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():other funny jokes (4827): Confucius


Posted by Thomas Flask on 14-Aug-2005

Confucius

Confucius says...
Man who keep feet firmly on ground have
trouble putting on pants.

Confucius says...
If you want pretty nurse, you got to be
patient.

Confucius says...
Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to
undoing of fly.

Confucius says...
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Confucius says...
Couple on 7 day honeymoon make whole week.

Confucius says...
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find
nuts.

Confucius says...
Rape impossible. Woman run faster with skirt
up, than Man with pants down.

Confucius says...
He who run behind bus get exhausted.

Confucius says...
Man with tight trousers is pressing his
luck.

Confucius says...
He who fishes in others' holes often catches
crabs.
   

3 people have rated this joke:
7.33/10
     

():other funny jokes (4827): Pet Peeves!


Posted by Timothy J. Russin on 12-Aug-2005

Pet Peeves!

Things that make me cringe!:

1. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no genitals.

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. The Norwich Life commercial where the old bastard answers the phone, says hello and then immediately tells his wife "It's Patrick! He bought life insurance!" Excuse me? how did Patrick find the time to tell you this? You barely breathed between "Hello" and It's Patrick". And why the hell do you have big sheets of bristol board and thick markers by the phone? Do you people play Pictionary over the phone often?

4. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fuck off! What good is a damn cake you can't eat? What, should I eat someone else's cake Instead?

5. When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

6. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

7. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $7.50 to come to the theatre and stare at the fuckin ceiling up there! What did you come here for?

8. BIG hair

9. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice,... did ya there buddy?

10. When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

11. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know why he pulled you over. You should know asshole, you fucking pulled me over!
   

24 people have rated this joke:
7.25/10
     

():other funny jokes (4827): A Pirate


Posted by Dr.16 on 14-Aug-2005

A Pirate

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says "Mr.Pirate did
you know that you have a steering wheel hanging from your
zipper?" Then the pirate says "Yeah..........It's driving me
nuts"

   

26 people have rated this joke:
7.19/10
     

():other funny jokes (4827): N Factorial


Posted by Abbey J. Heier on 09-Aug-2005

N Factorial

never say "N factorial", simply scream "N" at the top of your lungs.
   

1 people have rated this joke:
7.00/10
     

():other funny jokes (4827): Fish


Posted by panzer on 09-Aug-2005
Fish
What does a fish use to get high?

Seaweed!
   

3 people have rated this joke:
7.00/10
     

():other funny jokes (4827): Turtles and Picnics


Posted by Mike J. Tecci on 09-Aug-2005
Turtles and Picnics
Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.

By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped and hungry. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back.

Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steady.

Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless.

"I NEED FOOD!" he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.

"NO!" Joe retorts.

"We promised."

Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock.

"Just for that, I'm not going."


   

1 people have rated this joke:
7.00/10
     

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