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| Posted by mr piemanmoo on 09-Aug-2005 | DizzyI had to stop driving my car for a while... The tires got dizzy.
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| Posted by Sara Bernabeo on 09-Aug-2005 | Anything smaller?One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block.
Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.
Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
"Where to?" he stammered.
"Union Station," answered the woman.
"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?"
"Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does "THIS" answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by Edward Haskett on 09-Aug-2005 | Martha StewartMartha Stewart's time behind bars is starting to bear fruit.
The other day a bank robber was caught in a sporting goods store looking for a ski mask that didn't clash with the color of his getaway car.
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| Posted by Reflex449 on 09-Aug-2005 | Stolen steedA tandem team rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a cold drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which they were.
When they finished their drinks, they found their steed had been stolen.
They go back into the bar, the captain handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE OUR STEED?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"ALL RIGHT WE'RE GONNA HAVE ANOTHA COLD DRINK, AND IF OUR STEED AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME WE FINISH, WE'RE GONNA DO WHAT WE DUN IN TEXAS! AND WE DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT WE DUN IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
They had another cold drink, walked outside, and the tandem is back! They mount up and start to ride out of town.
The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go... what did happen in Texas?"
The captain turned back and said, "We had to walk home."
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| Posted by Ashy Ashy on 09-Aug-2005 | DecoyStaking out a notoriously rowdy bar for possible D.U.I. violators, a cop watched from his squad car as a fellow stumbled out the door, tripped on the curb and tried 45 cars before opening the door to his own and falling asleep on the front seat.
One by one, the drivers of the other cars drove off. Finally, the sleeper woke up, started his car and began to leave. The cop pulled him over and administered a Breathalyzer test. When the results showed a 0.0 blood-alcohol level, the puzzled policeman asked him how that was possible.
"Easy," was the reply. "Tonight was my turn to be the decoy"
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| Posted by jaimie on 09-Aug-2005 | Bad driversPeople today just don't know how to drive. I read about this eight car crash.
It took place in a dealer's showroom.
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| Posted by Cinder60 on 09-Aug-2005 | Dramamines & condomsA guy went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself and his lady friend.
The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and reservations were very tight at that moment, but that he would see what he could do.
A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get them onto a three-day cruise.
The guy was disappointed that it was such a short cruise, but booked it . . . and went to the drugstore to buy Dramamines and three condoms.
The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now could book a five-day cruise. The guy said, "Great, I'll take it!"! and returned to the same pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.
The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise.
The guy was elated and, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, I'm not trying to pry. . but, if it makes you sick . . why do you keep doing it?"
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| Posted by Alli M. Kranz on 09-Aug-2005 | The animal's warningA farmer and his pig were driving down the road when a cop pulled him over.
The cop asked the farmer, "Didn't you know it is against the law to ride with a pig in the front of you truck?"
The farmer replied, "No, I didn't knowed that."
The cop ask the farmer where he was going and he said, "To Memphis".
The cop said, "I will let you off the hook this time if you promise to take the pig to the zoo when you get to Memphis."
So the farmer promised he would.
Several days later the cop spotted the farmer with the pig driving down the road and he pulled him over again.
The cop said "I thought I told you to take this pig to the zoo when you got to Memphis" and to this the farmer replied "I did and we had so much fun, I'm taking him to the circus."
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| Posted by BILLY B. PLOTTER on 09-Aug-2005 | Bono & hitchhikersBono is known as charitable but he???،??s cautious too. I mean, he???،??ll pick up hitchhikers then make them ride in the trunk.
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| Posted by Laura Nowicki on 09-Aug-2005 | Petrol priceHave you seen the new warning labels at service station that they have posted next to the prices?
Warning : Filling up could be hazardous to your wealth.
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| Posted by Wes Mcclarren on 09-Aug-2005 | How you feeling?Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court.
In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,"' asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'."
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine.
Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.
After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me." He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?
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| Posted by Christopher L. Eloy on 09-Aug-2005 | Price of gasI'm not sure if my local gas station owner is being a good business person or just trying to maximize his exploiting of the price of gasoline. His full service line now includes a drive up window to a loan officer.
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| Posted by joke magus on 09-Aug-2005 | Parking ticketA driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and dashed off:
"I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."
Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket and this note:
"I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job... Lead us not into temptation."
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| Posted by Yakke on 09-Aug-2005 | Advice for pilotsAdvice for a young pilot, "Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs."
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| Posted by Samuel P. Wilson on 09-Aug-2005 | Pilot to tower"Pilot to tower. I am 300 miles from land, 600 feet over water and running out of fuel. Please instruct! "
"Tower to pilot. Tower to pilot. Repeat after me, 'Our Father, which art in heaven...'"
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| Posted by jsw240 on 09-Aug-2005 | Takeoff'sTakeoff's are optional.
Landings are mandatory.
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| Posted by Lorinda Bruce on 09-Aug-2005 | Confused soulA pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.
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| Posted by Kiks on 09-Aug-2005 | Software engineeringAt a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer.
"If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?"
Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.
With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.
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| Posted by Cordelia Montgomery-Williams on 09-Aug-2005 | Cessna bird strikesYou know you???،??re flying a Cessna when you have a bird strike and it is from behind!
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| Posted by The Metroid on 09-Aug-2005 | Great landingEveryone knows a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away.
But a 'great' landing is one after which you can use the airplane again.
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| Posted by Jose A. Suazo on 09-Aug-2005 | 2nd greatest thrillFlying is the second greatest thrill known to man.
Landing is the first!
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| Posted by vicky on 09-Aug-2005 | Too much fuelThe only time you have too much fuel in a plane is when you're on fire.
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| Posted by Randy on 09-Aug-2005 | Flying dangerouslyFlying is not dangerous.
Crashing is dangerous.
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| Posted by John R. Beard on 09-Aug-2005 | Pilots nightmareA pilots nightmare is when he wakes up and finds his co-pilot asleep.
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| Posted by Francisco on 09-Aug-2005 | ClimbYou know your in trouble when the tower say's, "Climb like your life depends on it...because it does."
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| Posted by nate f. gayfag on 09-Aug-2005 | Angle of arrivalThe probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.
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| Posted by Lucy G. Van Pelt on 09-Aug-2005 | Aerial PhotosA photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.
The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting.
He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes."
"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."
The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"
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| Posted by Jason A. Romig on 09-Aug-2005 | Airline foodThe nice thing about airlines???،?? in-flight meals is that there???،??s no confusion about the quality of the food.
The best and the worst tastes exactly the same.
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| Posted by Adam R. Culbertson on 09-Aug-2005 | MaroonedA boat carrying blue paint and a boat carrying red paint collided in the middle of the ocean.
What happened to the crew?
They were marooned.
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| Posted by Saucy Sammy on 09-Aug-2005 | Panic on the flightA plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the Captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles.
The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back
and relax...
OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I frightened you earlier while I was talking to you.
The flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach yelled, "You should see the back of mine."
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