Cowboy Wisdom

• If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
• Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
• It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
• Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
• Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.
• If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
• Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
• Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
• If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
• When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
• The best way to have a quiche for dinner is to make it up and put it in the oven to bake at 325 degrees. Meanwhile, get out a large T-bone, grill it, and when it's done, eat it. As for the quiche, continue to let it bake, but otherwise ignore it.
• There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
• Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.
• Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
• The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
• Never miss a good chance to shutup.

Bumper Stickers from Around the World

• "I love cats...they taste just like chicken"
• "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
• "I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...."
• "If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
• "He who laughs last thinks slowest"
• "Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
• "Cover me.I'm changing lanes."
• "As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"
• "The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."
• "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"
• "I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
• "When there's a will, I want to be in it!"
• "Few women admit their age, Few men act it! "
• "I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"
• "IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got. "
• "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
• "We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?"
• "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
• "Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
• "Be nice to your kids.They'll choose your nursing home."
• "Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"
• "I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles."
• "Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."

More Confucius

• Man who keep feet firmly on the ground have trouble putting on pants.
• If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.
• Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.
• He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.
• Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand.
• Couple on seven-day honeymoon make whole week.
• Girl who sit on jockey's lap get hot tip.
• Girl who sit on judge's lap get honorable discharge.
• Girl who go camping must beware of evil intent.
• Man who stand on street corner with hands in pockets, not feeling crazy -- feeling nuts.
• Squirrel who run up woman's leg not find nuts.
• He who run behind bus get exhausted.
• Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
• He who fish in other's hole often catch crabs.

If I am ever a Hero's Sidekick

• I will not assume that I know what's going on.
• If I go anywhere for rest and relaxation, I will not take the hero along with me.
• I'll tell the hero HE can go into town for the information, while I watch the camp.
• I will realize that I do have a life of my own.
• I will realize that the Hero is going to get me killed, if I am not careful. That he avenges my death because he feels guilty about this is not something that will make me happy.
• I will be very quiet. I will not act boisterous and draw attention to myself. The probability of getting killed is much higher if the enemy knows who I am.
• If I am tasked to carry this very important message, I will make copies and use FedEx to get them to their destination.
• I will accept the fact that I am not the Hero and the sexual advances made towards me by the beautiful captured spy is a lure to kill me and escape.
• If I am the town drunk, I should stay the town drunk and happily live out the next 40 years instead of getting killed by cleaning myself up.
• If I am a noted warrior, I am still allowed to wear clothing with sleeves.
• My shirt is allowed to be buttoned.
• If my partner is named Dirty Harry, I should realize that there is a reason for that and ask for a transfer.
• If my partner is Don Johnson, I can do the world a favor.
• I will adapt a skill at pattern recognition. If the last 4 sidekicks have died gruesomely, so will I.

You Know You're From California When...

• The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.
• You were born somewhere else.
• You know how to eat an artichoke.
• The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.
• Your car has bulletproof windows.
• Left is right and right is wrong.
• Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.
• Your mouse has only one ball.
• You need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up.
• You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.
• You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it.
• You drive to your neighborhood block party.
• Your family tree contains "significant others".
• Your cat has it's own psychiatrist.
• You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.
• You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.
• More than clothes come out of the closets.
• When "the Dead" are best live.
• You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.
• Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.
• More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.
• Smoking in your office is not optional.
• You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.
• When you can't schedule a meeting because you must "do lunch".
• Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.
• Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.
• You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hottub repairman.
• You consult your horoscope before planning your day.
• A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.
• When all highways into the state say: "no fruits".
• All highways out of the state say: "Go back".

Famous Last Words

• You'll be perfectly safe behind this lead shield
• That's not smoke, that's steam
• Of course it's sterile
• We should have enough gas to make it to higher ground
• The IRS expects you to cheat. Everybody does it !
• It's so tame, you can put your head in its mouth
• Relax, I can get ya outta this easy. No sweat !
• It was fresh just last week
• These are the safe kind of mushrooms
• It should be OK to swim in
• He's been a perfectly safe driver, ever since the accident
• My wife's not at all jealous. We have an "open" marriage
• Clip the red wire first
• These Jury trials never last more than a day or so
• It's unplugged, go ahead and remove the cover
• It's OK to format this disk
• They don't bother tourists, their economy depends on us
• It's supposed to make that noise
• That law's been on the book for years; they don't even enforce it
• It doesn't look like the bridge is out
• Besides, they only attack when they're hungry
• The boss won't mind; anyway, he'll never know
• It shouldn't take long to reach the Airport from here
• I'm sure I turned my lights off
• I bet I can fit in there
• The law requires regular safety inspections, don't worry
• Hey! Relax! I've done this hundreds of times
• That's only a puddle, go ahead, keep driving
• He's bluffing ! That's a toy gun
• Don't worry, I'm always bringing people home for dinner
• Let me assure you, this operation is routine
• Those warning labels are only to avoid lawsuits
• I've seen it done on TV HUNDREDS of times