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| Posted by Pimp Daddy on 09-Aug-2005 | Dr Seuss's PCDr Seuss explains computers:
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash.
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot it,
and let it go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the micro-code instructions cause unnecessary risk,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to ram your ROM,
So quickly turn off your computer and go and tell your mum!
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| Posted by Richard Pratt on 09-Aug-2005 | Dirty ErnieDirty Ernie was sitting in his second grade class when he looked out the window and saw two dogs screwing in the school yard. He jumped up and hollered, "Hey, everyone! look at that!"
The teacher ran to the window and pulled the blind.
A little girl in the front row said, "Teacher, what was those two dogs doing?
The teacher said that the dog on top had a broken leg, and the dog on the bottom was helping him get home.
Dirty Ernie then said, "Teacher, ain't that just like life, you try to help someone out and end up getting screwed?"
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| Posted by vic Lee on 08-Aug-2005 | Blueberry HillLittle Johnny walked into his class and the teacher asked where he had been. he replied, "On blueberry hill."
The teacher, still confused, said, "Ok... have a seat." Another boy walked in and the teacher asked, "Where have you been." he replied, "On blueberry hill."
The teacher grumbled a bit and continued class. Enevtually, a girl walked in and the teacher said, "Let me guess... You were on blueberry hill."
The girl replied "No, but how did you know my name was Blueberry Hill?"
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| Posted by Katie Earle on 11-Aug-2005 | Ya mamma is so skinnyYa mamma is so skinny that when she ate a meatball she thought she was pregnant.
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| Posted by Hector R. Cruz on 09-Aug-2005 | $100 PleaseA little boy wanted $100, badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing
happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said:
Dear Lord,
Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that
for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as
usual, those jerks deducted $95.
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| Posted by Marleika on 09-Aug-2005 | DumbwaiterDumbwaiter:
One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
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| Posted by Erin Sullivan on 09-Aug-2005 | School CounselorSandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other end. Sandy approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was.
A little while later however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"
"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
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| Posted by APRIL L. PALMER on 09-Aug-2005 | PubertyA little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
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| Posted by Natassia Hogenbirk on 10-Aug-2005 | Stupidly funnyQ: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead!
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| Posted by ness on 13-Aug-2005 | BommerrangWhat do you call a bommerrang that dose not
come back?
A stick!!!!
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| Posted by Caleb Harrelson on 12-Aug-2005 | What do you getwhat do you get if you cross a jeep with a dog?
a land rover
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| Posted by chrissy on 12-Aug-2005 | Pigswhy do pigs fly because they have wings
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| Posted by ana munoz on 14-Aug-2005 | 25 Pound BabyA Texan is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell He
hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody
in the bar because, he announces, his wife has produced a baby boy weighing 25
pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan
just shrugs, "That's about average down home folks. Like I said, "My boy's a
typical Texas baby boy."
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says; "Say you're the
father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you?
Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks .
We were gonna call you. So----How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "17 pounds". The bartender is puzzled, and concerned.
" What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"
The Texas father takes a long swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his
lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him
circumcised."
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| Posted by Sexbabe on 14-Aug-2005 | Nice TeacherLittle Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!
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| Posted by RoCkEr BaBe on 09-Aug-2005 | $1000 instant lottoLittle Johnny and his dad went shopping at the grocery store. Walking down an aisle, Johnny asked his dad if he could have a box of Lucky Charms.
His dad said," Well, Johnny, can you touch your asshole with your dick?"
Johnny said, "No!!"
Johnny's dad said, "Well, there's your answer."
Later, Johnny asked if he could have Spagettios.
His dad, again, said, "Can you touch your asshole with your dick?"
Johnny said,"No!!"
His dad said, "Well, there's your answer."
At the end of the shopping trip, Johnny's dad felt bad about how he had talked to Johnny, so he bought him an instant lottery ticket.
Johnny scratched the ticket and found that he won $1,000!!!
His dad said,"Hey, Johnny, you gonna share the money with your old man?"
Johnny asked,"Dad, can you touch your asshole with your dick?"
Johnny's dad said,"As a matter of fact, I can!"
Johnny said,"GOOD, GO FUCK YOURSELF!!"
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| Posted by Iain Delaney on 09-Aug-2005 | 3 Day WeekendOne day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.
On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.
The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?"
Again no one could answer.
Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.
So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black.
The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room.
Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.
The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"
Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"
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| Posted by LiL HoTTiE on 13-Aug-2005 | Buttichesonce upon a time there was a kid named buttiches. it was the first day of school and everybody had to go around and say therename and favorite color. everybody had already went and told their favorite color and name. it was buttiches turn. the teacher said you in the red shirt. tell everybody your name and favorite color.(he wasnt paying attention)he said his name is buttiches and his favorite color is brown. thn the teacher asked him again and he said the same thing. this time she said tell the truth or youll go to the principals office. then he got sent to the principals office.
the principal asked him and he got suspended. then he was on his way home when he got hit by a truck in front of his house. then his mom ran out oh my poor buttiches. then the truck driver said then why dont you scrach it?
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| Posted by creamofsumdumguy on 09-Aug-2005 | 3 Little PigsMy friend likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at night.
Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often adlibs parts of the stories for fun.
One day his youngest son was sitting in his new entrants class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home.
She said, 'And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me, sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?"
Then the teacher asked the class, 'And what do you think that man said?'
And my friend's son raised his hand and said 'I know! I know. He said, "Holy shit! A talking pig!"'
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
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| Posted by derek on 09-Aug-2005 | Little SimonLittle Simon came running into the house and asked,
'Mummy, can little girls have babies?'
'No,' said his mum, 'of course not.'
Simon ran back outside and his mum heard him yell to his friends, 'It's okay, we can play that game again!'
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| Posted by Gillian Cheng on 09-Aug-2005 | Your an 8Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.
He yelled out,
'Miss Jones, I need to have a piss!'
Miss Jones replied,
'Now Johnny, that is not the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is urinate. Please use the word urinate in a sentence correctly and I will allow you to go.'
Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, 'You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a 10.'
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| Posted by kaitlyn a. myers on 09-Aug-2005 | I need a bikeA few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed his mum's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, 'I need a man, I need a man.'
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day Johnny came home from school and heard her moaning again. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself and moaned, 'Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!'
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| Posted by Mike A. Rotch on 09-Aug-2005 | No honeyLittle Johnny (that little bugger again!) was being particularly reckless one day. He was playing in the backyard when some honeybees started swirling around, annoying him. He began stomping on them in a temper and his father saw him.
'That's it. No honey for you for one month.'
Later, Johnny pondered over some butterflies and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him and after a brief moment of thought said, 'No butter for you for one month.'
Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead.
Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her, to which Johnny said, 'Are you going to tell her, Daddy, or do you want me to?'
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| Posted by Tammy Roy on 09-Aug-2005 | Horsey ridesThat little bastard Little Johnny was passing his parents bedroom in the middle of the night in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his parents in the act.
Before his Dad can even react, little Johnny exclaims, 'Oh boy! Horsey ride. Daddy can I ride on your back?'
Daddy, relieved that Johnny was not asking more uncomfortable questions and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.
Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon his mummy starts moaning and gasping and Johnny cries out, 'Hang on tight, Daddy. This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!'
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| Posted by Mitchy Dee on 09-Aug-2005 | CircumspectionTwo five-year-old boys are standing at the toilet to piss.
One says, 'Your thingy doesn't have any skin on it.'
'I've been circumcised,' the other one says.
'What's that mean?'
'It means they cut the skin off at the end.'
'How old were you when it was cut off?'
'My mum said I was two days old.'
'Did it hurt?'
'You bet it hurt. I couldn't walk for a year.'
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| Posted by lil dude on 09-Aug-2005 | She fakes itA little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap and Santa asks,
'What would you like me to bring you for Christmas?'
The little girl replies,
'I want a Barbie and a G. I. Joe doll.'
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says,
'I thought Barbie comes with Ken.'
'No,' the little girl replies, 'She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.'
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| Posted by coucool slim (moe dog) on 09-Aug-2005 | New BikeOn Christmas morning, a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.
The cop says to the kid,
'Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?'
The kid says, 'Yeah.'
The cop says, 'Well next year, tell Santa to put a tail light on that bike.'
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off he says,
'By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?'
Humoring the kid, the cop says,
'Yeah, he sure did.'
The kid says, 'Well next year, tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.'
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| Posted by pedro on 09-Aug-2005 | Parents AwayA traveling salesman knocks on the door of a house. A kid, about 12 years old, answers the door. He's wearing a pink tutu, has a cigar in one hand, and a martini in the other.
The salesman is a little taken back, so he asks,
'Excuse me, son, are your parents home?'
The kid takes a big puff on the cigar and answers, 'What the f*** do you think?'
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| Posted by Grace Littlehales on 09-Aug-2005 | Speed CameraA policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeding motorists but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem.
A 10-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand-painted sign that read 'Radar Trap Ahead'. The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading 'Tips' and a bucket full of change.
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| Posted by Katiekate m. Star on 09-Aug-2005 | Out of gasA little girl asks her mum,
'Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Mum says,
'No, because the dog is in heat.'
'What's that mean?' asks the child.
'Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage'.
The little girl goes to the garage and says.
'Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mum but she said the dog was in heat and that I should ask you.'
Dad says,
'Bring Susie over here.' He takes a rag, soaks it with gasoline, and scrubs the dog's rear with it and says, 'OK, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go onetime around the block.'
The little girl leaves and returns a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Dad says, 'Where's Susie"'
The little girl says,
'Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block and there's another dog pushing her home.'
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| Posted by Sweet Laurita on 09-Aug-2005 | In the navy'Mummy, Mummy. I was at the playground and Daddy and...' Mummy tells him to slow down. She wants to hear the stop, so Little Johnny tells her.
'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.
`I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy'
At this point Mummy cut him off and says, Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table, Mummy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts his story, describing the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat and '... then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Navy.'
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