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| Posted by Baby-Doll on 10-Aug-2005 | DOLLARS EQUAL TEN CENTSTheorem: 1$ = 10 cent
Proof:
We know that $1 = 100 cents
Divide both sides by 100
$ 1/100 = 100/100 cents
=> $ 1/100 = 1 cent
Take square root both side
=> squr($1/100) = squr (1 cent)
=> $ 1/10 = 1 cent
Multiply both side by 10
=> $1 = 10 cent
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():school humor (1428): FUN THINGS TO DO ON FIRST DAY OF CLASS |
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| Posted by Brent A. Lund on 10-Aug-2005 | FUN THINGS TO DO ON FIRST DAY OF CLASS1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it and
saying, "Quite right, old bean!"
2. Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the
overhead projector.
3. Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp
points.
4. Sit in the front and color in your textbook.
5. When the professor calls your name in roll, respond "that's my name, don't
wear it out!"
6. Introduce yourself to the class as the "master of the pan flute".
7. Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would
go if he died tomorrow.
8. Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder.
9. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
10. Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the
middle of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether he was ever in an
episode of Starsky and Hutch.
11. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says
no, rip the pages out of your textbook.
12. Become entranced with your first physics lecture, and declare your
intention to pursue a career in measurements and units.
13. Sing your questions.
14. Speak only in rhymes and hum the Underdog theme.
15. When the professor calls roll, after each name scream "THAT'S MEEEEE! Oh,
no, sorry."
16. Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If you
actually are Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir Fernandez O'Reilly.
17. Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.
18. Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that you've done so.
19. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY".
20. Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend bang
cymbals together whenever your name is spoken.
21. Stare continually at the professor's crotch. Occassionally lick your
lips.
22. Address the professor as "your excellency".
23. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been
drinking.
24. Shout "WOW!" after every sentence of the lecture.
25. Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your face.
26. Ask whether you have to come to class.
27. Present the professor with a large fruit basket.
28. Bring a "seeing eye rooster" to class.
29. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee
henvay?" Become aggitated when the professor can't understand you.
30. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard
erasers.
31. Watch the professor through binoculars.
32. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.
33. Ask to introduce your "invisible friend" in the empty seat beside you, and
ask for one extra copy of each handout.
34. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"
35. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your
name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
36. Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and
snickering.
37. As soon as the first bell rings, volunteer to put a problem on the board.
Ignore the professor's reply and proceed to do so anyway.
38. Claim that you wrote the class text book.
39. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and
scream "IMPOSTER!"
40. Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.
41. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Signup Sheet #5"
at the top, and start passing it around the room.
42. Stand to ask questions. Bow deeply before taking your seat after the
professor answers.
43. Wear a cape with a big S on it. Inform classmates that the S stands for
"stud".
44. Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor, "Can you spell that?"
45. Disassemble your pen. "Accidently" propel pieces across the room while
playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions to retrieve the pieces.
Repeat.
46. Wink at the professor every few minutes.
47. In the middle of lecture, ask your professor whether he believes in
ghosts.
48. Laugh heartily at everything the professor says. Snort when you laugh.
49. Wear a black hooded cloak to class and ring a bell.
50. Ask your math professor to pull the roll chart above the blackboard of
ancient Greek trade routes down farther because you can't see Macedonia.
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| Posted by ~::Angel::~ on 10-Aug-2005 | IMPROVE YOUR ENGLISH WRITING TIPS1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
3. Employ the vernacular.
4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
6. Remember to never split an infinitive.
7. Contractions aren't necessary.
8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
9. One should never generalize.
10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations.
Tell me what you know."
11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
12. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly
superfluous.
13. Be more or less specific.
14. Understatement is always best.
15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
17. The passive voice is to be avoided.
18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
20. Who needs rhetorical questions?
21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
22. Don't never use a double negation.
23. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point
24. Do not put statements in the negative form.
25. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of
repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
28. A writer must not shift your point of view.
29. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a
preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)
30. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!
31. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of
10 or more words, to the irantecedents.
32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns
in their writing.
37. Always pick on the correct idiom.
38. The adverb always follows the verb.
39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; they're old hat; seek
viable alternatives.
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| Posted by woman driver on 10-Aug-2005 | ARE YOU READY FOR COLLEGE?The below quiz will help you to determine if you are truly ready to attend
college. Answer all questions below choosing one of the multiple choice answers
for each question as your answer.
1) You have five minutes to get dressed before leaving for a hot date. You
suddenly realize you don't have any clean socks. You:
a. Rummage through the dirty laundry, sniffing each sock until finding two
that don't make your eyes water.
b. Cover your ankles with black shoe polish.
c. Tell your date you always wished you were old enough to select your own
wardrobe when Miami Vice was all the rage.
d. Arrive for your date wearing nothing but an old sheet and claiming you
thought tonight was the big toga party.
2) In order to afford a decent apartment you'll need to find a roommate. The
most important feature in a roommate is:
a. They don't own an accordion.
b. Their main goal in life isn't to prove heterosexuality is vastly
overrated.
c. When they tell you they love smokin' rock, they are referring to
an Eddie Van Halen guitar solo.
d. They don't arrive wearing a PETA t-shirt that says "cockroaches are people
too."
3) You desperately need a good grade in your English Lit class, yet it's
two hours before the paper is due and you haven't even written the first line.
You:
a. Walk out to the driveway and slam your writing hand in the car door.
b. You write a fantasy paper titled, "What if Shakespeare was born a pig?" You
rewrite Hamlet in Pig Latin and title it, "Piglet."
c. You casually mention to your professor how you long for the good ole' days
when it wasn't considered sexual harassment to trade sex for good grades.
d. You call Dr. Kevorkian to see if he owns a walk-in clinic.
4) Your first semester is the time to get used to college life and make new
friends. By the second semester you plan to really buckle down and show what
you're made of. Your biggest goal is:
a. To raise your GPA to 1.5.
b. To cut your beer consumption to no more than 20 bottles on nights before
big tests.
c. To get a date with someone whose phone number doesn't begin with 1-900.
d. To prove illiteracy isn't necessarily a drawback.
5) In order to survive on a tight budget you will need to cut corners. Which
of the following is the best way to save money?:
a. Stock up on free food by walking into the school cafeteria wearing a
catchers mitt and screaming, "food fight!"
b. Cut down on the expense of Christmas lights by cutting up all your
glow-in-the-dark Frisbees and sprinkling them in the bushes.
c. Save gas expenses while treating your date to a fancy dinner by shutting
off the car as you wait in the drive-thru line.
d. Eliminate the high cost of meat by getting all your protein from beans.
This has the added benefit of insuring you won't have any friends who'll try to
talk you into going out on weekends.
6) In order to have a chance of being accepted, it's crucial that, on your
college application you don't mention:
a. In high school you were voted "most likely to become a political
prisoner."
b. You haven't tried to kill any teachers since the doctor tripled
your Prozac dosage.
c. That Animal House is your favorite movie.
d. Although you failed several courses in high school you always earned an A
for effort.
7) It's a generally considered a bad sign if:
a. You're asked to pledge "Geek."
b. MIT tells you they'll accept you as long as you qualify for their football
scholarship.
c. Your English professor suggests you transfer to English as a
Second Language.
d. An aptitude shows you're best qualified to be homeless.
8) The only hope you have of passing your calculus final is:
a. Tattoo the answers on the inside of your eyelids.
b. Secure pictures of your professor dressing a sheep in a nightgown.
c. You have no hope since you've never passed as much as a urine test.
d. Study hard. (I'm just checking whether you're paying attention.)
9) When you go for that all-important interview at the college of your dreams,
be sure to impress the interviewer by:
a. Blowing smoke rings with the Cuban cigars you brag about smuggling into the
country.
b. Demonstrating how you can belch the school fight song.
c. Explaining why academia is the real power behind the evil United Nations
and the New World Order, and how you've figured out how to build a powerful bomb
out of old newspapers and Hershey's syrup.
d. Speak in tongues.
10) Employers tend to hire students who were active in campus organizations.
In order to make yourself a more attractive job candidate, you should join the:
a. Intramural Nude Volleyball Team.
b. FAA (Future Alcoholics of America.)
c. Academic Probation Club. (It shows initiative to join before you take your
first class.)
d. All of the below.
Scoring your test:
For each A - add 5 points.
For each B - divide by 1.377 points.
For each C - multiply by 0 points.
For each D - subtract 500 points.
For each F that you circled - See an eye doctor.
If you scored between 50 and negative 2,000 points: Consult a mental health
practitioner immediately!
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():school humor (1428): FUN THINGS FOR PROFESSORS ON FIRST DAY OF CLASS |
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| Posted by Anuradha K. Dissanayake on 10-Aug-2005 | FUN THINGS FOR PROFESSORS ON FIRST DAY OF CLASS1. Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching
assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.
2. Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's name,
rank, and serial number.
3. Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or "fake the
funk".
4. Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them
in rapid-fire auctioneer style.
5. Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with
a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering "tsk, tsk".
6. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.
7. Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.
8. After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for
attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last
day to drop.
9. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream "MY
PACEMAKER!"
10. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.
11. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and
scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"
12. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a
single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.
13. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a
question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't hear you,
you'll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy".
14. Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers McGee" and
is your "mascot". Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask
it, "What'll be, McGee?"
15. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them
your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr.
Smartypants?"
16. Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for
several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed
normally.
17. Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a
question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.
18. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.
19. Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird".
20. Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.
21. Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be
required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through
Armenia, for next class.
22. Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.
23. Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a
question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.
24. Ask occassional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps would
know" and move on before anyone can answer.
25. Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.
26. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle
throughout it.
27. Announce "you'll need this", and write the suicide prevention hotline
number on the board.
28. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by
the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.
29. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as
you pace back and forth.
30. Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing
spirituals.
31. Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you pumped? ARE
YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEEAR YOU!"
32. Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as
you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.
33. Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet. Criticize
their choices and make notes in your grade book.
34. Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.
35. Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.
36. Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.
37. Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.
38. Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep
their distance for their own safety and mutter something about "that bug I
picked up in the field".
39. Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that
the lecture's over when the bottle's done.
40. Growl constantly and address students as "matey".
41. Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask
students to "sit back and groove".
42. Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class
projects.
43. Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code all
their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.
44. Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles".
45. Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11
number system. Use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself in place of
the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don't use it.
46. Address students as "worm".
47. Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether
your butt looks fat.
48. Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular
intervals.
49. Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks" every ten
minutes.
50. Of course, the most fun thing to do on the first day of class is to enjoy
yourself, sleep in, and let the students wonder if they found the right room
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():school humor (1428): BURGER JOINT CONVERSATIONS NATIONWIDE |
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| Posted by Gone T. Postal on 10-Aug-2005 | BURGER JOINT CONVERSATIONS NATIONWIDEM.I.T.: "I had a nervous breakdown this weekend."
"Have some fries."
Caltech: "I had three nervous breakdowns this weekend."
"Have some fries."
Yale: "I got mugged on the way to class today."
"Have some fries."
Brown: "I got a nose ring this weekend, Professor Smith."
"Cool! Me too! Have some fries."
Swarthmore: "I got a B."
"Anywhere else it would have been an A. Have some fries."
Princeton: "My father took away my Porsche this weekend."
"Poor dear. Have some Escargot."
Harvard: "Did you do anything this weekend?"
"Nope. Have some fries."
Williams: "Don't I know you?"
"Of course you do, silly. Have some fries."
Cornell: "I killed my lab partner this weekend."
"Bummer. Have some fries."
Columbia: "I wish I could be eating these fries at a better school."
"Me too. Let's go get shot."
Penn: "I wish I could be eating these fries at a better school."
"Me too. Let's transfer to Columbia."
Stanford: "Dude, I have so much work this weekend."
"Like, chill out, dude. Have some, like, fries."
Dartmouth: "Oh man, I got so trashed this weekend."
"Have some beer."
Tufts: "I wish I were Ivy League."
"Here, drink the fry grease."
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