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| Posted by Briman B. Briman on 08-Aug-2005 | Cow Priced Like A CarWhat would happen if we priced our "COWS" using the same criteria the auto industry uses to price a "CAR"?
LIST PRICING A COW
A farmer had been taken several times by the local car dealer. One
day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over
to purchase a cow. The farmer priced his unit as follows:
BASIC COW.................................................$499.9
Shipping and handling.......................................35.75
Extra Stomach.................................................79.25
Two Tone Exterior..........................................142.10
Produce Storage Compartment.......................126.50
Heavy Duty Straw Chopper.............................189.60
Four Spigot/High Output Drain System.............149.20
Automatic Fly Swatter.......................................88.50
Genuine Cowhide Upholstery...........................179.90
Deluxe Dual Horns............................................59.25
Automatic Fertilizer Attachment........................339.40
4X4 Traction Drive Assembly...........................884.16
Pre-delivery Wash and Comb.............................69.80
______________________________________________
FARMER'S SUGGESTED LIST PRICE: .......$2,843.3
Additional Dealer Adjustments: ............................300.00
TOTAL LIST PRICE (Including Options).........$3,143.36
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| Posted by Alex A. Mistratov on 08-Aug-2005 | Elephant Jokes EightQ: Why do elephants have trunks?
A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments.
Q: What do you do when you come across an elephant?
A: Wipe it off!
Q: Have you heard about Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants?
A: None of the offspring survived.
Q: How does the male elephant find the female elephant when she's lying down in tall grass?
A: VERY attractive.
Q: How do you know when an elephant has been screwing in you're yard?
A: The flower beds are crushed and you are missing a garbage bag!
Q: What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road?
A: Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!! (to be sung).
Q: What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road?
A: He stamped it to death and then said "Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!".
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a grape?
A: Cosine (Theta) Note: Assumes |elephant| |grape| 1
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a mountain climber?
A: Zero - a mountain climber is a scaler.
Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?
A: Lots of room.
Q: What's grey and comes in quarts?
A: An elephant.
Q: What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?
A: Swim for your life!!
Q: Why do elephants lay on their backs?
A: To trip low flying canaries.
Q: Why did the elephant have a yellow spot on his ass?
A: He wasn't laying on his back.
Q: Why do elephants have Big Ears?
A: Because Noddy won't pay the ransom. (Noddy is children's storybook character)
Q: Why don't you go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am?
A: Because the elephants are jumping from the trees.
Q: Why are pygmies so short?
A: Because the go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am.
Q: Whats that red stuff between elephants toes?
A: Slow pygmies.
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| Posted by Iain A. Hewitt on 08-Aug-2005 | Elephant One LinersHickory Dickory Dock, An elephant ran up the clock, The clock is being repaired.
A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
Don't call an elephant, he may come!
An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. Next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead. "Damn", says the ant, "one night of passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"
Tourist guide at zoo: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is the elephant, the largest animal to roam the lands. Every day the elephant eats 3 dozen bunches of bananas, 6 tons of hay, and 2000 pounds of assorted fruits. Madam, please don't stand near the elephant's backside.... Madam, PLEASE don't stand near the elephant's backside ... MADAM ... MADAM ..., too late; George, dig her out.
Getting anything done around here is like mating elephants. It's done on a very high level. There's a lot of stomping and screaming involved. And it takes two years to get any results.
It says in a book that more than 6000 elephants go each year to make piano keys! Isn't it amazing what elephants can be trained to do!?
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| Posted by jimmy miller on 08-Aug-2005 | National Books About the Elelphantvery nation has to write a book about the Elephant:
The French book - The Sex Life of the Elephant or: 1000 ways to cook Elephant.
The English book - Elephants I have shot on Safari.
The Welsh book - The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and culture or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll nhadau coeden.
The American book - How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants.
The Japanese book - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants.
The Greek book - How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money.
The Finnish book - What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People.
The German book - A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-
6.
The Icelandic book - Defrosting an Elephant.
The Swiss book - Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went With His Elephants.
The Canadian book - Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?
The Swedish book - How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.
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| Posted by Carolyn Halabaloo on 08-Aug-2005 | Pink PartsOne afternoon, there was this good witch who was flying along, when all of a sudden, she heard this soft crying from down below. When she landed, she saw this yellow frog. Touched by his sadness, the witch asked why he was crying.
"Sniff. None of the other frogs will let me join in all their frog games. Boo hoo."
"Don't cry, little one.", replied the witch, and with a wave of her magic wand, the frog turned green. All happy now, the frog was checking himself over when he noticed that his penis was still yellow. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but if he saw the wizard, he'd fix things up for him.
So happily, the little green frog hippity-hopped along his merry way. Feeling quite pleased with herself, the witch once more took to the skies, and once again, she heard some crying, but this time of a thunderous sort. So down to the ground she flew only to discover a pink elephant.
The witch asked him why he was crying. "Sniff. None of the other elephants will let me join in all their elephant games. Boo hoo."
Now if you have ever seen an elephant cry, you know it to be a pathetic looking sight, but a PINK elephant crying is just downright heart-breaking, and that is just how the witch felt. So once again, she waved her magic wand, and *POOF*, the elephant was all grey.
All happy now, the elephant was checking himself all over when he noticed that his penis was still pink. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but if saw the wizard, he would fix things up for him.
At this point, the elephant just started wailing. "I don't know where the wizard is", he sobbed.
"Oh that's easy. Just follow the yellow pricked toad", said the good witch.
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| Posted by Ursula -. Rickmann on 08-Aug-2005 | Elephant ExperimentThree scientists were one day discussing what would happen if they rammed a cork up an elephant's backside and force fed it for 2 weeks. But because the experiment had never been documented and the idea was hard to comprehend they decided to have a go.
A week after the experiment had started they began to realize WHY the idea had never been tried: they were stuck for someone to pull the cork out.
One of the scientists came up with the bright idea of training a monkey to do the job, so they spent the next week training it to pull out corks once a buzzer had rung, then push it back in for another go. When the big day arrived they set up all the monitoring equipment and moved out to a safe distance.
The first scientist went 1 mile away, the second went 2 miles away and the third went 3 miles. When they were all ready the first scientist pushed the button to sound the buzzer. BBBAAANNNGGG!!!!!!!
The third scientist (3 miles away) was up to his ankles in shit, the second (2 miles away) was up to his knees and the first (1 mile away) was up to his waist. When the others joined the scientist who was 1 mile away they noticed that he was in fits of laughter.
"What the %$*& is so funny?" asked one of the scientist.
"You should have seen the monkey's face trying to get the cork back in!!!"
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