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| Posted by Justin Lincoln on 14-Aug-2005 | Did You Hear AboutDid you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
How does a spoiled rich girl change a light bulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
"Dam."
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.
What do prisonebs use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese.
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.
What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than a "A bra.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.
Where do you get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep.
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
They have big fingers.
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| Posted by Kevin Polagro on 14-Aug-2005 | Bright FamilyDear Son:
I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last North Carolina family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.... Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love, Mom
P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
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| Posted by A A. A on 14-Aug-2005 | Summer CampsHere's a list of camps you may NOT want to send your kids to:
Tommy Lee's Camp Kickachick
Monica Lewinsky's Camp Suckaweewee
President Clinton's Camp Getahoochie
Ellen DeGeneres's Camp Lickacoochie
Kenneth Star's Camp Catchacrook
O.J. Simpson's Camp Killachick
Lorena Bobbit's Camp Cutaweewee
Tonya Harding's Camp Clubaknee
Susan Smith's Camp Blameabrotha
Pamela Lee's Camp Lottatatas
Michael Jackson's Camp Wannabewhitey
Louis Farakahn's Camp Killawhitey
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| Posted by Benjamin J. Condie on 14-Aug-2005 | Sayings Found On ButtonsRELATIONSHIP BUTTONS
=====================
1. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
2. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
3. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
4. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
GENERAL LIFE
======================
5. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
6. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
7. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
8. Do I look like a freakin' people person?
9. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
OFFICE BUTTONS
==============
10. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
11. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
13. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
GREAT INSULT BUTTONS
=====================
14. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
15. You! Off my planet!
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| Posted by Barbra G. Tompson on 14-Aug-2005 | Nudist ColonyA man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top part.
Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says..... "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style....it makes your nose look too short!"
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| Posted by URBANDEVIL on 14-Aug-2005 | All Purpose Excuse Form....All Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out of the trouble you've gotten yourself into. Whenever there's a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and just go with it. You'll be surprised how effective this form can be if you just let your instincts guide you!
Dear
a) Mom,
b) Dad,
c) love of my life,
d) Assistant Principal,
e) Local Police Chief,
Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your
a) car
b) house
c) pet
d) espresso maker
e) left arm
was severely damaged by my
a) infantile
b) puerile
c) inept
d) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic
e) woefully under appreciated prank.
How could I have known that the
a) car
b) jet ski
c) large helium balloon
d) rodent driven sledge
e) Zamboni
I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your
a) house,
b) wife,
c) Cub Scout troop,
d) 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete with lightbulb in the torch,
e) priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans,
you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to
a) imagine,
b) fathom,
c) comprehend,
d) appreciate,
e) pay for,
and I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are perfectly within your rights to
a) hate me,
b) sue me,
c) spank me,
d) take my firstborn,
e) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the fish in your koi pond,
but I ask you to remember all the good times we've had, joshing around at
a) school
b) work
c) church
d) the bowling alley
e) the municipal jail,
and to remember that I am first and foremost your
a) friend
b) child
c) sibling
d) lease co-signer
e) only possible match should you ever need a bone marrow transplant.
I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that
a) was so stupid.
b) was so silly.
c) would have been funny if it worked.
d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first.
e) I'm going to use again on someone else.
Sincerely,
Enter name here (or alias): ________________________
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