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| Posted by Sam Binstead on 09-Aug-2005 | Driving OffenceA man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place....
The man says "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going 80. [Man gives his wife a dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. [Man gives his wife another dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!"
Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife says: "No, only when he's drunk."
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| Posted by Joe Mama on 09-Aug-2005 | Truckers BluesA truck driver is cruising along when he spots a little yellow man standing in the middle of the road, crying.
He brings the truck to a standstill, rolls down the window and asks the little man what's wrong.
"I'm yellow, I'm from Venus, I'm gay and I'm hungry," sobs the little man.
"Well," says the trucker, "I can offer you a sandwich, but that's as much as I can do."
So he passes a sandwich to the little man and drives off. A while later, he has to stop again because there's a little red man in the middle of the road, crying. So he comes to a halt, rolls down the window and a bit more impatiently - asks the little man what the matter is.
"I'm red, I'm from Mars, I'm gay and I'm thirsty," the little man bawls.
So the trucker says, "I can offer you a can of Coke, but that's as much as I can do."
He hands a can of Coke down to the little man and drives off. A little further on, the trucker spots a little blue man in the middle of the road.
Really annoyed now, he stops, rolls down the window and snaps, "Yes, you silly little blue moffie, what fucking planet are you from and what do you want?"
The little man answers, "Your driver's licence, please ....."
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| Posted by Justin Babineau on 09-Aug-2005 | One Parachute LeftYou are one of three people on a malfunctioning aeroplane with only one parachute. How would you react?
Pessimist: You refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump anyway.
Optimist: You refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes just like this before.
Procrastinator: You play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.
Bureaucrat: You order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.
Computer Scientist: You design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a human being could.
Mathematician: You refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases.
Engineer: You make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss.
Psychoanalyst: You ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of.
Doctor: You tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make your next appointment.
Lawyer: You charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.
Judge: After reminding them of their constitutional right to have a parachute, you take it and jump out.
Economist: Your only rational and moral choice is to take the parachute, as the free market will take care of the other person.
Statistician: You plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute.
IRS auditor: You confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.
Manager: As you jump out with the parachute, you tell them to work hard and not expect handouts.
Consultant: You tell them not to worry, since it won't take you long to learn how to fix a plane.
Salesperson: You sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.
Advertiser: you do a sexy dance while singing that what they need is a neon parachute with computer altimeter for only $39.99.
Philosopher: You ask how they know the parachute actually exists.
Teacher: You give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on how well it worked.
English major: You explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions.
Comparative Literature major: You read the parachute instructions in all four languages.
Dramatist: You tie them down so they can watch you develop the character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.
Modern Painter: You hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.
Auto Mechanic: As long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works fine.
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| Posted by Yo Man on 09-Aug-2005 | Speeding TicketA man was speeding down a Alabama highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch 'em all?"
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| Posted by Ken Jackowitz on 09-Aug-2005 | ConventionI boarded an airplane in Boston and took my seat. As I settled in, I glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane. I soon realized she was heading straight towards my seat. Low and behold, she took the seat right beside mine. Eager to strike up a conversation, I blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business".
"I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."
I swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman I had ever seen sitting next to me and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain my composure, I calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer???, she responded.
"I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really???, I said, "what myths are those?"
"Well???, she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is the French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.
"I'm sorry", she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto???, I said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
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| Posted by TMAN on 09-Aug-2005 | Women DriverA woman and a man are involved in a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!" This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
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