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():bar jokes (2610): Control freaks


Posted by Brian m. Spillner on 10-Aug-2005

Control freaks

Three men are at a bar, and two of the men are talking about the control they
have over their wives, while the third remains silent.

After a while, the first two men turn to the third and ask, "What about you?
What kind of control do you have over your wife?"

The third man turns to the first two and says, "Well, I'll tell you, just the
other day I had her on her knees."

The first two men were dumbfounded.

"Wow! What happened next?" they asked.

The third man takes a healthy swig of his beer, sighs and mutters, "Then she
started screaming, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!'"
   

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():bar jokes (2610): Do you have any nails?


Posted by Josh J. Smith on 10-Aug-2005

Do you have any nails?

A woman walks in a bar and asks the bartender if he has any peanuts. He says
no. She comes back the next day with the same question and gets the same answer.
She then comes back another day and asks him again. He says ''No, and if you
come back I'll nail your freaking' hands to the table!''

So she comes back and asks him, ??????do you have any nails?''

He says no.

''Well then, do you have any peanuts?''
   

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():bar jokes (2610): Drink this in memory of me


Posted by joke magus on 10-Aug-2005

Drink this in memory of me

The bartender was washing his glasses when an elderly Irishman came in. With
great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled
himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.

The Irishman looked down the bar and asked, "Is that Jesus down there?"

The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey,
too.

The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who
moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of
Chianti.

He also looked down the bar and asked, ???Is that Jesus sitting at the end of
the bar????

The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.


The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar
and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one!???

???Hey, is that God's Boy down there?"

The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman, touched him, and
said, ???For your kindness, you are healed!???

The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a
jig out the door.

Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"

The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head
and did a flip out the door.

Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed,
"Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!"
   

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():bar jokes (2610): Drug used to seduce men


Posted by Angie Vaughn on 10-Aug-2005

Drug used to seduce men

Men, please read this if you go to bars or clubs:

Guys, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl. There
is a drug called "beer" that is essentially in liquid form.

The most effective varieties are being shipped in from other countries. Female
sexual predators at parties to convince their male victims to have sex with them
are now using ???Beer???.

The shocking statistic is that this "beer" is available virtually anywhere!
All girls have to do is buy a beer or two for almost any guy and simply ask the
guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are literally rendered helpless
against such attacks. Please! Forward this to every man you know... There is
safety in numbers...
   

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():bar jokes (2610): Drunk at your door


Posted by Payway Elbertse on 10-Aug-2005
Drunk at your door
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over
and looks at his clock -- it's half-past three in the morning.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a
louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So, he
drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.

He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the
homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there???, slurs the stranger,
"Can you give me a push?"

"No. Get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed???, says the man and slams the
door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave,
that wasn't very nice of you.

Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the
kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's door to get us
started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the
Christian thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He
opens the door and, not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey,
do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please???.

So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts: "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing set.
   

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():bar jokes (2610): Drunk driver


Posted by Michelle K. Gordon on 10-Aug-2005
Drunk driver
A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the
highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a Breathalyzer.

''I can't do that, officer.''

''Why not?''

??????because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that
tube.''

''Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.''

''Alright, we could get a blood sample.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.''

''Fine then, just walk this white line.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm drunk.''
   

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