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():bar jokes (2610): Cooking Turkey

Posted by dickster on 09-Aug-2005

Cooking Turkey

20 Easy Steps to Cook a Turkey

1. Go and buy a turkey.

2. Take a drink of whisky (scotch or bourbon).

3. Put turkey in the oven.

4. Take another two drinks of whisky.

5. Set the degree at 180 ovens.

6. Take three more whiskies of drink.

7. Turn oven the on.

8. Take four whisks of drinky.

9. Turk the bastey.

10. Whisky another bottle of get.

11. Stick a turkey in the thermometer.

12. Glass yourself a pour of whisky.

13. Bake the whisky for four hours.

14. Take the oven out of the turkey.

15. Take the oven out of the turkey.

16. Floor the turkey up off the pick.

17. Turk the carvey.

18. Get yourself another scottle of botch.

19. Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey.

20. Bless the saying, pass and eat out.


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():bar jokes (2610): Drinking Truth

Posted by Some One on 09-Aug-2005

Drinking Truth

The following is an actual excerpt from Forbes magazine:

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained or even improved by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass.

Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. Thus, regular consumption of beer helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and job-related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving university and getting married, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates.

Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved during their university years.

So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge we should not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars. Quaff that pint. Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have. Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be.


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():bar jokes (2610): Left it at the pub

Posted by Asheesh Joshi on 09-Aug-2005

Left it at the pub

A man's been drinking at the pub all night. The barman finally says that the bar is closing, so the man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result.

He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the four blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face again.

He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up.

This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting, `So you've been out drinking again!'

'What makes you say that?' he asks, putting on an innocent look

His wife said, 'The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again.'


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():bar jokes (2610): Drunk Irish

Posted by Wicked Jeff on 09-Aug-2005

Drunk Irish

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

'Why, of course,' comes the reply.
The first man then asks, 'Where are you from?'

'I'm from Ireland,' replies the second man.

The first man responds by saying, 'You don't say. I'm from Ireland too. Let's have another round to Ireland.'

'Of course,' replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks, 'Where in Ireland are you from?'

'Dublin,' comes the reply.
'I can't believe it,' says the first man, 'I'm from Dublin too. Let's have another drink to Dublin.'

'Of course,' replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, 'What school did you go to?'

'St Mary's,' replies the second man, 'I graduated in 1962.'

'This is unbelievable,' the first man says. 'I went to St Mary's and I graduated in 1962 too.'

About that time, one of the regulars comes in and sits down at the bar.

'What's been going on?' he asks the barman.

'Nothing much,' replies the barman. 'The O'Malley twins are drunk again.'


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():bar jokes (2610): Barmen

Posted by Matt J. Kovich on 09-Aug-2005
Our lager,

Which art in barrels,

Hallowed be thy drink,

Thy will be drunk (I will be drunk),

At home as it is in the pub.

Give us this day our foamy head,

And forgive us our spillages,

As we will forgive those who spill against us.

And lead us not to incarceration,

But deliver us from hangovers.

For thine is the beer, the bitter and the lager.

For ever and ever.



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():bar jokes (2610): English drinking

Posted by Marc A. Brekke on 09-Aug-2005
English drinking
A very British one:

0. Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.

1. Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well being.

2. Beer warming up head. Chips are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.

3. Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while the blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.

4. Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bra. Order half a dozen packets of crisps one by one.

5. Have brilliant discussion with a guy at the bar. Devise a foolproof scheme for winning the lottery. Sort out cricket/tennis/football problems. Agree people are same the world over - except for the bloody French.

6. Feel like a demi-god. Map out rest of life on beer mat. Realize that everybody loves you. Ring up parents and tell them you love them. Ring girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an amazing arse.

7. Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five beer mats and frisbee them to her across the room. Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy him a pint.

8. Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the pub hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.

9. Headache kicks in. Beer tastes off. Send it back. Beer comes back tasting same. Say, 'That's much better.' Fight nausea by trying to play poker machine for 10 minutes before seeing 'out of order' sign.

10. Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four barmen. Talked down by barmen's wives, who you offer to give baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on comer of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.

11. Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realize you are sitting in pub cellar having taken a wrong turn. Vomit. Pass out.

12. Put in taxi by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can't get key in door. Realize you've given address of the local football club. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.


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