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| Posted by Joanne Massoud on 09-Aug-2005 | Duck walks into barA duck goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "You got any fish?"
The bartender says, "No. This is a bar and we don't sell fish" so the duck leaves.
Next day, the duck goes back to the bar and asks, "You got any fish?"
The bartender says,"I told you yeaterday. This is a bar and we don't sell fish."
Ther following day, the duck returns and asks,"You got any fish?"
The bartender looses it, grabs the duck bu the neck, and screams,"I TOLD YOU TWICE. THIS IS A BAR. WE DON"T SELL FISH IF YOU ASK AGAIN, I'M GONNS NAIL YOUR *@#& WEBBED FEET TO THE FLOOR!"
The next day, the duck goes in the bar and asks, "Got any nails?"
The bartender sighs and says, "No, we don"t have any nails."
The duck says,"Good. Got any fish?"
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| Posted by Jimmy White on 14-Aug-2005 | Which Bus?A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the
aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.
She looks the man up and down and says, I've got news for you.
"You're going straight to hell!"
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Dammmmmn, I'm on
the wrong bus!"
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| Posted by Cassie Friend on 08-Aug-2005 | 20 dollars20 dollars
Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.
He says "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me".
His friend says "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill".
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.
"You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself, my God you're disgusting" etc.
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He'd obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn't hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket."
She looks in his breast pocket and says, "But this is forty dollars".
"Ah, yes." says the man. "He pee'd in my trousers too".
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| Posted by Pink Mist on 09-Aug-2005 | Snail visits barThe landlord of a pub, is just locking up, when there's a ring on the doorbell.
He opens the door, and there's a snail sitting there. "What do you want?" asks the landlord.
The snail replies that he wants a drink.
"Go away, we're closed, and we don't serve snails anyway".
The snail pleads and pleads with the barman to give it a drink, at which the landlord gets fed up, kicks the snail and slams the door.
..... Exactly one year later, he's locking up again, and there's a ring at the doorbell. The landlord opens the door, and looks down to see a snail sitting there. "What do you want" says the landlord.
"What did you do that for" says the snail.
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| Posted by Vince Joebob on 13-Aug-2005 | Ya maya ma is so fat god said let there be light so she rolle
d over
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| Posted by Hansen H. Lieu on 13-Aug-2005 | Yo mama so big that when she went bunji jumping...Yo mama so big that when she went bunji jumping with a yellow dress everybody thought the sun was falling.
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| Posted by Darren N. Doyle on 12-Aug-2005 | Confutious says:confutious says: Man who go to bed with itchy bottom, wake up with smelly finger
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| Posted by cutybug on 12-Aug-2005 | Man in raincoateA man and woman meet at a bar one rainy night. the woman says to the man, \"lets get out of here and go back to my place\". while they are at the womans house inside the bedroom they hear the front door open and slam. all of a sudden the women cries out \"my husband is home, my husband is home\". the man quickly grabs all his clothes and jumps out the window. as he looks out to the street he see\'s a group of joggers jogging down the street. the man jumps into the middle of the joggers and as he does so one of the joggers looks down at the man and ask him \"sir why are you wearing that\"? and the man replies \" I always wear a raincoat when it rains\".
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| Posted by Avi Marcus on 14-Aug-2005 | Pool PartyOnce there was a rich dude who owned a huge mansion, lots of
cars, was an alcoholic, and smoked crack. He even had a huge
pool which he filled with hundreds of alligators.
One day he was having a pool party and everyone got drunk and
high. After a while the rich guy stood up on a table and made a
speech. He said, "Anyone who swims across my pool will get my
house. No one jumped in. Then he said, "Anyone who swims across
my pool gets my house and my cars. No one jumped. "Anyone who
swims across my pool gets my house, my cars, alcohol, and my
cars." No one jumped in. "Anyone who swims across my pool gets
my house, my cars, my alcohol, and my crack. He heard a splash
and looked up.
He saw a guy jump into the pool. Alligators were on him in a
second, but this guy did tarzan moves, wrestled alligators, etc.
Finally, he climbed out on the other side. The rich dude walked
around and said, "That was amazing. I never thought anyone would
do that! When do you want my house?" The guy said "I don't want
your house." "When do you want my cars?" "I don't want your
cars." " When do you want my alcohol? "I don't want your
alcohol." When do you want my crack?" "I don't want you crack."
"Well, what do you want?" "I want the freaking bastard who
pushed me in!"
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| Posted by Andrew B. Mclean on 12-Aug-2005 | Your hairlineyou need to shut up with your 1 2 3 way back hairline.
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| Posted by Vince Carter on 12-Aug-2005 | Moo!!!A man walk in to a bar and says i want 14 beers the bartinder says you can only have 7 at a time the man says what ever give me 7 he drinks thim then he says give me 7 more he drinks thim to he says im so f**cking drunk i can hump a cow the bartender says go sit in the corner ! than a nother person comes in he said i want 14 beers he drinks thim he says im so f**cking drunk i can hump a cow the guy in the corner says moo!!
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| Posted by DevilsAngel5490 on 12-Aug-2005 | A BarA man walked into a bar......Ouch!!!!!!!!
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| Posted by aSiAnIcEcUbE on 13-Aug-2005 | Yer mayour mas so stupid she sits oan the tele n watches the couch
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| Posted by Adrian on 13-Aug-2005 | Maorihow to get a maori in a bath?put five cents in how do you get a maori out of the bath put soap in.
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| Posted by stemo on 12-Aug-2005 | Your mooma is fat
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| Posted by lucas moore on 13-Aug-2005 | BarbitchuateA bear walks in to the bar and asks the bartender serve me a drink the bartender says no.the bear ask why? the bartender says we dont serve to bears! the bear gets outraged and starts tearin down the bar and eats a woman and leaves. The next day the bear comes back and tells the bartender to serve him a drink or the samething will happen that happen yesterday and the bartender says I told you we dont serve to bears or drug addicts! the bear says drug addict im not a drug addict!the bartender says what about the BAR BITCH YOU ATE! KEEP IN MIND A BARBITCUATE IS A DRUG
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| Posted by BaByGuRLovesBaByTiGeR on 08-Aug-2005 | Two guys walk into a barTwo guys walk into a bar. The third one, however, was smart enough to duck. ;)
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| Posted by Ano M. Miller on 13-Aug-2005 | Badmintonmy dog minton ate two shuttlecocks
Bad Minton Bad Minton!
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| Posted by chad t. colarelli on 13-Aug-2005 | Stupid but funny
A MAN WALKED INTO A BAR.
WHAT WAS THE 1ST WORD
HE SAID.............
OUCH
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| Posted by kaitlyn on 13-Aug-2005 | OldYour so old you pee rust and fart dust
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| Posted by Xandi on 08-Aug-2005 | gorrillaIt was closing time at the local sports-oriented pub and the only people left there were the bar keep, a drunk, and a gorilla standing in the corner. The barkeep looks at the drunk and said, "Wanna see something neat?"
He whistled to the gorilla, the gorilla came over and stood in front of the bar keep. The barkeep lightly tapped the gorrilla on the head with a small plastic bat he kept behind the bar, immediately the gorrilla dropped to his knees and gave the man a blow job.
When he was done, the barkeep looked at the drunk and said, "Wanna try it?"
The drunk said, "Sure, just don't hit me too hard with the bat!"
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| Posted by Marie-Eve Gagne on 09-Aug-2005 | Gay barThis man walks into a Gay Bar not knowing it's a gay bar and sits down at a table some gay guy walks up to him and says "Wanna play football"
The man says okay and thay go behind the bar the gay guy says "alright a burp is a touch down and a fart is a field goal.
So the man says I'm goin' for the feild goal and the gay guy gets a small grin on his face, the man bends over and is about to fart and the gay guy butt f***s him the man goes what the hell why you do that.
The gay guy says I was trying to block your field goal.
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| Posted by Danny Landau on 09-Aug-2005 | 15 Signs You Drank T15 - You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping ??” with your Oldsmobile. 14 - Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles. 13 - Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday. 12 - Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli. 11 - For some reason, there's salt on the rim of your basketball goal. 10 - Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea's pancakes. 9 - For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the automobile. 8 - You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam. 7 - Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer. 6 - Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle. 5 - Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's Vomit Man!" 4 - The doorman asks for your I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants. 3 - Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions. 2 - Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat. 1 - You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.
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| Posted by Robert L. Blake on 09-Aug-2005 | A Horse Walks Into aA horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
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| Posted by jennifer on 10-Aug-2005 | Making a confessionA drunken man staggered into a Catholic church, sat down in the Confessional,
and said nothing.
The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting.
The priest coughs to attract the drunk man's attention, but still the man says
nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to
get the man to speak. Finally the drunk replies, ''No use knocking,' pal.
There's no paper."
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| Posted by Bill Scoby on 12-Aug-2005 | 2 men on top off a buildingTo men are at the top of a building having a drink,and one says to the other i bet you i can jump out this window and in 5 seconds jump back in.\"NEVER\" the man says. so the man jumps out and jumps back in, so the other man says i bet i can, so he jumps out falls and dies, the barmaid comes u to the other man and says u an be a silly boy when your drunk superman
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| Posted by Faisal Moussly on 12-Aug-2005 | I will tell you a jokewell i will tell you somthing dirty a boy fell in mud i will tell you somthing clean the boy had a barthwith bubbels and i will tell you somthing sick bubbels is the girl next door
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| Posted by Katie Waszczak on 12-Aug-2005 | Sexy
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| Posted by Craig R. Irvine on 12-Aug-2005 | Fridge mayonaiseQ:What did the mayonaise say to the person oneping the fridge door
A:close the door im dressing
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| Posted by Dinah on 13-Aug-2005 | Assholeswhy do people scream like a asshole when Bob comes in?
i dont know, that is why i am asking you
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