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| Posted by Bluey Dinosaur on 14-Aug-2005 | Degrees Fahrenheit60 California residents put on sweaters (if they can find one)
50 Miami residents turn on the heat
45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts
40 You can see your breath
California residents shiver uncontrollably
Minnesota residents go swimming
35 Italian cars don't start
32 Water freezes
30 You plan your vacation to Australia
25 Ohio water freezes
California residents weep pitiably
Minnesota residents eat ice cream
Canadians go swimming
20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
New York City water freezes
Miami residents plan vacation further South
15 French cars don't start
Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
10 You need jumper cables to get the car going
5 American cars don't start
0 Alaska residents put on T-shirts
-10 German cars don't start
Eyes freeze shut when you blink
-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
Arkansas residents stick tongue on metal objects
Miami residents cease to exist
-20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you
Politicians actually do something about the homeless
Minnesota residents shovel snow off roof
Japanese cars don't start
-25 Too cold to think
You need jumper cables to get the driver going
-30 You plan a two-week hot bath
Swedish cars don't start
-40 California residents disappear
Minnesota residents button top button
Canadians put on sweaters
Your car helps you plan your trip South
-50 Congressional hot air freezes
Alaska residents close the bathroom window
-80 Hell freezes over
Polar bears move South
Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game
AND AT:
-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets....
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| Posted by Matt S on 14-Aug-2005 | ShoppingA man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl
in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked
for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately
began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we
just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It
won't be long."
Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout
for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother
said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and
then we'll be checking out."
When they got to the checkout stand, the little girls immediately began
to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering
there'd be no gum purchased. The mother patiently said, "Monica, we'll
be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home
and have a nice nap."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to
compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with
little Monica," he began.
The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."
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| Posted by Hallie S. Comet on 14-Aug-2005 | Oh So True1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've
never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is
serious.
8. It is easier to beg forgiveness than get permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government
program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need
the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel
good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of
the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three
weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize
a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the
real world
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| Posted by Lethia E. Edmondson on 14-Aug-2005 | Acid's SongSang to the tune of the alphabet
A b c d lsd, teddy bears are chasing me, green ones, red ones,
white ones too, the one behind me's got my shoe. Shit this
stuff's too strong for me, next time I'll just stick with weed.
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| Posted by mr piemanmoo on 14-Aug-2005 | Famous Last Words* It's fireproof.
* He's probably just hibernating.
* What does this button do?
* I'm making a citizen's arrest.
* So, you're a cannibal.
* It's probably just a rash.
* Are you sure the power is off?
* Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?
* The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!
* Pull the pin and count to what?
* Which wire was I supposed to cut?
* I wonder where the mother bear is.
* I've seen this done on TV.
* These are the good kind of mushrooms.
* I'll hold it and you light the fuse.
* Let it down slowly.
* Rat poison only kills rats.
* Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town.
* It's strong enough for both of us.
* This doesn't taste right.
* I can make this light before it changes.
* Nice doggie.
* I can do that with my eyes closed.
* I've done this before.
* Well, we've made it this far.
* That's odd.
* You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you?
* Don't be so superstitious.
* Now watch this.
* What duck?
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| Posted by animal jokes on 14-Aug-2005 | Reneck Family TreeMany many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy.
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!!
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