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| Posted by chrissy on 09-Aug-2005 | DefinatelyNursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue."
The teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be grey, or orange..."
Second little boy says..."Trees are definitely green"
The teacher replies, "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:
"Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says..."
Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."
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| Posted by Yanie on 09-Aug-2005 | BedpanA young man visited his sister who was married to a farmer in a poor district of the country.
Since there were limited accommodations, he was required to sleep with his young nephew.
When the young man came into the bedroom, he saw the little boy kneeling at the side of the bed with his head bowed. Thinking this was the child's religious upbringing, he decided to present a good example and kneeled at the other side of the bed with his head bowed.
The child looked up and said, "Whatcha doin'?"
"Why, the same thing you're doing", replied the uncle.
"Ma's gonna be mad", said the boy.
"The bedpan??™s on this side".
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| Posted by fantase on 09-Aug-2005 | Uncle TedOne day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story that ends with a moral, so there's a lesson to be learned. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raises her hand. My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road. When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Little Lucy went next. My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched. Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
Next up was little Johnny. My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands.
The teacher was completely shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. Well, Johnny replied, "Don't fight with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking!"
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| Posted by susan on 09-Aug-2005 | School PlayLittle Johnny's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.
Johnny enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part.
"I play a man who's been married for twenty years!", he said cheerfully.
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work! Before you know it, they'll give you a speaking part!"
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| Posted by Donna on 09-Aug-2005 | Mowing The LawnA little Johnny was mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer.
The preacher who lived across the street saw the beer and came over to discipline the child.
"Aren't you a little young to be drinking, son?" he asked.
"Aw, that ain't no big deal", the kid said after taking a swig of beer. "I got a tattoo when I was three".
"What? How did that happen?"
"I don??™t remember. I was drunk!"
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| Posted by Answering machine jokes on 09-Aug-2005 | I Want A BikeLittle Gregory wakes up in the middle of the night feeling alone and scared.
He goes into his mother's room for comfort and he sees his mom standing naked in front of the mirror.
She is rubbing her chest and groaning, "I want a man, I want a man."
Shaking his head in bewilderment, Gregory takes off to bed.
Next night the same thing happens. On the third night, Gregory wakes up and goes into his mom's room but this time there is a man in bed with his mom.
Gregory hoofs back to his room and whips off his pyjamas, rubs his chest and groans " I want a bike, I want a bike."
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