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| Posted by Vampboy! on 09-Aug-2005 | Counting SheepAn accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."
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| Posted by shadowarrior shadow on 09-Aug-2005 | Good SwimmerA very rich man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10-meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this followed by a three rotations in jack-knife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, "That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No," she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal..."
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| Posted by Daniel L. Clark on 09-Aug-2005 | Generous DonationAn Internal Revenue inspector walks into a synagogue and asks to see the rabbi. He is shown to the rabbi's office and is offered a seat.
"Rabbi, A member of your synagogue, Mr. Klutzberg, states on his tax return that he has donated $100,000 to the synagogue. Tell me, Rabbi, is this correct?"
"Yes," The Rabbi replies "As soon as I see him it will be."
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| Posted by Cristyn B. Militello on 09-Aug-2005 | Check Me OutA woman picked up a few items in the supermarket, then headed for the express line. The clerk had his back turned to her, so she said, "Excuse me. I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"
The clerk turned, looked her up and down and said, "Nice tits."
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| Posted by Thomas Flask on 09-Aug-2005 | Library BookThe scrawny young miss with train-track braces on her teeth and an overly large retainer was hanging near the library's information desk as if she wanted to ask a question, but was afraid to. Finally, the librarian smiled at the shy lil' girl and said, "Is there something I can help you find ?"
"Well..."
she blushed.
"would you know if you have a current copy of 'Scouting for Boys' ?"
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| Posted by Allison L. Aaserude on 09-Aug-2005 | Period.The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.
She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period," reported Johnnie.
"Well I can see that," she said.
"But what is so exciting about a period."
"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."
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