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| Posted by KissyFace on 13-Aug-2005 | Dave Barry Turns 50'WORDS OF WISDOM AT THE HALF CENTURY MARK'
From the book, 'Dave Barry Turns 50'
1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe 'Daylight Saving Time'.
3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.
5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
6. A penny saved is worthless.
7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.
8. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.
10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
11. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness'.
12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out 'THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT', and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out 'SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT'. Then the next time, it spits out 'FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT'. And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.
14. Nobody is normal.
15. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce: -the universe is even bigger than they thought! -there are even more subatomic particles than they thought! -whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.
16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings'.
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
18. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example: -If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical; -If the advertisement strongly suggests that Nike shoes enable athletes to perform amazing feats, Nike wants you to disregard the fact that shoe brand is unrelated to athletic ability; -If Budweiser runs an elaborate advertising campaign stressing the critical importance of a beer's 'born-on' date, Budweiser knows this factor has virtually nothing to do with how good a beer tastes.
And so on. On those rare occasions when advertising dares to poke fun at the product - as in the classic Volkswagen Beetle campaign - it's because the advertiser actually thinks the product is pretty good. If a politician ever ran for president under a slogan such as 'Harlan Frubert: Basically, He Wants Attention', I would quit my job to work for his campaign.
19. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
20. You should not confuse your career with your life.
21. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
22. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
23. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
24. Your friends love you anyway.
25. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
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| Posted by Mallory A. Sharon on 13-Aug-2005 | Andy Rooney QuotesAds In Bills: Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank You."
Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
Cripes: My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' who would that be, Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen'. You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
Prisons: Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
Award Shows: Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of commercials. I taped it. Then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.
Phone-In-Polls: You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know". It costs 90 cents to call up and vote... They're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into Phone) I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) "Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95/min. to say "I'm not in the mood."
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| Posted by Mike Nichols on 13-Aug-2005 | A few musings and bemusings:Utility companies tend to serve their clientele as regional monopolies. A similar system is used by drug gangs and Mafia families, but with better customer service.
Emphasis is not a substitute for reasoned argument -- Jesse Jackson, please take note.
Hunger is the best sauce -- but a nice curry comes close.
I do not look to rock musicians for moral and spiritual guidance for the same reason that I do not look to clergymen for three chords and a 4/4 beat.
The German government recently announced that, fifty-two years after the end of World War II, it would try to cut off pensions to Nazi war criminals. Boy, it's all in the timing, isn't it?
Dennis Rodman has said that he wants to play his last NBA game completely naked. I just hope he doesn't do much dribbling.
I did on one occasion commit free verse, but it was ruled justifiable and I was acquitted.
There is no right answer when a woman asks you "Do I look fat?" If you say "no" she will think that you are lying to spare her feelings, conclude she is fat, and hate you. If you say "yes" U.S. Marshals will find the bloody shreds of your body spread over three states. Feign death until she loses interest and wanders away.
New Yorkers deserve each other.
Many people have suggested to Ted Kennedy that he should be more like his brother John. In my opinion, Ted needs that like a hole in the head.
Who-Gives-A-Rat's-[CENSORED] Department: According to a Reuters news report, the airport at Ernesto Cortissoz, Columbia, was shut down for almost an hour on September 5th when a rat relieved itself on a high-power cable, causing a short circuit and countless air-travel delays. The rat has since received employment offers from several major airlines.
I am considering applying for employment with the IRS. Given the common perception of an adversarial relationship between the IRS and taxpaying public, it's always nice to be on the winning side.
Under heavy Senate questioning, an aide to vice-president Al Gore categorically denied that the veep's now-infamous visit to the Hsi Lai Temple was a fundraiser. Hearings were then recessed to allow the aide's nose to shrink back to its original size.
A small child is the most effective birth-control device known to man.
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():funny quotes (263): More predictions of life in the Year 2000 |
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| Posted by Ivy M. Oberlander on 13-Aug-2005 | More predictions of life in the Year 2000FOOD
By the year 2000, everybody will carry his little gaseous tablets, his little
ball of fatty matter.
-- M. Berthelot,
Strand magazine, 1901
By 2000, sawdust and wood pulp will be converted into sugary foods. Discarded table linen and rayon underwear will be bought by chemical factories and converted into candy.
? John Smith,
Science Digest, 1967
POLITICS
One can only smile at the thought of England and the United States planning for the year 2000. They will be lucky to survive until 1950.
-- Joseph Goebbels, Nazi propaganda
minister, 1941
ELVIS
By the year 2000, one out of three people will be Elvis impersonators.
-- Michael Sweet, The New York Times, 1991
HOUSEWORK
When the housewife of 2000 cleans house she simply turns the hose on everything. Why not? Furniture, rugs, draperies, unscratch- able floors - all are made of synthetic fabric or waterproof plastic. After the water has run down a drain in the middle of the floor, she turns on a blast of hot air and dries everything.
-- Waldemarr Kaempffert, Popular Mechanics, 1950
ROBOTS
We may wake up each morning to the patter of little feet -- robot feet.
-- Walter Cronkite, Life in 2001, 1967
CANNIBALS
I predict an outburst of cannibalism that will terrorize the population of one of the industrial cities in the state of Pennsylvania -- Pittsburgh!
-- Criswell, Criswell Predicts, 1968
SCHOOL
All the teacher will have to do to bring swift punishment will be to press a button and a current of electricity will shoot through the victim and make him think he is a human pin-cushion.
"Uncle Richard Tells of the Bad Boys of the Year 2000," The
Chicago Tribune, 1900
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():funny quotes (263): "A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't." |
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| Posted by Jennifer M. Talbot on 09-Aug-2005 | "A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't."Rhonda Hansome
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():funny quotes (263): "A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car." |
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| Posted by Joanne Massoud on 09-Aug-2005 | "A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car."Carrie Snow
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