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| Posted by Sarah A. Bauman on 14-Aug-2005 | DrunkThree guys are sitting in a bar, another guy walks in and points
to the guy in the middle and says, "Hey you! I just screwed your
mom and it was soooo great!" By then everyone was expecting a
fight. But the guy didn't do nothing. So the Drunk man goes and
sits in the other side of the bar.
15 minutes later he comes back and points at the same guy and
says, "I just had the sex with your mom, and it was SWEEET.."
Everyone was really expecting a fight this time, but then again
nothing happened and the Drunk man goes back to the other side
of the bar.
Then again another 15 min. pass and the guy comes back and says,
"I saw..." and the other man interuped him, turned to him and
says, "Dad, your drunk! Go Home!"
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| Posted by Matt L. Giardina on 09-Aug-2005 | You can't bring that dog in this barA man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"
The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
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| Posted by Ol-Dirty on 13-Aug-2005 | Your Mama so FatYour Mama so fat the back of her neck looks like a pack of hotdogs
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| Posted by Sonya M. Hamilton on 13-Aug-2005 | Pub CrawlAn Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face.
The Irishman decides to crawl the four blocks to his home. When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed. He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, ''So, you've been out drinking again!'' ''Why do you say that?'' he asks innocently. ''The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again.''
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| Posted by Karin Czapnik on 09-Aug-2005 | Wine WarningsDue to increasing product liability litigation, wine manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all wine bottles:
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a moron.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 am in the morning!
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers.
7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
8. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.
9. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
10. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
11. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Frank.
12. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
13. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.
14. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
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| Posted by Hallie S. Comet on 08-Aug-2005 | A dyslexic walks into a bra...It'll hit you in a minute.
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| Posted by David Stouffer on 09-Aug-2005 | Shy guy in barA very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200 for a blowjob?"
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| Posted by hello there on 13-Aug-2005 | Yo momma is a hoeyour momma is like a brick she is always getting laid.
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| Posted by Vince Carter on 09-Aug-2005 | No natural lightThis guy walks into the bar and tells the bartender he wants a beer, "anything but Natural light".
Why not Natural Light the bartender say's, "you always drink Natural Light"?
"Not anymore, buddy, last night I got so Drunk on natural Light, I went home and blew chunks".
Well, the bartender say's, everybody does that when they get that drunk, you know, that??™s no big deal...
"You don??™t understand, buddy, Chunks is my dog!"
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| Posted by Joanne Massoud on 09-Aug-2005 | Duck walks into barA duck goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "You got any fish?"
The bartender says, "No. This is a bar and we don't sell fish" so the duck leaves.
Next day, the duck goes back to the bar and asks, "You got any fish?"
The bartender says,"I told you yeaterday. This is a bar and we don't sell fish."
Ther following day, the duck returns and asks,"You got any fish?"
The bartender looses it, grabs the duck bu the neck, and screams,"I TOLD YOU TWICE. THIS IS A BAR. WE DON"T SELL FISH IF YOU ASK AGAIN, I'M GONNS NAIL YOUR *@#& WEBBED FEET TO THE FLOOR!"
The next day, the duck goes in the bar and asks, "Got any nails?"
The bartender sighs and says, "No, we don"t have any nails."
The duck says,"Good. Got any fish?"
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| Posted by Jimmy White on 14-Aug-2005 | Which Bus?A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the
aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.
She looks the man up and down and says, I've got news for you.
"You're going straight to hell!"
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Dammmmmn, I'm on
the wrong bus!"
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| Posted by Cassie Friend on 08-Aug-2005 | 20 dollars20 dollars
Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.
He says "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me".
His friend says "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill".
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.
"You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself, my God you're disgusting" etc.
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He'd obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn't hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket."
She looks in his breast pocket and says, "But this is forty dollars".
"Ah, yes." says the man. "He pee'd in my trousers too".
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| Posted by Pink Mist on 09-Aug-2005 | Snail visits barThe landlord of a pub, is just locking up, when there's a ring on the doorbell.
He opens the door, and there's a snail sitting there. "What do you want?" asks the landlord.
The snail replies that he wants a drink.
"Go away, we're closed, and we don't serve snails anyway".
The snail pleads and pleads with the barman to give it a drink, at which the landlord gets fed up, kicks the snail and slams the door.
..... Exactly one year later, he's locking up again, and there's a ring at the doorbell. The landlord opens the door, and looks down to see a snail sitting there. "What do you want" says the landlord.
"What did you do that for" says the snail.
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| Posted by Vince Joebob on 13-Aug-2005 | Ya maya ma is so fat god said let there be light so she rolle
d over
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| Posted by Hansen H. Lieu on 13-Aug-2005 | Yo mama so big that when she went bunji jumping...Yo mama so big that when she went bunji jumping with a yellow dress everybody thought the sun was falling.
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| Posted by Darren N. Doyle on 12-Aug-2005 | Confutious says:confutious says: Man who go to bed with itchy bottom, wake up with smelly finger
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| Posted by cutybug on 12-Aug-2005 | Man in raincoateA man and woman meet at a bar one rainy night. the woman says to the man, \"lets get out of here and go back to my place\". while they are at the womans house inside the bedroom they hear the front door open and slam. all of a sudden the women cries out \"my husband is home, my husband is home\". the man quickly grabs all his clothes and jumps out the window. as he looks out to the street he see\'s a group of joggers jogging down the street. the man jumps into the middle of the joggers and as he does so one of the joggers looks down at the man and ask him \"sir why are you wearing that\"? and the man replies \" I always wear a raincoat when it rains\".
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| Posted by Avi Marcus on 14-Aug-2005 | Pool PartyOnce there was a rich dude who owned a huge mansion, lots of
cars, was an alcoholic, and smoked crack. He even had a huge
pool which he filled with hundreds of alligators.
One day he was having a pool party and everyone got drunk and
high. After a while the rich guy stood up on a table and made a
speech. He said, "Anyone who swims across my pool will get my
house. No one jumped in. Then he said, "Anyone who swims across
my pool gets my house and my cars. No one jumped. "Anyone who
swims across my pool gets my house, my cars, alcohol, and my
cars." No one jumped in. "Anyone who swims across my pool gets
my house, my cars, my alcohol, and my crack. He heard a splash
and looked up.
He saw a guy jump into the pool. Alligators were on him in a
second, but this guy did tarzan moves, wrestled alligators, etc.
Finally, he climbed out on the other side. The rich dude walked
around and said, "That was amazing. I never thought anyone would
do that! When do you want my house?" The guy said "I don't want
your house." "When do you want my cars?" "I don't want your
cars." " When do you want my alcohol? "I don't want your
alcohol." When do you want my crack?" "I don't want you crack."
"Well, what do you want?" "I want the freaking bastard who
pushed me in!"
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| Posted by Andrew B. Mclean on 12-Aug-2005 | Your hairlineyou need to shut up with your 1 2 3 way back hairline.
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| Posted by Vince Carter on 12-Aug-2005 | Moo!!!A man walk in to a bar and says i want 14 beers the bartinder says you can only have 7 at a time the man says what ever give me 7 he drinks thim then he says give me 7 more he drinks thim to he says im so f**cking drunk i can hump a cow the bartender says go sit in the corner ! than a nother person comes in he said i want 14 beers he drinks thim he says im so f**cking drunk i can hump a cow the guy in the corner says moo!!
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| Posted by DevilsAngel5490 on 12-Aug-2005 | A BarA man walked into a bar......Ouch!!!!!!!!
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| Posted by aSiAnIcEcUbE on 13-Aug-2005 | Yer mayour mas so stupid she sits oan the tele n watches the couch
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| Posted by Adrian on 13-Aug-2005 | Maorihow to get a maori in a bath?put five cents in how do you get a maori out of the bath put soap in.
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| Posted by stemo on 12-Aug-2005 | Your mooma is fat
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| Posted by lucas moore on 13-Aug-2005 | BarbitchuateA bear walks in to the bar and asks the bartender serve me a drink the bartender says no.the bear ask why? the bartender says we dont serve to bears! the bear gets outraged and starts tearin down the bar and eats a woman and leaves. The next day the bear comes back and tells the bartender to serve him a drink or the samething will happen that happen yesterday and the bartender says I told you we dont serve to bears or drug addicts! the bear says drug addict im not a drug addict!the bartender says what about the BAR BITCH YOU ATE! KEEP IN MIND A BARBITCUATE IS A DRUG
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| Posted by BaByGuRLovesBaByTiGeR on 08-Aug-2005 | Two guys walk into a barTwo guys walk into a bar. The third one, however, was smart enough to duck. ;)
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| Posted by Ano M. Miller on 13-Aug-2005 | Badmintonmy dog minton ate two shuttlecocks
Bad Minton Bad Minton!
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| Posted by chad t. colarelli on 13-Aug-2005 | Stupid but funny
A MAN WALKED INTO A BAR.
WHAT WAS THE 1ST WORD
HE SAID.............
OUCH
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| Posted by kaitlyn on 13-Aug-2005 | OldYour so old you pee rust and fart dust
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| Posted by Xandi on 08-Aug-2005 | gorrillaIt was closing time at the local sports-oriented pub and the only people left there were the bar keep, a drunk, and a gorilla standing in the corner. The barkeep looks at the drunk and said, "Wanna see something neat?"
He whistled to the gorilla, the gorilla came over and stood in front of the bar keep. The barkeep lightly tapped the gorrilla on the head with a small plastic bat he kept behind the bar, immediately the gorrilla dropped to his knees and gave the man a blow job.
When he was done, the barkeep looked at the drunk and said, "Wanna try it?"
The drunk said, "Sure, just don't hit me too hard with the bat!"
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