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Crush, Lust, or Love

Q: Whats the difference between a crush, lust, and love?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling!

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	():school humor (1428): This'll Keep you occupied

Posted by Jeff R. Snow on 11-Aug-2005

This'll Keep you occupied

This is a real joke

(It's in Morse code)

- .... . ..-. .. --. .-.. . .- ..-. .- --. ..- -.-- --. --- . ... - --- .- -.-. --- ... - ..- -- . ... .... --- .--. .- -. -.. ... .- -.-- ... .----. .. .----. -- --. --- .. -. --. - --- .- -.-. --- ... - ..- -- . .--. .- .-. - -.-- .- ... .- -.. .- -- .- -. -.. .. -. . . -.. .- ..-. .. --. .-.. . .- ..-. .-.-.- .----. - .... . --. .. .-. .-.. -... .-. .. -. --. ... --- ..- - .- ..-. .. --. .-.. . .- ..-. .-.-.- .... . ... .- -.-- ... --..-- .----. -. --- - -... .. --. . -. --- ..- --. .... .-.-.- .----. ... .... . -... .-. .. -. --. ... --- ..- - .- -... .. --. --. . .-. --- -. . .-.-.- .... . ... .- -.-- ... --..-- .----. ... - .. .-.. .-.. -. --- - -... .. --. . -. --- ..- --. .... .-.-.- .----. ... .... . -... .-. .. -. --. ... --- ..- - .- .... ..- --. . ..-. .. --. .-.. . .- ..-. .-.-.- .... . ... .- -.-- ... --..-- .----. ... - .. .-.. .-.. -. --- - -... .. --. . -. --- ..- --. .... .-.-.- .----. ... .... . ... .- -.-- ... --..-- .----. .-.. .. ... - . -. --..-- .- -.-. . --..-- .-- .... -.-- -.. --- -. .----. - -.-- --- ..- .--- ..- ... - - .... .-. --- .-- .. - --- ...- . .-. -.-- --- ..- .-. ... .... --- ..- .-.. -.. . .-. .- -. -.. --. --- .- ... .- --. .- ... --- .-.. .. -. . .--. ..- -- .--. ..--.. .----.

2 people have rated this joke:

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	():school humor (1428): 15 Pet Peeves Of Morticians

Posted by Andrew Strain on 12-Aug-2005

15 Pet Peeves Of Morticians

15 Pet Peeves Of Morticians...

Best make-up artist in the world, but your models never make the cover of Cosmo.

No moth, no Jodie Foster -- just leaves, dirt, and regular dead folks.

Only 3 hits this month on the "World O' Coffins" web site.

Tough to convince anyone to let you place bodies in action poses.

Ask any chem prof what happens when you mix embalming fluid and breast implants... WHAMMO!

Working alone late at night inevitably results in an extreme attack of "the willies."

Hard to close the lid on Eroto-Asphyxiation victims.

Embalming fluid bottle looks an *awful* lot like Colt 45 bottle.

Toe tag paper cuts.

The wife keeps asking if you could bring a little more rigor mortis home, if you know what I mean.

Nobody visits your booth at junior high "Career Days."

Every time Keith Richards gets mistakenly hauled in, it costs *us* money.

At Thanksgiving, no one even TOUCHES your giblet gravy.

Constant complaints of, "But he looks like Michael Jackson!"

and the Number 1 Pet Peeve Of Morticians...

Dying in each other's arms may sound romantic, but once rigor mortis sets in, it just means overtime.

1 people have rated this joke:

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	():school humor (1428): You know you are a teacher if...

Posted by L H. D on 12-Aug-2005

You know you are a teacher if...

You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
You find humor in other people's stupidity.
You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free."
You believe chocolate is a food group.
You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
You believe "Shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card.
You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.
When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.
You have no life between August to June.
When you mention "Vegetables" you're not talking about a food group.
You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
You believe in aerial spraying of Prozak.
You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years.
You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would "Never DREAM" of doing your job.
You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
You know you are in for a major project when a parent says "I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun."
You want to choke a person when he or she says "Oh, you must have such FUN everyday. This must be like playtime for you."
Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question "Why is this kid like this?"

1 people have rated this joke:

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	():school humor (1428): Flat chested no longer!

Posted by Sarah Rebeca on 13-Aug-2005

Flat chested no longer!

A flat-chested woman was delighted when her fairy-god mother said her breasts would increase in size each time a man says, "Pardon" to her.

She walked down the sidewalk, accidentally bumped into a man and he said, "Pardon me." Her breasts instantly grew an inch and she was ecstatic. The next day, she bumped into a man in the grocery store, he begged her pardon and another inch was added to her breasts. She was in seventh heaven!

She walked into a Chinese restaurant, collided with a waiter who bowed and said, "A tousund pardons fo my crumsy behavre."

The next day, the headline in the local newspaper says, "Chinese Waiter Crushed to Death!"

1 people have rated this joke:

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	():school humor (1428): Ketchup and Liquor

Posted by Andreza M. Chaves on 13-Aug-2005

Ketchup and Liquor

Whenever I say something you say:
ketchup and liquor

What did you have for breakfast?
ketchup and liquor

What did you have for lunch?
ketchup and liquor

What did you have for dinner?
ketchup and liquor

What do you do when you see a woman?
ketchup and liquor (catch up and lick her)

1 people have rated this joke:

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