ME
A soft whistle came from the rear of the chemistry lab as a really curvaceous coed in a tight-fitting outfit walked across the front of the room. "Relax," said the whistler's partner, "She's three-fourths water." "Yeah!" came the enthusiastic reply, "But what surface tension!"
COACH
A coach was being congratulated on getting a lifetime contract at a famous medical school. "I guess it's all right," he said, "but the last time when the coach had a bad year, the President called him to his office, pronounced him dead, and fired him."
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| Posted by Misy on 14-Aug-2005 | Words not Yet in the DictionaryACCORDIONATED
(ah kor' de on ay tid)
adj.
Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.
AQUADEXTROUS
(ak wa deks' trus)
adj.
Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
AQUALIBRIUM
(ak wa lib' re um)
n.
The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye.
BURGACIDE
(burg' uh side)
n.
When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.
BUZZACKS
(buz' aks)
n.
People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.
CARPERPETUATION
(kar' pur pet u a shun)
n.
The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
DIMP
(dimp)
n.
A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"
DISCONFECT
(dis kon fekt')
v.
To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will `remove' all the germs.
ECNALUBMA
(ek na lub' ma)
n.
A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.
EIFFELITES
(eye' ful eyetz)
n.
Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.
ELBONICS
(el bon' iks)
n.
The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater or airplane.
ELEVCELLERATION
(el a cel er ay' shun)
n.
The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.
FRUST
(frust)
n.
The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
LACTOMANGULATION
(lak' to man gyu lay' shun)
n.
Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal' side.
NEONPHANCY
(ne on' fan see)
n.
A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.
PEPPIER
(pehp ee ay')
n.
The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
PETOPHOBIC
(peh toe fo' bik)
adj.
One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.
PHONESIA
(fo nee' zhuh)
n.
The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
PUPKUS
(pup' kus)
n.
The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
TELECRASTINATION
(tel e kras tin ay' shun)
n.
The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
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| Posted by roshan on 14-Aug-2005 | Course in LogicA man in his mid thrities decides that he wants to go back to school, but just to take some courses that he finds interesting. Unfortunately, when he goes to register, he finds that all the classes he had intended on taking were already too full.
Disapointed, the man figured, "Ah screw it."
The next day, the man happened to run into one of the professors who teaches at the university. The man explained his situation to the professor, to which the professor replied, "Hey, if nothing else, why not sign up for my course in Logic"
Intrigued, the man asked the professor, "What exactly do you teach in your class?"
"Well," the professor answered, "I'll give you an example of what i mean. Do you own a weed whacker?"
"Yes," the man replied. "If you own a weed whacker, then you probably have a lawn," the professor said
"Yes," the man replied.
"And if you have a lawn, then you probably own a home, right?" the professor asked.
"Yes," the man replied "And if you own a home, then you probably are married with a family, correct?" the professor asked.
"Why yes," the man replied
"And if you are married with a family, then you're in all probability heterosexual, right?" the professor asked
"Yes!" the man replied
The following day, the man decided to try out some of this "logic" at the cash clerk at the store because he was so impressed with it himself. The man askes the cash clerk, "Do you own a weed whacker?"
"No" the cash clerk replies
"Ah-hah!!", the man blurts out, "You must be gay!!"
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| Posted by Big Slacker on 14-Aug-2005 | The ExamThe setting is Ohio State University about six or seven years ago in a huge lecture hall (approximately 1000 students) for a Calculus final. Apparently this particular calculus teacher wasn't very well liked. He was one of those guys who would stand at the front of the class and yell out how much time was remaining before the end of a test, a real charmer.
Since he was so busy gallivanting around the room making sure that nobody cheated and that everyone was aware of how much time they had left before their failure on the test was complete, he had the students stack the completed tests on the huge podium at the front of the room.
This made for quite a mess, remember there were 1000 students in the class. Anyway, during this particular final, one guy entered the test needing a decent grade to pass the class. His only problem with Calculus was that he did poorly when rushed, and this guy standing in the front of the room barking out how much time was left before the tests had to be handed in didn't help him at all.
He figured he wanted to assure himself of a good grade, so he hardly flinched when the professor said "pencils down and submit your scantron sheets and work to piles at the front of the room".
Five minutes turned into ten, ten into twenty, twenty into forty ... almost an hour after the test was "officially over", our friend finally put down his pencil, gathered up his work, and headed to the front of the hall to submit his final. The whole time, the professor sat at the front of the room, strangely waiting for the student to complete his exam.
"What do you think you're doing?" the professor asked as the student stood in front of him about to put down his exam on one of the neatly stacked piles of exams (the professor had plenty of time to stack the mountain of papers while he waited)
It was clear that the professor had waited only to give the student a hard time.
"Turning in my exam," retorted the student confidently.
"I'm afraid I have some bad news for you," the professor gloated, "Your exam is an hour late. You've FAILED it and, consequently, I'll see you next term when you repeat my course."
The student smiled slyly and asked the professor "Do you know who I am?"
"What?" replied the professor gruffly, annoyed that the student showed no sign of emotion.
The student rephrased the question mockingly, "Do you know what my name is?"
"NO", snarled the professor.
The student looked the professor dead in the eyes and said slowly, "I didn't think so", as he lifted up one of the stacks half way, shoved his test neatly into the center of the stack, let the stack fall burying his test in the middle, turned around, and walked casually out of the huge lecture hall.
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| Posted by Avi Marcus on 14-Aug-2005 | Mad Science - Duck!The moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year. Do the math and you will clearly see that 85 million years ago it was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface.
This would explain the death of the dinosaurs; the tallest ones, anyway.
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| Posted by Mark M on 14-Aug-2005 | Professor's LogicA college student was in a philosophy class which had a discussion about God's existence. The professor presented the following logic: "Has anyone in this class heard God?"
Nobody spoke.
"Has anyone in this class touched God?"
Again, nobody spoke. "Has anyone in this class seen God?"
When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, "Then there is no God."
One student thought for a second, and then asked for permission to reply. Curious to hear this bold student's response, the professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates: "Has anyone in this class heard our professor's brain?"
Silence.
"Has anyone in this class touched our professor's brain?"
silence.
"Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain?"
When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, "Then, according to our professor's logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!"
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