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| Posted by Robert L. Gianferante on 08-Aug-2005 | Duck shopperA duck walks in to a drug store and asks for a condom.
The sales person comes back with the condom and says "Put this on your bill sir" to which the duck replies "what do you think I'M a dickhead!"
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| Posted by Harrison Hill on 08-Aug-2005 | How to give your Cat a Pill.1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrive cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cats head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep
shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, dring glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retriev cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetnus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind
tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from
shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while
doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from
right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.
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| Posted by .-'^JAMAN^'-. on 08-Aug-2005 | Cat's PrayerNow I lay me down to sleep
I pray this cushy life to keep
I pray for toys that look like mice
and warm cushions soft and nice
For grocery bags where I can hide
Just like a tiger croucched inside
I pray for gourmet kitty snacks
and someone nice to scratch my back
For window sills all warm and bright
for shadows to explore by night
I pray I'll always stay real cool
and keep the secret feline rule
To never tell a human that
The world is really run by cats.
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| Posted by herman g. romanutti on 08-Aug-2005 | Cat HeavenOne day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. Greeting him the Lord says, "You've lived a good life. If there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know."
The cat thinks for a minute and says "Well, all my life I lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor..." The Lord stops the cat and says "Say no more!" Just then a wonderful fluffy pillow appears and the cat contentedly wanders off to find a good place to nap.
A few days later six mice killed in a tragic farming accident go to heaven. The Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer: "All of our lives we've been chased. We've had to run from cats, from tractors, even from that farmer's wife with her broom. We're tired of running..." "Say no more!" The Lord replies. In a flash, eachmouse is fitted with a beautiful new pair of roller skates, and they skate happily off to explore the Heavenly landscape.
About a week later The Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing away. He gently wakes the cat and asks, "How are things since you got here?"
The cat stretches, yawns, and replies "Oh, it is wonderful here. I get a lot of great sleep on this pillow, and those Meals On Wheels you've been sending are the BEST!!!"
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| Posted by Jay Knite on 08-Aug-2005 | The Special PigOne day a man drove by a farm and saw a three-legged pig. The man went up to the farmer and said, "Excuse me sir, but why does that pig only have 3 legs?"
"Well," said the farmer, "that there pig is very special. One time my wife was cooking something she stepped out of the kitchen and it caught on fire. No one in the house knew about it but the pig and he saved me, my wife, and my 2 kids."
"That's amazing sir but why does that pig onlly have three legs?" said the man.
"Then there was that time the pig saw a big storm coming and we didn't. The pig ran into the house and dragged us out to the storm cellar. If it weren't for that pig we would all be dead."
"But still, that doesn't explain why the pig only has 3 legs."
"And I remember the time my youngest son was stuck up in a tree but I was too far away to hear him scream. The pig came running towards me and led me to where he was."
"Well, that is miracle but how come that pig only has 3 legs?" the man said quite annoyed at this point.
"Well," said the farmer, "with a pig that special...
you have to eat 'em real slow."
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| Posted by hvymetalchik on 08-Aug-2005 | FROGWhat did one Lesbian frog say to the other Lesbian frog?
You know what...we DO taste like chicken!
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