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| Posted by L Y on 13-Aug-2005 | Dear AbbyExcerpts taken from real letters sent to 'Dear Abby'
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Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?-- Curious
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Dear Abby,
I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
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Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
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Dear Abby,
I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
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Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
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Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
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Dear Abby,
My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
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Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
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Dear Abby,
Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it.
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Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.
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Dear Abby,
Then you told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he is a doctor.
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Dear Abby,
My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd like? -- Carol
Dear Carol,
Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie.
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Dear Abby,
Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early? -- Wondering
Dear Wondering,
The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget it.
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Dear Abby,
I know boys will be boys, but my 'boy' is seventy-three and he's still chasing women. Any suggestions? -- Annie
Dear Annie,
Don't worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it.
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Dear Abby,
I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions? -- Sam
Dear Sam,
Yes. Run for public office.
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Dear Abby,
What inspires you most to write? -- Ted
Dear Ted,
The Bureau of Internal Revenue.
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Dear Abby,
I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits.-- Rose
Dear Rose,
So would I.
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Dear Abby,
What's the difference between a wife and a mistress? -- Bess
Dear Bess,
Night and day.
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3 people have rated this joke: |
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():nerd jokes (650): Klein bottle for rent - inquire within.... |
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| Posted by yazziegurl on 07-Aug-2005 | Klein bottle for rent - inquire within....Klein bottle for rent - inquire within.
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1 people have rated this joke: |
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():nerd jokes (650): There is no difference between theory and... |
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| Posted by dawn whispers on 07-Aug-2005 | There is no difference between theory and...There is no difference between theory and practice in theory, but there is
often a great deal of difference between theory and practice in practice.
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4 people have rated this joke: |
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():nerd jokes (650): Top 12 things likely to be overheard if you... |
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| Posted by barbara coleman on 07-Aug-2005 | Top 12 things likely to be overheard if you...Top 12 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon
Programmer
- "Specifications are for the weak and timid!"
- "This machine is a piece of gagh! I need dual Pentium processors
if I am to do battle with this code!"
- "You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in
the original Klingon."
- "Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your
skull!"
- "What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software
'releases'. Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of
designers and quality assurance people in its wake."
- "Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have
'arguments' - and they always win them."
- "Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle
the weak."
- "I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth
contest. They will not concern us again."
- "A true Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!"
- "By filing this bug report you have challenged the honor of my
family... Prepare to die!"
- "You question the worthiness of my code?
I should kill you where you stand!"
- "Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it!
Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!"
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5 people have rated this joke: |
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():nerd jokes (650): Bad Day at the Office (True Story) |
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| Posted by Andrew Bruno on 14-Aug-2005 | Bad Day at the Office (True Story)You thought you had a bad day at the office....
A true story...
A professional scuba diver's letter to his sister...
April, 1998
Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.
This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened to me.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast. Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My ass crack was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the comms. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he along with 5 other divers were laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing water stops totaling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface.
I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it up my ass when I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my asshole was swollen shut. I later found out that this could easily have been prevented if the suction hose was placed on the leeward side of the ship.
Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope that thought will make it a little more tolerable. Take care, and I hope to hear from you soon.
Love, Brian
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| Posted by Laurie Hiestand on 12-Aug-2005 | Siamese Twins in EnglandWhy did the Siamese twins move to England?
So the other one could drive.
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