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Dumb & Dumber Part 912,321,654.....

Further evidence that if you try to make something 'Idiot Proof,' the universe will invent better idiots.... Herewith, some [more] evidence that the gene pool may need a little chlorine: ----------

Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar.

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I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt.

So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched. --------

Warning!

At a grocery store in San Jose, they have new credit card / bank card readers at the checkout stands. If you don't know how to orient your card to swipe it through the reader, the checkout person will say, 'Strip down, face toward me.' Editor's Note: Am I wrong, or is this just asking for trouble?

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A customer at a sub shop ordered 'a small soda.' The owner responded, 'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't have small, just medium and large.' (Both cost 99 cents.) The kicker came when the customer, a rather well-dressed business type, disappointedly said, 'Okay, I guess I'll just have to have the medium then.'

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Idiots and Geography:

After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, Really? Where is Monosyllabia?'

Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, 'Oh, you mean over by Croatia?' --------

Advice for Idiots: An actual tip from page 16 of the HP 'Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees.'

'Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.' --------

Idiots in the Neighborhood

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.

The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there. ------------

Idiots and Computers:

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question:

'I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?' --------

Idiots Are Easy To Please

I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed. ---------

Idiots In Food Services

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. --------

Idiots Do Math:

A co-worker was telling us about her sister who was coming to visit her for the holidays. Someone asked how old her sister was, at which she paused, thought for a bit, and then answered, 'She's half as old as I am, that's how I always remember.'

So someone else (okay, it was me) said, 'That's neat... So every year that you age, she only ages half a year?' My co-worker thought about that, and then said, 'Oh, yeah, I guess it only works on even years.'

13 people have rated this joke:

9.92/10


	():nerd jokes (650): Dear Abby

Posted by L Y on 13-Aug-2005

Dear Abby

Excerpts taken from real letters sent to 'Dear Abby'
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Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?-- Curious
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Dear Abby,
I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
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Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
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Dear Abby,
I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
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Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
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Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
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Dear Abby,
My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
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Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
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Dear Abby,
Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it.
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Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.
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Dear Abby,
Then you told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he is a doctor.
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Dear Abby,
My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd like? -- Carol

Dear Carol,
Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie.
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Dear Abby,
Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early? -- Wondering

Dear Wondering,
The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget it.
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Dear Abby,
I know boys will be boys, but my 'boy' is seventy-three and he's still chasing women. Any suggestions? -- Annie

Dear Annie,
Don't worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it.
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Dear Abby,
I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions? -- Sam

Dear Sam,
Yes. Run for public office.
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Dear Abby,
What inspires you most to write? -- Ted

Dear Ted,
The Bureau of Internal Revenue.
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Dear Abby,
I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits.-- Rose

Dear Rose,
So would I.
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Dear Abby,
What's the difference between a wife and a mistress? -- Bess

Dear Bess,
Night and day.

3 people have rated this joke:

9.67/10


	():nerd jokes (650): Klein bottle for rent - inquire within....

Posted by yazziegurl on 07-Aug-2005

Klein bottle for rent - inquire within....

Klein bottle for rent - inquire within.

1 people have rated this joke:

9.00/10


	():nerd jokes (650): There is no difference between theory and...

Posted by dawn whispers on 07-Aug-2005

There is no difference between theory and...

There is no difference between theory and practice in theory, but there is often a great deal of difference between theory and practice in practice.

4 people have rated this joke:

9.00/10


	():nerd jokes (650): Top 12 things likely to be overheard if you...

Posted by barbara coleman on 07-Aug-2005

Top 12 things likely to be overheard if you...

Top 12 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer

"Specifications are for the weak and timid!"
"This machine is a piece of gagh! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code!"
"You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the original Klingon."
"Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!"
"What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'. Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake."
"Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments' - and they always win them."
"Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak."
"I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth contest. They will not concern us again."
"A true Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!"
"By filing this bug report you have challenged the honor of my family... Prepare to die!"
"You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!"
"Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!"

5 people have rated this joke:

8.80/10


	():nerd jokes (650): Bad Day at the Office (True Story)

Posted by Andrew Bruno on 14-Aug-2005

Bad Day at the Office (True Story)

You thought you had a bad day at the office....

A true story...

A professional scuba diver's letter to his sister...

April, 1998

Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.

This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened to me.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast. Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My ass crack was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the comms. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he along with 5 other divers were laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing water stops totaling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface.

I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it up my ass when I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my asshole was swollen shut. I later found out that this could easily have been prevented if the suction hose was placed on the leeward side of the ship.

Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope that thought will make it a little more tolerable. Take care, and I hope to hear from you soon.

Love, Brian

4 people have rated this joke:

8.75/10