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| Posted by mr piemanmoo on 14-Aug-2005 | Deaf and Mute ParentsA young guy out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his
dreams across the dance floor. Having admired her from afar he
finally gets up the courage to talk to her. Everything goes
better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date
the following Saturday evening. Saturday night the man arrives
at her house with flowers and candy.
To his surprise, she answers the door in nothing but a towel.
"I'm sorry," she exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please come
in and I'll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you
while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you, though, they
are both deaf mutes."
With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to
her parents and promptly disappears. As you can imagine, this is
a little uncomfortable as both of the parents are completely
silent. Dad is sitting in his arm chair watching golf on TV, and
mom is busy knitting.
After about ten minutes of complete silence, mom jumps from her
chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her knickers, and pours a
glass of water over her fanny. Just as suddenly, dad launches
himself across the room, bends her over the couch, and takes her
from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and balances a
match stick in front of his eye. The room is plunged back into
eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief.
Ten minutes later, the daughter returns fully dressed and ready
for the evening. The date is a complete disaster with the young
man completely distracted by the ongoings earlier in the living
room.
At the end of the night, the girl asks, "What's the matter? Have
I done something wrong?" "No, it's not you," he replied, "It's
just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for
you and I am still a bit shocked. First your mother jumps from
her chair, lifts up her skirt, pulls down her panties, and
throws a glass of water over her behind. Then, as if that
weren't enough, your father races from his chair, leans her over
the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down and
places a match stick by his eye."
"Oh, is that all?" replies the girl.
The man can't believe her casual response.
"That's how they communicate! Mom was simply saying, 'Are you
going to get this asshole a drink?' and dad replied, 'No, fuck
him. I'm watching the match.'"
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| Posted by William Cash on 14-Aug-2005 | Things To Do In An Elevator1) When there's only one other person in the elvator, tap them
on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile,
and go back for more.
3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the
wrong ones.
4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they
know what floor your on.
5) Hold the doors open and say your saiting for a friend. After
a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day
been?"
6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then
scream, "That's mine!"
7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on,
ask if they have an apointment.
9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to
play.
10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask
them if they can hear ticking.
11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency
procedures and exits with the passengers.
12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"
13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay,
don't panic, they open again!"
15) Swat at flies that don't exist.
16) Tell people that you can see their aura.
17) Call out, "Group Hig!"and then enforce it.
18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and
muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering
inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the
wall, without getting off.
21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in
horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other
passengers.
23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then
announce, "I have new socks on".
26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to
the other passnegers, "This is MY personal space!"
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| Posted by Nadia Issa on 14-Aug-2005 | Jesus is Watching YouLate one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was
empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze
in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching
you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward
again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened.
Frantically,he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a
bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching
me?"
"Yes", said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then asked the parrot,
"What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot", sneered the burglar. "What
idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot replied, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler
Jesus."
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| Posted by Ren R. Renford on 14-Aug-2005 | Skiing TripPeter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up
Peter's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few
hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into
a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house
if they could spend the night.
"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the
neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Peter said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the
barn."
Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's attorney.
He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you
remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to
the house and have sex with her?"
"Yes, I have to admit that I did."
"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."
"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"
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| Posted by Laura Muraska on 14-Aug-2005 | Uneasy WishesA mafia king is lying on his sick bed when he calls in one of his godsons.
"Mikey, get over here," he says, "before I go, I gotta ask you to do me
one favor." "Yes, godfather, anything you ask me I'll do, I worship you
more than anything!"
"OK!" says the old man, "I want you to go to the bathroom and jerk off!"
Feeling uneasy the boy says, "I don't know, it is embarassing." The
old man says, "Who raised you as if you were my kid huh, you can't do it
for me?" The youngster agrees and does the deed, he comes back and says,
"OK I did it." The old man says, "One more request, do it again!" The
boy looks and says, "Why? I just did?" The old man says, "Who gave you
money, clothes, girls, huh? you can't do this little thing for me?" The
boy agrees and goes to do it. He comes back sweating and says "OK,
done!" "One last request, do it one last time! " says the old man. "I
don't understand, why?" says the boy. "Don't ask, Can't you grant a dying
man his last wish?" The boy goes and does it again, he comes back
crawling, barely able to talk, "OK I did it again, but please no more, I
got no more left! "Good!" says the old man, he hands him car keys and
says, "Now drive to the airport and pick up my daughter!"
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| Posted by FISHORDRINKBEER on 14-Aug-2005 | Speed TrapA man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from
Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before
the mountains justbecame too much and he could go no farther. He
stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single
person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and
offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car.
The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the
highway and tied it to his bumper.
He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he
was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he
would slow down. Everything went fine for the first 30 miles.
Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone,
the Corvette pulling the biketook off after the other. A short
distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120
mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the
speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that
he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then
relayed, "...and you're not going to believe this, there is a
guy on a bike honking his horn trying to pass....
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