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Dog with no nose.

Lindsey:Are dog has no nose
Susie:Poor Dog,How does he smell
Lindsey:Awww,Terrible.

4 people have rated this joke:

4.75/10


	():animal jokes (1719): With a monkey wrench!

Posted by Ulax B. Cool on 10-Aug-2005

With a monkey wrench!

Q: How do you fix a broken chimp?
A: With a monkey wrench!

3 people have rated this joke:

4.67/10


	():animal jokes (1719): Gorilla and the Lion

Posted by Candy baby on 13-Aug-2005

Gorilla and the Lion

A male gorilla at the zoo had been separated from his mate for several months and was really horny. One night after the zoo had closed and all the animal keepers had left, he decided he was going to tear the bars apart and screw the first thing he could find. As he left his cage and ran through the zoo he came upon a lion sleeping in the grass. He really wasn't thrilled with his find but since he had promised himself he would take the first thing he could get, he grabbed the lion and screwed it.

Just as the gorilla finished, the lion awoke and was really pissed. The lion started chasing the gorilla through the zoo and was beginning to gain on him. The gorilla turned a corner and saw a park bench with a newspaper on it. Thinking quickly, the gorilla sat down on the bench and held the newspaper in front of him like he was reading it. When the lion turned the corner he stopped at the park bench. Not knowing what was behind the newspaper he asked the reader if he had seen a gorilla run by.

From behind the paper, the gorilla said, 'You mean the one that screwed the lion?' The lion shook his head and shouted, 'Oh no! It's already in the papers!'

3 people have rated this joke:

4.67/10


	():animal jokes (1719): African Safari

Posted by luvtalaf alot on 12-Aug-2005

African Safari

A man goes to Africa on a safari. While there, he comes upon an
elephant in great pain, with a giant thorn in its foot. The man
very carefully approaches the elephant, and gingerly removes the
thorn from its foot. The elephant begins to walk away, then turns
and stares at the man for a full minute, locking eyes with him.
The elephant then continues on its way.

\"I wonder if I ever see that elephant again if it will remember
me?\" the man muses to himself.

It is a few years later, and the man is at a circus back in the
States.

He notices that one of the elephants keeps looking at him, almost
like it KNOWS him. The man wonders, \"Could this be that elephant
I helped so long ago?\"

He decides to get a closer look. With the elephant still giving
him the staredown, the man moves in closer, getting right up in
front of the elephant. They lock eyes. A knowing look seems to
cross the elephant\'s face. It reaches down... picks the man up
carefully with its trunk... lifts him high in the air...
throws him crashing to the ground and stomps him to death!

Turns out it wasn\'t that elephant.

3 people have rated this joke:

4.33/10


	():animal jokes (1719): Talking Duck

Posted by Dan B. Jamison on 13-Aug-2005

Talking Duck

A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich.

The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the bartender.

"I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich, please?"

"Certainly," says the bartender, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.

So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender tells him about the incredible talking duck.

"Marvellous!" says the ringleader, "get him to come see me."

So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says, "Hey, Mr Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying really good money!"

"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus" says the bartender.

"The circus?" the duck enquires.

"That's right," replies the bartender.

"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck.

"That's right!" says the bartender.

The duck looks confused and asks: "What the fuck do they want with a plasterer?"

3 people have rated this joke:

4.00/10


	():animal jokes (1719): Female Whales Are The Same Way As Human Females

Posted by Mark B. Cullen on 14-Aug-2005

Female Whales Are The Same Way As Human Females

A male and female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blowout of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink". They tried it and sure enough the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore. At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

"Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen".

NOTE: The average blue whale produces over 400 gallons of sperm when it ejaculates, but only 10% of that actually makes it into his mate. So.... 360 gallons are spilled into the ocean every time one unloads, and you wonder why the ocean is so salty......