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| Posted by cory a. HOGAN on 14-Aug-2005 | doctorA doctor was delivering a baby and when the baby comes out he
drops it on the ground. The mother says what in the hell are you
doing? He then picks up the baby and throws it againts the wall.
He runs acrost the room and picks it up and drop kicks it. Then
finally he picks it up by the legs and spikes it on its head.
The whole time the mother is going ape shit saying what the hell
are you doing to my baby boy? Oh, the doctor says, dont worry it
was already dead.
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| Posted by devil dawg 50 on 14-Aug-2005 | Man on toiletQ:What do you call someone standing on top of a toilet?
A:High on Pot
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| Posted by Scott D. Willson on 14-Aug-2005 | No CodA man went into a fish shop and said
"Can I have some cod please?"
The shop owner replied,
"We dont have any cod"
So the man said ok then asked,
"Can I have some cod?"
The chippy owner told him again that there was no cod. So the
man said,
"OK... can I have some cod?"
At this the chip shop owner got really pissed off and said,
"Look mate we have no cod C-O-F-D, cod" the bloke said,
"But the is no F in cod."
And the chippy owner said,
"Thats what I've been trying to tell you!!!"
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| Posted by iRiShBaBi Smith on 14-Aug-2005 | The Boy
there was a boy, he didn't know any word
so one day his mum said go buy a bun, a bucket and a
cockerspaniel
so he went to the bakery and said can i please have a bum
and the baker said don't you mean a bun and the boy yes yes.
then he went to the super market and said can i please have a
fucket
and then the man said don,t you mean a bucket the boy yes yes.
then he went to the pet shop and said may i please and cock and
spank it and then the women said don,t you mean a cockerspaniel
the boy said yes please.
he was on the bus home and the cockerspaniel jumped out the
window and he went to bus driver and said may you please hold my
bum and fucket while i go get my cock and spank it.
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| Posted by E G on 14-Aug-2005 | Grose...You know whats grose... Seeing two vampires fight over a bloody
tampon!
You know whats groser than that... Finding a used condom at the
bottom of a mayonnaise jar...
you know whats groser than that... When you open the
refrigerator and the rump roast farts in your face.
You know whats groser than that... Siting on your grandpa's lap
when he pops a boner
You know whats even groser than that... SITTING ON YOUR
GRANDMA's LAP AND SHE POP A BONER!
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| Posted by sk8ergirl697131 on 14-Aug-2005 | 10 Fun Things To Do at the Mall1.) Get a white sweater in a very large size and tie it around
one of your friends. Have them run through people screaming, "I
SWEAR, IT'S TRUE!! TINY GREEN KNOMES STOLE MY UNDERPaNTS!!!!"
2.) Stand outside an elevator and inside a store. Run out as
fast as you can go, and if the elevator doors are open, run in
and press buttons rapidly. Then when the doors close, sigh
relaxingly. If the doors are closed, pound on them and scream,
"No, no!!!!" Then push the buttons rapidly. Have a muscular or
large friend drag you off to the bathrooms while you scream,
"No, I wont!! I wont do it!!!!! I WONT!!!!!!!"
3.) Dress yourself (If you're a male) or another male friend
head to toe in womens 'delicates'. Have them (or you) run out
of the store, saying, "They said it couldn't be done, and I did
it!! My name is forever braman!!!!"
4.) Sing made up elevator music.
5.) While wearing pajamas, sucking on your thumb, and holding a
stuffed animal closely, sit on a bed in a department store and
when someone looks funny at you, say "I had nightmares . . ."
6.) While in a department store's shoe department, have a male
try on a pair of high heels and say "Is this too manly?" to
another male friend. Talk back and forth having a 'man to man'
conversation.
7.) Bring a camera and whenever you see a slut, take pictures of
them while circling them and saying, "Yes, yes, there's the look
baby! Beautiful!! Come on, gimme a smile, there ya go!!!"
Speak in a British accent.
8.) When someone orders food from the food court, ask them,
"Wow, that smells good, where'd you get it?" Before they can
answer, pick up some and lick it. Then throw it back on their
plate and say, "Yuck! Never mind!"
9.) Ask people annonymosly, "Do you have any Grey Poupon?"
10.) While sitting near a young female on a bench, look down at
your private and poke it saying, "Crap, c'mon boy, we almost
nailed her . . ."
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| Posted by roshan on 14-Aug-2005 | Thoughts for the dayThoughts for the day
1) Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2) One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3) Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4) If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have
monkeys and apes?
5) The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where
all the bad girls live.
6) I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the
self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the
purpose.
7) Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets
aren't going as ghosts, but as mattresses?
8) Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
9) And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S"
in it?
It is not known with what weapon World War III will be fought,
but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
-- Albert Einstein
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| Posted by Enric Clive on 10-Aug-2005 | The Leper and the HookerQ. What did the Leper say to the Hooker?
A. Keep the tip.
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| Posted by Prosthetic Head on 12-Aug-2005 | ToothpickWhat do you call a woman with a toothpick up her bum?
Olive.
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| Posted by James P. Bond on 13-Aug-2005 | FireworksWhy did the firework go off?
I dont know, why?
Because someone lit the fuse! DUH!
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| Posted by Lees on 13-Aug-2005 | Indiehow do you turn indian men off?
press the red dot.
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| Posted by Nadia Issa on 14-Aug-2005 | Stepping on DucksOne day, a woman died and went to heaven. An angel met her at
the gateway to heaven and said "Welcome to heaven. Everything
here is perfect. You may do whatever you want. The only
exception is, there are ducks walking around everywhere. You may
not step on any of them, or you will be punished. After a year,
if you have not stepped on any ducks, you will be rewarded." The
woman agreed so the angel took her into heaven. She discovered a
chain linked to her wrist, though she had no idea why, but then
she realized that everyone else did, too. After awhile, the
woman began to watch other people and see what happened. She saw
a really pretty woman step on a duck because it had gotten
in her way. She saw the angel go up to the woman, talk to her,
and then chain her to an ugly man. The man said, "Wow, you are
the most beautiful woman I've ever seen." The woman said, "And
you are so ugly I can't believe I stepped on that damn duck."
After that she saw a handsome man step on a duck and swear. The
angel went over to him and talked to him. Then he walked over to
the woman and said, "You have been good, so you are going to be
rewarded." The woman was excited to see what her reward was. The
angel then took the man by his chain and hooked it to the
woman's. The woman said, "Wow, you are the hottest man I've ever
seen."
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| Posted by Shameka Moore on 14-Aug-2005 | 3 men on a desert island3 men were stuck on an island. Using their nearly dead GPS they
find out land is only 100 miles from that island. After finding
this out the GPS dies. The first guy says "Well, I guess we
could swim." So he sets off. He swims 10 miles, collapes, and
drowns. The second guy go 25 miles, collapes, and drowns. The
third guy goes 50 miles then says, "I'm getting tired, I think
I'll go back."
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| Posted by Huzzah2k on 14-Aug-2005 | Kickme signSome people say they where born with a silver spoon in thier
mouth.I think that I was born with a "Kickme sign" on my back.
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| Posted by Alan Kovacs on 14-Aug-2005 | The Road to SucksessOnce while driving down a road a man saw a ladder with a sign
reading "The Road to Sucksess" he had just been fired and it
seemed like a good idea. He got the first landing and there was
a
very pretty woman standing there. He then saw her went higher
and thought, "I bet the higher I go the hotter a woman there
will be!" So he went another story and sure enough a hotter
woman than before stood there waving to him. Now he was really
excited and climbed as fast as he could, every story having a
hotter and hotter woman. So finally he got to the finnal floor.
He looked around but the onlything he could see was a tall,
fat,hairy, smelly man, who then said, "Hi I'm Sess."
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| Posted by ann h. moose on 14-Aug-2005 | JimmyAn exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into
mischief,
finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The
boy
thought
it
over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and
keep
slamming
the door until St. Peter says, "For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come
in or stay
out!"
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| Posted by jeff on 14-Aug-2005 | The Fairy GodmotherA wife and her husband had been married for 40 years happily.
And also celbrated their sixty birthdays together. As it was
their celebration on their wdding anniversary a fairy godmother
appeared. "Since you two have not fought once through out the
whole time and loved each other faithfully I will grant each of
you one wish." The woman and man were overjoyed. The woman was
first. The fairy godmother said to choose whatever was in her
heart. "I wish...I wish......I wish that me and my husband had
a romantic vacation in Los Vegas and Miami." Then "Poof" The
tickets and passports and money were in her hand. The husband
sughed. :Pick whatever is in your heart, or in your dreams."
The fairy godmother said. The man grinned and said, "I know
what I wish for...I wish I had wife 30 years younger." And
poof. The man was 90 years old. (Don't you love fairy
godmothers?)
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| Posted by arz on 14-Aug-2005 | Poor school kid!One day little jonny came back from school and said to his mam '
Mam, all the kids at school say i have a big head!'
'U ain't got a big head son!' said his mam 'Now go and get me a
six pound of potatoes.'
'Have you got a bag?'
'Just put 'em in u'r hat!'
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| Posted by Cuto on 14-Aug-2005 | New Label Instructions!
Actual Label Instructions
On can of wet cat food:
This is not for humans!
On a Kennmore washing machine box:
Take clothes off before washing
( Dang! Kids get out of the washer! )
On a tube of toothpaste:
Best results if used on teeth.
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| Posted by XiA0bAbY on 14-Aug-2005 | No CanoeThree men get captured by cannibals on a tropical island. Before
they are stripped of their skin to make canoes out of, they are
given their choice of how to kill themselves. The first wishes
to die quickly and painlessly, and shoots himself in the head.
The second chooses to die slowly and somewhat euphoricly by
drowning, and subsequently immerses himself in the lagoon until
dead. The third, asks the tribal chief for a fork, and proceeds
to stab himself repeatedly all over. When the tribal chief askes
why he has chosen such a painful and masochistic form of death,
the condemned man replies, "There's no way you're making a
fucking canoe out of me!"
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| Posted by Chris S. Porter on 14-Aug-2005 | new carpetsA family was renevating their house and was having new carpet
put in. After the carpet was put in, the workers realized there
was a large lump in the carpet. "It must have been my
cigarettes" said one of the workers. The second took a large
hammer and pounded it down until the lump was gone. Just then,
the wife walked in and said "I found some cigarettes in the
kitchen are they yours? By the way, have you seen my son's
hamster?"
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| Posted by Heaven on 14-Aug-2005 | animal crackersA mother and her young son returned from the grocery store
and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the
box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.
"What are you doing?" his mother asked.
"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken,"
the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
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| Posted by Serena Zold on 14-Aug-2005 | Lunch Anyone??There was a japanese,hawaiian,and portugese men. They were all
working on a building when the lunch bell rung. All three men
sit down and open their lunch boxes.
The japanese man opens his lunch box and says Ah..man if I get
spam musubi again I am going to jump of this building.
The hawaiian man opens his lunch box and says ah..man if I get
lau lau again I am going to jump of this building.
The portugese man opens his lunchbox and says Ah.. man if I get
a tuna sandwich again I'll jump of the building.
The next day while the three men were working on the building
the lunch bell rang. They all sit down and open their lunch
boxes.
The japanese man says yes I did not get the same thing for lunch
I won't jump of the building.
The hawaiian man says all right I didn't get the same thing for
lunch,now I don't have to jump of the building.
The portugese man holds up a tuna sandwitch from his lunch box,
then he jumps of the building.
The hawaiian man was laughing then the japanese man asks why he
was laughing.
The japanese man says I don't get it, he makes his own lunch.
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| Posted by Maarten Vaes on 14-Aug-2005 | How to keep an Idiot busyHow to keep an idiot busy {Scroll down}
How to keep an idiot busy {Scroll up}
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| Posted by Eddie P. Yeti on 14-Aug-2005 | Dream InterpretationsMany scientists have dedicated their lives to one subject that
confuses many of us: What our dreams really mean. However, a
group of Swedish scientists recently found a way to tailor what
our dreams mean to our sex. Yes, if a man dreams about flying
sandwiches, it means something different than a woman dreaming
about flying sandwiches. With that said, here is their list of
what our dreams mean:
If you're a woman:
Flying sandwiches: You have too much stress in your life and are
headed for a nervous breakdown
Kings: You are allowing the most important man in your life to
rule over you, and you need to break free and gain some
independance
Caged birds: You must break free from an oppressive job that
constricts all other aspects of your life
The color green: Your sex life is suffering
Wilting ivy: Someone important to you is near death
Having a twin: You have two personalities that you display
around completely different groups of people
A man being killed from behind: Your conscience is eating away
at you for turning your back on a friend in need
Divorce: A split from an important object will change the way
you live your life
And if you're a man:
You dream: You crave more sex
You don't dream: You crave more sex
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| Posted by Payway Elbertse on 14-Aug-2005 | Teacher's PetIt is a teacher's last day, and all the students want to show
their appreciation for her by giving her a present. The
chocolatier's son brings her a box of fine gourment truffles,
florist's daughter brings her a bouquet of flowers, and the
liquor store owner son comes in with a heavy box. The teacher
notices it's leaking on one side, and takes a drop of the liquid
and tastes it. "Champagne"?" The boy says no. "Brandy"? Again he
says no. Finally the teacher says "I give up. And the liquor
store owners son say's "a puppy!"
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| Posted by Mitchy Dee on 14-Aug-2005 | Spider RoomOne man would recieve one million dollars out of three if he
stayed in a room full of spiders the longest.
The first man stayed in there 5 miniutes before running out. The
second man stayed for 10 minutes before leaving also.
The third man stayed for hours and hours before finally coming
out. When he did, many asked, "How did you do it?"
"Easy," said the man, "I killed one and the rest went to his
funeral."
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| Posted by Princess Leia on 14-Aug-2005 | Some funny things to do to someone when they're sl1) Open their mouth discretley, either put tonic water or sea
salt in their mouth. Then sit down and wtahc they spit in horror.
2)Get a glass of warm water and spill some on their pants. Wkae
them up and make a disgusted face.
3) Put some shaving cream in someone's hand and tickle their
nose. They'll smack their face to itch it and get the shaving
cream in their face.
4)Put an ice cube on their stomach or back and leave it their.
Watch them get up and scream!!
5)Roll someone off the bed and hide. Once they get back on th
bed, keep poking at them, hiding (repeat).
6)Roll a person so their facing the ceiling. Either tie them
down with rope or something and then scream loudly, "FIRE! GET
OUT!" and watch them squirm....
7)Start whsipering in someone's ear disturbing things.. (this
one gets pretty funny...)
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| Posted by Sarah M. Love on 14-Aug-2005 | The Red ButtonA man was walking down the road and then he just got a huge urge
to go to the dunny. So he ran into the closest store he could
see.
He said to the female accountant "Can I please use your
toilets!". She replied "we only have a females toilet here".
The man said in an instant "But i really need to go..... I'll
pay ya!"
"Aww, ok but whatever you do DO NOT PRESS THE RED BUTTON!!.
He hands over the money.
He sat down on the toilet and did his business, when he finished
he got up and pulled his pants on and went over to this wall, it
was covered with buttons. So he pushed one, it made a sound like
water flowing down a creek. He pushed another, it sounded like
birds chirping. There was one button that caught his attention,
THE RED BUTTON.
"The lady at the counter told me not to touch the button at all,
how much harm could it do anyway?"
(he moved his finger towards it, then he pulled it away, he did
it again but he couldn't do it.
"Oh! what the Heck!".
Everyone in the store heard a humungous scream, everyone ran
towards the scream," what the hell made that man scream so
loud?" asked someone in the crowd. "He pushed the red
button",The accountant said.
"Whats the red button?",asked the guy again.
"A Tampon Remover", said the accountant
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| Posted by Kandi Shingler on 14-Aug-2005 | The Amazing FlyA prisoner at the Edmonton Maximum Security Prison started
training a large fly to do tricks. For years, for thousands of
hours,
he worked with the insect. It learned to walk across a miniature
high wire, ride a tiny one-wheel bike, balance on a pair of
stilts and
sing songs from PHANTOM OF THE OPERA.
"When you and I get out of here," the jailbird said to the fly.
"we're
going to tour the night-spots and make a fortune."
Finally the day arrived. Fly safely tucked away in his pocket,
(inside its matchbox home), the ex-con made his way to a bar to
celebrate.
At the bar, he brought out his trick fly. On cue, it started
moonwalking. "What about this fly, eh?" he said to the
bartender.
In one swift motion, the bartender reached for his copy of the
local
newspaper, rolled it up and squished the fly with a mighty
swipe.
"Glad you saw it," muttered the bartender. "Damn things are
everywhere."
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