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| Posted by sarah simone on 14-Aug-2005 | Darwin Strikes AgainPolice in George, WA issued a report on the events leading up to the deaths of Ro`ert Uhlenake (24) and his friend, Ormond D. Young (27) at the Metallica concert last Friday. Uhlenake and Young were found dead at the Gorge Amphitheater after the show. Uhlenake was in pickup that was on top of Young at the bottom of a 20 ft drop. Young was found with severe lacerations, numerous fractures, contusions, and a branch in his anal cavity. He also had been stabbed and his pants were in a tree above him, some 15 ft off the ground; adding to the mystery of the heretofore unexplained scene.
According to Commissioner-In-Charge Inoye Appleton, Uhlenake and Young had tried to get tickets for the sold-out concert. When they were unable to get any tickets, the two decided to stay in the lot and drink. Once the show began, and after the two had consumed 18 beers between the two of them, they hit upon the idea of scaling the 7 foot wooden security fence around the perimeter of the site and sneak in. They apparently moved the truck up to the edge of the fence and decided that Young would go over first and assist Uhlenake later.
They had not counted on the fact that while it was a 7 foot fence on the parking lot side, there was a 23 foot drop on the other side. Young, who weighed 255 lbs and was quite inebriated, had jumped up and over the fence and promptly fell about half the 23 foot distance before a large tree branch broke his fall AND his left forearm; unfortunately, he also managed to get his shorts caught on the branch. Since he was now in a lot of pain and with no way to extricate himself and his shorts from the tree, he decided, seeing bushes down below, to cut his shorts off and fall to the ground. Upon cutting the last bit of fabric from himself, he suddenly plummeted to earth, losing grip of the knife.
The "soft" bushes were actually holly bushes and landing in them caused a massive number of cuts. He also had the misfortune of landing squarely on a holly bush branch; effectively impaling himself. The knife, which he had accidentally released 15 ft up, now landed and stabbed him in his left thigh. Apparently, he was in a lot of pain. Enter his friend Robert. Uhlenake had apparently observed the last bit of this and, despite his inebriated state, realized that Young was in trouble. He hit upon the idea of lowering a rope to his friend and pull him up and over the fence.
This was complicated by the fact that Uhlenake was outweighed by his friend `y a good 100 lbs. Again, despite his state he realized he could use their truck to pull Young out. Unfortunately, because of his state, Uhlenake put the truck in reverse, rather than drive, broke through the fence, landed on Young (killing him), was thrown out of the truck and subsequently died of internal injuries. "So that's how a dead 255 lb man with no pants on, with a truck on top of him and a stick up his ass came to be" said Commissioner Appleton.
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| Posted by Fasty F. Fasty on 14-Aug-2005 | Sightings of the StupidSighting #1: I was busy writing some computer program for one of my classes and my roommate asked me if he could use my coffee maker. I said, "sure." The next thing I hear is, "Hey, where do you put the coffee?" I turn to see that he has filled the filter basket with water and is (unsuccessfully) trying to keep the water in the basket by plugging the hole at the bottom with his finger. He and the floor are both covered with water.
Sighting #2: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."
Sighting #3: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing DRIVING???"
Sighting #4: At a goodbye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to "rightsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.
Sighting #5: I worked with an Induhvidual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.
Sighting #6 (a rare "double sighting"): A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they'd take up less room. When he told me I was with another friend. She thought it was a good idea too.
Sighting #7 (from Tech Support): Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?" Induhvidual: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"
Sighting #8 (from Tech Support): Induhvidual: Now what do I do? Tech Support: What is the prompt on the screen? Induhvidual: It's asking for "Enter Your Last Name." Tech Support: Okay, so type in your last name. Induhvidual: How do you spell that?
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| Posted by Heavenly on 14-Aug-2005 | Actual EventsThese are actual events that took place in our bizarre world. Enjoy! Custom officials in Peru became suspicious of a man and asked him to open a suitcase he had checked on a flight to Prague. Inside, they found 17 monkeys, 10 turtles, five dwarf crocodiles, two snakes and a lizard.
A Pensacola, Florida woman called police and indignantly complained that the two rocks of crack she'd bought were fake and, in fact, tasted just like baking soda. A helpful officer tested the drugs and determined it was real crack-so the woman was arrested for possession. The assistant to the police chief said, " I guess stranger things have happened, but I personally have never seen them."
A Buenos Aires police officer was hanging out with his girlfriend when a man on horseback approached and asked for a match. "I'm sorry, but I don't have one," said the officer. The guy on horseback must have really wanted a cigarette because he took out a gun and shot the officer in the chest.
A man armed with a beer bottle abducted a cat and demanded a Tickle Me Elmo Doll as ransom. The suspect picked up the cat from the front lawn and banged at the front door ofthe house. A woman opened the door and was shocked to see her cat being held hostage. "I had never seen this man," the cat owner later said, "and I told him I don't have his doll." The man then took the cat to his car and yelled: "If you want your cat back, gimme Elmo." The abductor and the cat are still missing.
Cops in Allentown, PA discovered that a man who was arrested at the bus station with 280 small bags of heroin in his luggage had chewed the skin off of seven of his fingertips after being jailed. A police sergeant noted that, "this is certainly a strong indication that somebody somewhere is looking for him."
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| Posted by Antonio J. Lopez on 14-Aug-2005 | 1994's Most Bizarre SuicideAt the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for Forensic Science, AAFS President Don Harper Mills astounded his audience in San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death.
Here is the story. "On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound of the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency).
As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter no the decedent was aware that a safety net had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window washers and that Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide anyway because of this."
"Ordinarily," Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended. That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to homicide. But the fact that his suicidal intent would not have been successful caused the medical examiner to feel that he had homicide on his hands.
"The room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing and he was threatening her with the shotgun. He was so upset that, when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the a window striking Opus. "When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with this charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her - therefore, the killing of Opus appeared to be an accident. That is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.
"The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal incident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus. There was an exquisite twist. "Further investigation revealed that the son had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder.
This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a ninth story window. [Yup, the son was Ronald Opus] "The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide."
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| Posted by Y James on 14-Aug-2005 | The Missing Lawn Ornament(true story)
A little old Lady from here in Tampa, called the Police some time in Mid Sept, and reported that one of her Lawn ornaments,(A painted Cement Duck), was stolen from her lawn. Rather distressed, she felt that she had to make the report, to have it known that there are thieving vandals in the area. Police noted the report, and let it slide.
Two weeks later, the Lady received a letter in the mail, written in the standard ransom note format, cut out letters, etc. But enclosed in the Letter were several Pictures.... of her Lawn ornament. The Cement Duck was dressed in a Leigh (Hawaiian Flower necklace type) with sunglasses and a Alcoholic Beverage. It was poised on a beach, with towels, and sunscreen, right near a sign that stated Wai-ki-ki beach.
The ransom note, not really a ransom note at all, Read: Having a good time, wish you were here
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| Posted by Savannah S. David on 14-Aug-2005 | True Radio ContestThis occurred on WGN radio last week. They have a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win a holiday to Bali.
Last week the competition went like this:
Presenter: Good Morning its WGN, do you want to play the game?
John: Yeah, sure.
Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?
John: Ohhh, dude. Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning. Right after I finished lifting weights.
Presenter: And how long did it go?
John: Orrrrr .... about 10 minutes.
Presenter: 10 minutes ? Good one. And where did you do it?
John: Ohhhh, I can't say that.
Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here John!
John: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.
Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one John, now is it O.K. for us to call your girlfriend?
John: Yeah, all right
Presenter: Hi Jen, how are you ?
Jen: Hi. Good thanks.
Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got John on the other line, say hello.
Jen: Hi John.
John: Hi Jen.
Presenter: Now Jen, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked John and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.
John: Just tell the truth Honey.
Jen: O.K.
Presenter: Jen, when was the last time you had sex?
Jen: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.
John: Jen, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.
Jen: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before John went to work.
Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question. How long did it go Jen?
Jen: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... John was just being a gentleman.
Presenter: O.K. Jen, final question. Where did you do it?
Jen: Oh no I can't say that. My mom could be listening. No way, no.
Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.
John: Jen, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway .. just tell em.
Jen: Ohhhh .... all right .... up the butt!
Radio Silence
Advert
Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we're going live here, and sometimes these things happen. We've given John and Jen the Vacation. Now we'll take a music break.
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