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| Posted by Pimp Daddy on 09-Aug-2005 | Dr Seuss's PCDr Seuss explains computers:
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash.
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot it,
and let it go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the micro-code instructions cause unnecessary risk,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to ram your ROM,
So quickly turn off your computer and go and tell your mum!
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| Posted by Mike T. Bokinskie on 09-Aug-2005 | Crowded airlinerAs the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum.
No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force Wing General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle.
Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken general leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.
All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the general slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.
'Excuse me, General,' she asks quietly, 'but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?'
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides,
'I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose.'
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| Posted by Big Huka on 08-Aug-2005 | The Little LeprechanLitle Johnny was going to the bathroom at school. When he went to wipe his butt there was no toilet paper. So he wiped his butt with his hand and figured he could just wash his hands off. But the water wouldn't run and there was no paper towels. So he held his hand in a fist and walked back to the classroom. Then the teacher asked, "Johnny, what's in your hand?"
"A little leprechan and if I open my hand he'll get away."
"Johnny," the teacher said, "if you don't tell me what's in your hand you are going to be sent to the principal's office!"
Too embarrassed to open his hand, Jimmy elected to get sent to the princapal's office instead. The principal asked, "Johnny, what's in your hand?"
"A little leprechan and if I open my hand he'll get away."
"Johnny, if you don't tell me what's in your hand right now you will get sent home," said the principal.
So he got sent home and his dad asked, "Johnny, what's in your hand?"
"A little leprechan and if I open my hand he will get away"
"Johnny, either you tell me right now what's in your hand or I'll beat you and your imaginary leprechan..."
Little Johnny finally opened his hand and said, "Look dad... you scared the poop out of him!"
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| Posted by Magic Mike on 09-Aug-2005 | Election explination(Every year, teacher Mike Wilson of Ballwin, Missouri has his elementary-school students study the presidential election process in America. From the resulting essays and exam papers, Wilson has culled some gems of youthful insight and wisdom, not to mention skepticism worth of a politics-weary adult. As the 1984 presidential election grows near, we offer some of Wilson's treasures.)
Did you ever think what I used to think about candidates running neck-and-neck? Well it is not true.
Universal suffrage means that even the illegible get to vote.
Calling a person a runner-up is the polite way of saying you lost.
The difference between a king and a president is that a king is the son of his father but a president is not.
What I learned about elections is that we aren't really getting to elect the president. It is some people in a college who get to. I have not decided what to do about it yet but I am not going to just sit around.
It is possible to get the majority of electoral votes without getting the majority of popular votes. Anyone who can ever understand how this works gets to be president.
Some of our presidents never did much else and are famous only because they became president.
The more I think about trying to run for president the less I think of it.
The president has the power to appoint and disappoint the members of his cabinet.
Much has been said about balancing the budget. It has been found that the budget is more talkable than balanceable.
The campaign is when the candidate tells what he stand for and the election is when the votes tell if they can stand for his being elected.
Actually, elections are different from politics. Elections come and go while politics are with us all the time.
The winning candidate is elected and inoculated.
In January, the president makes his Inaugural Address after he has been sworn at.
Once he is elected, sometimes the president has to work 24 hours a day until he finds out what he is supposed to do.
The nominees are usually called candidates or campaigners although I have heard them called other things.
One of the strictest rules is all dark horses running for president must be people.
Popular votes tell who is the most popular. Electoral votes tell who is the most elected.
Heredity is a bad thing in politics because it gets us kings instead of presidents.
A caucus is something people vote in. Sort of a small booth.
An overwhelming favorite is a candidate that often comes over to the convention and whelms the delegates.
The jobs of delegates is to resent their states.
Noncommittal is to be able to talk and talk without saying anything.
When the radio mentions a landslide, cross your fingers and hope it is talking about an election.
A dark horse is a candidate that the delegates don't know enough about to dislike yet.
Political science is to try to figure out what makes candidates act that way.
A split ticket is when you don't like any of them on the ticket so you tear it up.
When they talk about the most promising presidential candidate, they mean the one who can think of the most things to promise.
Elephants and donkeys never fought until politics came along.
Political strategy is when you don't let people know you have run out of ideas and keep shouting anyway.
A candidate should always renounce his words carefully.
We are learning how to make our election results known quicker and quicker. It is our campaigns we are having trouble getting any shorter.
One of the mainest rules of campaigning is you are not allowed to go on a whistle-stop tour without a train.
Politician is the bawling out name for a candidate you don't like.
Speaking of defeat, candidates are told never to.
Campaigns give us a great deal of happiness by their finally ending.
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| Posted by Kel on 09-Aug-2005 | Xmas timeLittle Jonny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do.
The shrink said,
'Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Luke what he wants Santa to bring him. If He cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gifts or gifts he requests.'
Two days before Christmas, Luke's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas.
'I want a damn teddy bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage.'
On Christmas morning, little Luke woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog shit. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage.
When Luke walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, 'What did Santa bring you this year?'
Luke replied, 'I think I got a dog but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!'
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| Posted by will on 10-Aug-2005 | Big HeadJohnny comes back from school crying and says, "Mommy all the kids in the
school say I have a big head."
His mother replies, "No you don't Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head.
The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings."
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