|
|
 |
|
 |
 |
| Posted by leah on 11-Aug-2005 | Don't Know ShitTwo strangers are sitting in an adjacent seats in airplane.
One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go
faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off
his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"
The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about Nuclear Power?"
The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting
conversation. But let me ask you a question first:
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes
pellets; the cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is
that?"
The first guy says, "I don't know."
The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified
to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know shit?"
|
6 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
| Posted by William S. McDarmont on 12-Aug-2005 | Jonny GodeeperA teacher asked a boy named Jonny Godeeper to take out his math book,so he asked her to take off her shirt,she said OK.Then she asked him to take out his reading book,so he asked her to take off her pants,she said OK.Then she him to take out his science book,so he asked her to take off her bra,she said OK.Then she asked him to take out his art book,so he asked her to take off her underwere,she said OK.Then she asked him to take out his homework book,so he asked her if he could have sex with her,she said OK.Then the principal walked in and said\"JONNY GODEEPER!\"
|
9 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by T E. S on 11-Aug-2005 | Final ExamA retiring Phys Chem professor was setting his last exam, for a graduate course in statistical thermodynamics. Being a bit bored with it all, and with a well-kept and wry sense of humor, he set a single question on the sheet: "Is Hell endothermic or exothermic? Support your answer with proof."
He had little idea what to expect, or how to grade the results, but decided to reward any student who was able to come up with a reasonable and consistent reply to his query. One A was awarded. Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. The top student however wrote the following:
First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. There are two possible conditions:
Condition One: if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase exponentially until all hell breaks loose.
Conversely, Condition Two: if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
We can solve this with the 1990 postulation of Theresa LeClair, the girl who lived across the hall from me during my first year residence. Since I have still not been successful in obtaining sexual relations with her, condition two above has not been met, and thus it can be concluded that condition one is true, and hell is exothermic.
|
12 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by URBANDEVIL on 08-Aug-2005 | OmeletteThe teacher came into the class one day and said, "Students, today's assignment is to make a sentence using the word 'Omelette'".
I volunteered and said "That dude cussed me out but omelette it go instead of fighting about it!"
|
2 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Audrey K. Veneck on 08-Aug-2005 | College light bulbHow many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That's what grad students are for
|
2 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Eissirk on 09-Aug-2005 | Fun things to do on the first day of classThis is for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you do any of these things on the first day of class or for that matter, on any day of class.
31. Watch the professor through binoculars.
32. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.
33. Ask to introduce your "invisible friend" in the empty seat beside you, and ask for one extra copy of each handout.
34. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"
35. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
36. Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.
37. As soon as the first bell rings, volunteer to put a problem on the board. Ignore the professor's reply and proceed to do so anyway.
38. Claim that you wrote the class text book.
39. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and scream "IMPOSTER!"
40. Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.
|
26 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Kristen S on 09-Aug-2005 | Ways to confuse a roommateThese are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
105. Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your stuff back into the room and tell your roommate, "Okay, your turn."
Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com
|
4 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Angie Baby on 10-Aug-2005 | The Lion Sleeps TonightThe Weenie Whacker Song
To the tune of "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
In the bedroom...the quiet bedroom
The Bobbitt sleeps tonight...
In the kitchen...the downstairs kitchen
Loraina grabs her knife...
(chorus)
Weenie wacker weenie wacker
Weenie wacker weenie wacker
Slashed his pee pee...his tiny pee pee
It left a nasty scar
Stuck his rocket into her pocket
And drove off in the car...
(repeat chorus)
Out the window...the Nissan window
She threw his shuttlecock
Then the cops came and found the unit
And outlined it with chalk...
(repeat chorus until sent to your room)
In the cooler...the Playmate cooler
They packed it up real tight
the doctor patched it...and reattached it
It still don't work quite right...
(repeat chorus until spanked)
|
11 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Mara - on 09-Aug-2005 | Ways to confuse a roommateThese are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
115. Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear for a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely, opening the door only a crack and whispering to your roommate, "Psst! Is it gone?"
|
5 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Hugo d. Padilla on 10-Aug-2005 | Ludwig von Beethoven, 1770-1827.A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears
some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally
locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that
reads:
Ludwig von Beethoven, 1770-1827.
Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played
backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with
him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time
it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played
backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.
When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again
backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse
order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the
next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They
are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the
graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if
he has an explanation for the music.
"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously.
|
3 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Samantha kicks arse on 13-Aug-2005 | Da niggawhat do you if its the middle of the night and you see your TV floating in the air?
You say"drop it nigga!!!!"
|
9 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Vegitto on 13-Aug-2005 | Moma in the toiletyour momma is so stupid she locked herself in the toilet and peed her pants
|
7 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Sucha Dog on 08-Aug-2005 | Aunt CarolA Teacher was trying to get her class to pay attention the last few days of school so she came up with a project that her students had to go home and make their parents tell them a story and have a moral to it. The next day all the kids had great stories and then Jimmy raised his hand and the teacher asked him if he had a story and he said you bet"Its about my Aunt Carol,she was a pilot flying over Iraq and she got shot down and all she had was a pistol,a knife and a bottle of wisky! so she quickly drank the bottle of wisky because she figured she fall into a group of Iraqies! So,sure enough she fell into a group of 12 Iraqies,she shot 9 of them with her pistol,2 of them with her knife until it broke and strangled 1 with her bare hands" and asked if it had a moral to it and he said "You bet, don't mess with my Aunt Carol when she is drinking."
|
2 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Jono McSqueebs on 12-Aug-2005 | Skipping schoolA woman realizes her son has not yet gotten out of bed for school.
She goes into his bedroom and tells him to get up or he will miss breakfast.
"No," the son replies. "I don't wanna go to school!"
"You HAVE to go to school," the mother scolds.
"No! The kids are mean to me, the teachers don't like me, and the lunches are icky."
"You WILL go to school, young man," the mother warns.
"Why? Why do I have to go to school today?" the son asks.
The mother is about to lose her patience.
"Because you're the principal, now get out of bed!"
|
11 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Zack Kirton on 12-Aug-2005 | Tea TimeSomething to ponder... Do the workers at the Lipton factory get a
coffee break?
|
1 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Air Force X on 13-Aug-2005 | You So StupidYou so stupid yo Teacher told you to turn to page 14 in yo book and you said what page 14 on.
|
1 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Devil of Heaven alright not funny but I'm a great critic on 14-Aug-2005 | High School ReunionI just returned from my fiftieth high school reunion. The Romans of Los Angeles Hi. Class of '48. The Marina Marriott was packed. Everyone was there.
We had changed little since we had last met ten years ago. Oh, we had aged a little. But there was no real change. We spent most of the time reminiscing on the good times we had during our high school days. What most of us remembered most vividly was the semester we were offered a class in Accounting.
This was an innovative experimental class that had never been tried before. And because of us, it has never been offered again. You see we were very independent teen-agers in those post-war days. We were interested in ideals about equality and the future, not in accounting.
... So we rapidly lost our interest and attacked the principal.
|
1 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by luke on 14-Aug-2005 | Ways to Get Thrown out of Chemistry10. Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the sound to others.
9. Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, "Does this taste funny to you?"
8. Consistently write three atoms of potassium as "KKK."
7. Mutter repeatedly, "Not again... not again... not again."
6. When it's very quiet, suddenly cry out, "My eyes!"
5. Deny the existence of chemicals.
4. Begin pronouncing everything your immigrant lab instructor says exactly the way he/she says it.
3. Casually walk to the front of the room and urinate in a beaker.
2. Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is about to pour the sulfuric acid
1. Show up with a 55-gallon drum of fertilizer and express an interest in federal buildings.
|
1 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by AcOuStIcFlAmEs on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 18 Signs You're Pledging The Wrong Fraternity18> Three Words: Sigma Alpha Macarena.
17> Nobody joins in your armpit rendition of "Louie, Louie."
16> Each meeting turns into an argument between the two of you
about who gets to be president and who gets to be vice
president.
15> Every spring break: a bitchin' road trip to the Nixon
Library.
14> You're the ONLY minority to pledge Kappa Kappa Kappa.
13> A bunch of college guys sitting around knitting and
reading romance novels is just too damn weird.
12> Assembly room features a runway and posters of Dennis Rodman
in drag.
11> The secret handshake involves removing your pants.
10> Pledge week started with a shaved head and toga party,
but now you're selling flowers at the airport.
9> "Republican Convention?!? ROOOOAD
TRIIIIP!"
8> "Tropical Nights" party is authentic right down to
the malaria epidemic.
7> Initiation involves flying a crop duster over the
White House.
6> Every time someone yells "Biff! Muffy's on the
phone!" the whole damn house comes running.
5> Every Monday night is "Melrose
Place"/self-breast-exam night.
4> In EVERY room, at EVERY function, out of EVERY
speaker: John Tesh
3> Their idea of a wild party: slam out a few pages of
code, then memorize "Star Trek" dialogue.
2> Their good looks, fabulous wealth, and popularity
are sure signs that they're gonna get their comeuppance in a
big, humiliating way by a ragtag group of misfits at
homecoming.
1> "Smegma" may sound like a letter in the Greek
alphabet, but it's not.
[ The Top 5
List
www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1996, 2005 by Chris
White ]
|
1 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Kayli on 09-Aug-2005 | Ways to confuse a roommateThese are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
87. Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that to me."
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Cyberventurer on 09-Aug-2005 | Ways to confuse a roommateThese are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
162. Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others in to join you. Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate. Then say, "Boy, these zoos just aren't what they used to be."
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by DiAnA O on 09-Aug-2005 | Ways to confuse a roommateThese are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
124. Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells you to take it off, say, "What do you think you are? A king?"
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by jake raven on 09-Aug-2005 | The following are only learned from college101. It's amazing how late you can stay up doing absolutely nothing, yet falling asleep in class or in the library takes an average of two seconds.
102. You spend a ridiculous amount of time pondering the mystery of whether the cafeteria Lucky Charms are the real thing.
103. People magazine is your deep philosophical reading material.
104. You begin to subdivide your room into sections such as den, library, etc. to make it sound like a house.
105. All you have to do to make new friends is have mom send up some cookies.
106. You never realized how quiet your house was.
107. Dishes aren't dirty enough to wash until they have bugs and/or mold in them.
108. Printers only break down when you desperately need them.
109. You get along so much better with your family now that you never see any of them.
110. Your life will never be the same again.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Danelle L. Sandella on 09-Aug-2005 | Ways to confuse a roommateThese are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
57. Take your roommate's pillow and put a water ballon inside of it.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Luk Van Remoortel on 09-Aug-2005 | Ways to confuse a roommateThese are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks."
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Tiger Lily on 09-Aug-2005 | Ways to confuse a roommateThese are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
95. Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading."
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by .-'^JAMAN^'-. on 09-Aug-2005 | Ways to confuse a roommateThese are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
134. Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost of light bulbs.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by lu v. buggy on 09-Aug-2005 | Ways to confuse a roommateThese are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
172. Ask your roommate if Bob, your invisible friend, can stay the night.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Becky Holland on 09-Aug-2005 | Ways to add confusion to dining hallsby Robert Chen
You should not attempt any these things. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.
41. Dress up in coat and tie. Find a table where everyone's done eating. Inform them of the daily special desserts and take their orders.
42. Spill your drink and tray on a person and run off.
43. During the meal, tell about the time you beat a boulder to death.
44. Find a full table. Ask, "Is anyone sitting under there?" Proceed to eat beneath the table. Ask for amenities such as napkins and ketchup. Comment on how nice everyone's shoes look.
45. If sitting with someone with whom you're romantically interested, complain how the setting isn't very romantic. Apologize. Then give a look of resolve and proceed to smash all the lights in the dining hall. Sit back down and remove the shattered glass from your partner's food.
46. Bring in a cordless or cellular phone. Order pizza.
47. During the meal, complain how terrible the virus is that you have. Proceed to cough and sneeze on everyone's food.
48. Speak of some disgusting topic while everyone is eating.
49. Request a waitress.
50. Comment on how good the food is.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by keri kirkles on 09-Aug-2005 | Ways to confuse a roommateThese are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
182. When you leave the room, put on a screensaver that says, "I'm watching you."
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
