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| Posted by Robster on 14-Aug-2005 | Deep Thoughts- If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em
go, because, man, they're gone.
- I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without
hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd
never expect it.
- To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something
when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you
give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
- If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult
operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is,
"Can't you make it shoot farther?" "No, I'm sorry. That's as far
as it shoots."
- I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not
our children's children, because I don't think children should
be having sex.
- If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the
mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
- To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no
choreography and the dancers hit each other.
- Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just
call them "impressions," and if you got a different
"impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?
- Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some
sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
- I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so
bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few
years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
- I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate
revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up
to him real quick and hand it to him.
- If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else
flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye
contact.
- It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money.
And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting
there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
- Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy
looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I
guess that's like a regular window.
- If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor
people, like I am now.
- When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was
call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it
up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had
deer horns.
- I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and
whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a
larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one,
except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint,
because he had whittled off the paint.
- If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your
horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and
he guy was reading a magazine.
- If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I
think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the
vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're
serious about adopting the vulture.
- Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they
believe me?
- If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep,
and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends
and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I
don't know what to tell you.
- One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is,
don't run with a wooden stake.
- For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why
not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
- Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we
are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire
and nobody got scared.
- I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because
then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.
- If by some occurrence you find yourself falling of the CN
Tower, Just let yourself go limp. If some people see you falling
they may try to catch you thinking, "hey, free dummy!"
- Why is the dove the symbol for peace. Why not the pillow? It
has more feathers and it doesn't have that dangerous beak!
- If some guy asked me the meaning of Love, I'd pin his arm up
behind his back and say..."Now look who's asking the Questions!"
- The funny thing about a person driving off a cliff is that
they probably have their foot on the break. Hey, why not try the
emergency brake?
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| Posted by alison robichaux on 14-Aug-2005 | The Eighteen BottlesI had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to
empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else... I
said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the
sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the
cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception
of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third
bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the
cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the
glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and
drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the
sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I
corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand,
counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were
twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I
had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under tha
affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as
you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker
I stand here, the longer I get.
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| Posted by Chantise J. hunt on 14-Aug-2005 | One Liners1. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
2. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
3. For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
4. I used up all my sick days so I'm calling in dead.
5. There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
6. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
7. A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
8. If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
9. If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
10. If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
11. Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
12. Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
13. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
14. My software never has bugs; it just develops random features.
15. C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
16. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
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| Posted by Rachel sutton on 14-Aug-2005 | The Best Thing...Three old men were talking about the best thing that could happen to them
at that time of life.
The 80 year old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is to be
able to have a good pee. I just stand there and it dribbles and hurts, and
I have to go over and over again."
The 85 year old said, "The best thing could happen to me is if I could
have a good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my
hands on and it is still a problem."
The 90 year old man said, "That's not my problem, every morning at 6:00AM
sharp I have a good long pee and at 6:30AM sharp I have a great bowel
movement. The best thing that could happen to me is if I could wake up
before 7:00AM."
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| Posted by Cher_94 on 14-Aug-2005 | Fun Things to do in an Elevator- To a man, say "Joe, how have you been?", and carry on a
conversation with him like you've known him forever.
- Introduce yourself as Ochenga-Wangaa The great chief and begin
telling stories of your native island.
- Wave hands wildly at invisible flies buzzing around your head.
- Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
- Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering:
"Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut UP!"
- Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World"
incessantly.
- On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of
the elevator.
- Shave.
- Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside
ask: "Got enough air in there?"
- Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear
yours upside-down.
- Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall,
without getting off.
- When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the
doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
- Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake
and ask them to call you Admiral.
- On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it
stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go
"plink" at the bottom.
- Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then
announce: "I've got new socks on!"
- When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh,
not now, damn motion sickness!"
- Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
- Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
- Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
- Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing
buttons.
- Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
- Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
- Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're
one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
- Leave a box between the doors.
- Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for
them.
- Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers
"through" it.
- Start a sing-along.
- When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your
beeper?"
- Play the harmonica.
- Shadow box.
- Say "Ding!" at each floor.
- Lean against the button panel.
- Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
- Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
- Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to
the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
- Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host
body."
- Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
- Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
- Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
- If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
- Before you push a button, stare at it and say: OK, Raymond...
LetBs go!
- Draw a chalk outline of a person on the floor. When the other
passengers enter, say, "Poor Danny, he was my best friend."
- Say, "See? That's the noise it made just before it fell last
time!"
- Push all the buttons when people get on and say you can't
decide which floor to go on.
- While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper,"hide
it...quick!" then whistle innocently.
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| Posted by Megan S. Renner on 14-Aug-2005 | The 10-Year-Old BoyA salesman knocks on the door of a suburban house.
It's opened by a 10-year-old boy dressed in a cape that trails
along the floor behind him. On his head, he's wearing a large
tophat. In one hand, he holds a huge glass of brandy and in the
other, a remote control. In his mouth is a smoking cigar.
"Mom and Dad in?" asks the salesman.
The boy replies, "Does it fucking look like it?"
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