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():funny quotes (263): "Death is every man's final critic.
To die... |
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| Posted by Danelle L. Sandella on 07-Aug-2005 | "Death is every man's final critic.
To die..."Death is every man's final critic.
To die well you must live bravely."
- Edward Abbey
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():funny quotes (263): "Our struggle today is not to have a female... |
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| Posted by CoCa_CoLa_13 on 07-Aug-2005 | "Our struggle today is not to have a female..."Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as
an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as
quickly promoted as a male schlemiel."
- Bella Abzug
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():funny quotes (263): "If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-... |
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| Posted by Adam K. Simpson on 07-Aug-2005 | "If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-..."If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find
that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one
of them would know the theme song from the 'Beverly Hillbillies'."
- Dave Barry
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| Posted by Dave Mcdonald on 14-Aug-2005 | Bumper StickersHorn broken. Watch for finger.
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
All generalizations are false.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
I brake for no apparent reason.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.
Born free...Taxed to death.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Rehab is for quitters.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
Montana-At least our cows are sane!
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a
vegetarian.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt-in case heaven is like
the IRS..
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
No radio - Already stolen.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its
students.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be
happy.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
I subport publik edjekashun.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who
can't.
Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Keep honking...I'm reloading.
Caution: I drive like you do.
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| Posted by holly on 14-Aug-2005 | Quotes. . . .- Some mornings, it just ain't worth chewing through the leather
straps.
- Chaos, panic, and disorder; my job is done here.
- Few women admit their age, even fewer men act theirs.
- Oh, wait, sorry, I didn't mean to look interested.
- DAMMIT, YOU'RE STILL TALKING?!
- Sex on the television can't hurt you . . . unless you fall off.
- Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
- Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
- I went to hell, it was full, so I came back.
- Ya know what, it really don't matter if I win or lose, just as
long as I piss you off in the process.
- Pissed off? Hey, it's better than being pissed on.
- I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my
grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the people in his
car.
- I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
- It's not an optical illusion, it just looks that way.
- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
- We're born naked, wet, and hungry. . . .then things get worse.
- God bless America. But, God, please help Canada.
- Hey, the light at the end of that tunnel may be an oncoming
train.
- Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs
louder.
- Love thine enemies...it REALLY pisses them off.
- Friends come and go, but enemies seem to accumulate.
- You can only be young once, but you can be immature FOREVER!.
- Gravity sucks.
- There are few problems that cannot be solved with the usage of
high explosives.
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| Posted by Jay Leenerts on 14-Aug-2005 | Rodney Dangerfield One-LinersI was so poor growing up ... If I wasn't born a boy,
I would have had nothing to play with.
A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on
over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me.
Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
One day as I came home early from work.... I saw a guy
jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?"
He said, "Because you came home early."
I was such an ugly kid... When I played in the sandbox the
cat kept covering me up.
I'm so ugly... My father carries around the picture of the
kid who came with his wallet.
When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting
room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything
we could ... but he pulled through."
I'm so ugly... My mother had morning sickness - after I was born.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece
of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him
to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think
we'll ever find them? He said, "I don't know kid ...
there are so many places they can hide."
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I'm so ugly... I worked in a pet shop and people kept
asking how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor "Doctor, every morning when I get
up and look in the mirror ... I feel like throwing up.
What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your
eyesight is perfect."
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