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| Posted by Free Bird on 13-Aug-2005 | Conduct During the Holiday SeasonRunning aluminum foil through a paper shredder at Kinko's to make tinsel is discouraged.
Playing Jingle Bells on a neighbor's push-button phone during a party is forbidden (It runs up an incredible long distance bill.)
Chores and charitable requests are not to be filed under "Bah, Humbug."
Rental cars are not to be used to go "over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house."
Endlessly singing "Frosty, the Snowman" under your breath at the mall will result in "no presents" this year.
All fruitcake is to be eaten before July 25, 2001.
Laced Eggnog will not be secreted in Pepsi cans.
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| Posted by Kellen C. Dunbar on 13-Aug-2005 | The Costume PartyA couple was going to a costume party.
The husband was unsure of what costume to wear. His wife was telling him to hurry or they would be late for the party. She was walking down the stairs from the bedroom, completely naked except on her feet were a big old floppy pair of boots.
"Where is your costume?", the husband asked.
"This is it", replied his wife.
"What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the husband.
"Why, I am going as Puss and Boots" explains the wife. "Now hurry and get your costume on."
The husband went upstairs and was back in about two minutes. He also was completely naked except he had a rose vase slid over his penis.
"What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the wife.
"I am a fire alarm" he replied.
"A fire alarm?" she repeated laughing.
"Yes" he replied. "In case of fire break the glass, pull twice and I come."
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| Posted by Jason C. Johnson on 14-Aug-2005 | Christmas ParrotOne day, shortly before Christmas, a man was shopping for a gift for his children, and went into a pet store. The owner showed the man the usual array of pets, puppies, kittens, hamsters, etc., but the man said he was looking for something a little more unique.
The owner said, "I might have what you are looking for!", and took the man into the back room, where a bedraggled looking parrot sat on a perch. "This is Chet. He is a perfect Christmas pet, because he sings Christmas songs."
The owner took a Bic lighter out of his pocket, lit it, and held it under Chet's right wing just far enough away to keep from singing the parrot's feathers. Immediately Chet began to sing, "Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way."
Then the owner held the lighter under Chet's left wing, and the squawky sound of "Silent night. Holy night" poured out of Chet's beak. The man bought the parrot on the spot, and took him home.
His children were gone when he got home, so he decided to check out Chet' talent for himself, just to make sure he hadn't been tricked. He lit a match, held it under Chet's right wing, and sure enough the bird began singing "Jingle bells.", just like before. Moving the match under Chet's left wing produced the same results as in the pet store. "Silent Night."
Being of a curious nature, the man decided to hold the match between Chet's legs to see what would happen. Immediately the parrot began to sing, "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire.
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():holiday jokes (333): The Top 15 Upcoming Thanksgiving-Themed Movies |
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| Posted by Sarah Clayton on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Upcoming Thanksgiving-Themed Movies15> To Kill A Walking Bird
14> My Best Friend's Dressing
13> Thighs Wide Shut
12> The Texas Coleslaw Massacre
11> Casserolablanca
10> The Fabulous Baster Boys
9> 12 Hungry Men
8> Silence of the Yams
7> For Love of The Game Hen
6> I Know What You Ate Last Winter
5> All the President's Menu
4> White Meat Can't Jump
3> When Harry Met Salad
2> The Story of U.S.
1> The Wing and I
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Benjin on 13-Aug-2005 | I think Santa Claus is a WomanI hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they with amazing calm call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle. Other reasons why Santa can't possible be a man: - Men can't pack a bag
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly"
- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them
- Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men..... Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But no St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song", it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is... I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!
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():holiday jokes (333): Things not to say on your Valentine's date |
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| Posted by Grainne J. Whelan on 13-Aug-2005 | Things not to say on your Valentine's date* I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
* I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.
* I used to come here all the time with my ex.
* I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it.
* Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.
* I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.
* And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest.
* I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask.
* It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.
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