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| Posted by Assmonkey on 14-Aug-2005 | Different Suggestion"Hey Larry, going away on holiday again?"
"Yes, but I need a different suggestion."
"Go ahead ask me."
"You know last year you suggested Hawaii, and when I returned my wife was
pregnant."
"Yes, but ..."
" And the year before you suggested Bermuda, and when I returned my wife
was pregnant."
"Yes, but..."
"And the year before that, when I went to Bali, I returned and my wife was
pregnant."
" Yes, but..."
"Well, could you suggest something cheaper this year so that I can bring
her with me?"
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| Posted by Matt Lackey on 14-Aug-2005 | Not His DayA young, lonely guy driving across the country decided to pick
up a stunning, blonde hitchhiker. A few miles into the trek, the
blonde started coming onto him, so needless to say, he pulled
over to the side of the desolate, deserted road so she could
give him some oral pleasure. Once his pants were down to his
ankles, the blonde surprised him with a gun and bound his wrists
to his ankles. Then, she robbed him of his wallet and clothes,
and drove off with his car.
Once she was out of sight, the man struggled to his feet and
began hopping alongside the road in a desperate attempt to get
something's help.
A short time later, a trucker pulled up alongside the troubled
man. "What happened to you?" asked the trucker, with a grin. The
man explained his plight... The trucker stepped down from his
truck, and as he unzipped his pants he remarked, "This just
ain't been your day, has it boy!"
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| Posted by Jamee M. Warner on 14-Aug-2005 | A long lost brotherA North Dakotan went to New York on a buisness trip. When the trip was
over, he took a taxi cab to get to the airport. The cab driver heard how
the intelligance of the North Dakotans lacks, so, he turned to the North
Dakotan and said "My mother had 3 kids, one was my brother, one was my
sister, who was the 3rd?" the North Dakotan had no idea. "You Idiot! The
3rd one was ME!" The North Dakotan went home to his wife and kissed her.
"Hey, honey!" said the North Dakotan. His wife responded saying "What?"
The North Dakotan said "My mother had 3 kids, one was my brother, one was
my sister, who was the 3rd one?" His wife was stumped "I don't know, Who?"
the North Dakotan responded saying "Some cab driver in New York."
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| Posted by Erik Broome on 14-Aug-2005 | Things To Do At A Bus StopThings to do at a bus stop
1. Cross out the bus number and write a new number in.
2. Ask people if you can borrow some floss.
3. Bonus if they give you some.
4. Take your boom box and play it loudly, if someone askes you
to turn it off, turn it up and pretend like you can't hear them.
5. Lay on the bench so nobody else can sit down.
6. Go tanning on the bench.
7. Ask the bus driver if he could wait while you go use the rest
room.
8. Try to ride your bike onto the bus, when you can't, complain
that they should have bike ramps on the bus.
9. Leave ransome notes on the bench.
10. Stare at someone, when they stare back say, "Steve, I knew
it was you, how's it going?" Keep talking until they get on the
bus.
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| Posted by Ali Walker on 14-Aug-2005 | Things that can go wrong on an airplaneMy friend and I used to joke about all that could happen wrong
when we traveled together.
1) I fart and the oxagen masks fly down
2) I fart and burn a whole through the plane and we have to land
3) I have to go to the restroom so bad and someone is in it so I
lift my leg on the door
4) I ride underneath the plane with the luggage
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| Posted by The Gekko on 09-Aug-2005 | Aviation GuideTakeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.
If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. (Unless you keep pulling the stick back -- then they get bigger again)
Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.
It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.
The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.
Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.
It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.
The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great' landing. It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.
The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.
Always remember you fly an airplane with your head, not your hands. Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
You know you've landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to taxi.
Those who hoot with the owls by night should not fly with the eagles by day.
A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down - all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can't really fly - they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
Trust your captain .... but keep your seat belt securely fastened.
Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment.
Aviation is not so much a profession as it is a disease.
There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as copilot is a copilot who once was a captain.
Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline.
It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.
A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle.
Remember, you're always a student in an airplane.
Keep looking around; there's always something you've missed.
Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.
You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots!
Gravity never loses -- the best you can hope for is a draw!
You start out flying with a bag of luck and a bag of experience, the trick is to get your bag of experience full before your bag of luck is empty.
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